anal numming dildoes widing
I'm not sure what this person was looking for - he or she almost certainly didn't find it here - but that quaint misspelling of "numbing" reminded me of a terrible joke my dad used to tell.*
A beautiful woman is at a gynecologist for the first time, and is feeling some trepidation about her exam. She's lying on the table with her feet up in the stirrups, and she asks the doctor, "Will it hurt?"
The doctor solicitously responds, "Well, I can numb it for you, if you'd like."
"Yes, please!"
"Numnumnumnumunumnum!"
...
The joke really only works - if it can be said to work at all - if told in person, as the "numming" needs to be accompanied by pantomiming oral sex.
Yeah.
*Like any of the jokes my dad told weren't terrible. However, I inherited his appreciation for the art of the terrible joke.
Showing posts with label search strings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label search strings. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Friday, April 10, 2009
Keyword Kraziness: Posted Without Komment Edition
a poster of poisonous plats what horses and ponys can't eat
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Keyword Kraziness: Kris Klaremont Edition
Hey kids! Want some Keyword Kraziness?
Well too damn bad; you’re getting some anyway:
chris claremont slash
Who’s on the other side of the /? John Byrne? Side note: Ewwwww!
portia di rossi imdb
Not to be a smart ass or anything, but, umm, have you tried going to imdb.com?
foad bodybuilder
Fuck Off And Die bodybuilder? I don’t get it.
whoville slash fic
Just “who” would you be slashing?
lyrics to aqua teen hunger force end dong
Which dong? Frylock’s? Meatwad’s? Carl’s? Or did you mean song? In that case, it’s “Dancing is forbidden,” if you’re talking about the TV show. Don’t remember the end song for the movie.
dido for anus pics
Did you mean dildo? Anyway, no matter what you meant, I don’t think you’re going to find it here.
direcpath reviews
See the next Keyword.
direcpath sucks
That’s all you need to know.
More of the standard search strings round out the rest of the traffic generators. You regulars know what they are, so I won’t bother repeating them here.
Well too damn bad; you’re getting some anyway:
chris claremont slash
Who’s on the other side of the /? John Byrne? Side note: Ewwwww!
portia di rossi imdb
Not to be a smart ass or anything, but, umm, have you tried going to imdb.com?
foad bodybuilder
Fuck Off And Die bodybuilder? I don’t get it.
whoville slash fic
Just “who” would you be slashing?
lyrics to aqua teen hunger force end dong
Which dong? Frylock’s? Meatwad’s? Carl’s? Or did you mean song? In that case, it’s “Dancing is forbidden,” if you’re talking about the TV show. Don’t remember the end song for the movie.
dido for anus pics
Did you mean dildo? Anyway, no matter what you meant, I don’t think you’re going to find it here.
direcpath reviews
See the next Keyword.
direcpath sucks
That’s all you need to know.
More of the standard search strings round out the rest of the traffic generators. You regulars know what they are, so I won’t bother repeating them here.
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Keyword Kraziness: Karpentry Edition
My active and dynamic social life has prevented me from finding the time to post an entry over the last few days (Read: I’ve been watching a lot of TV and napping), and while I will post a proper entry at some point today, in the meantime I thought I should toss you all a few crumbs in the form of nobody’s favorite continuing feature, Keyword Kraziness.
pointlessness
You’ve certainly come to the right place.
direcpath suck?
Yes. Direcpath sucks hard.
brandie malay hot
That is what is known as a “fact.”
brandie malay feet
brandie malay tits
brandie malay boobs
brandie malay nipple
brandie malay nude
brandie malay pictures
brandie malay myspace
I am very clearly not your source for all things Brandie Malay. I did post all of the pictures of her that I was able to find a while back, which wasn’t much, and, unsurprisingly, she wasn’t nude in any of them. (Click on the Brandie Malay label at the bottom of this post to see that post.)
As for the various parts of her that people are seeking information on, I can say that yes, she does have feet, and she appears to have tits, which, one would assume, are home to at least one nipple, though, again, having never seen her nude, I can’t say that with anything beyond a reasonable degree of certainty. There was a recent episode of Hidden Potential in which she seemed to be exhibiting a certain amount of “pokiness,” but the protruding bits seemed to be in odd locations, so either they were the result of pointy or lumpy bits of whatever she was wearing under her shirt, or those particular bits of her anatomy are oddly-distributed either naturally or as the result of the constriction of whatever she was wearing underneath her shirt.
can't find tanya memme nude pictures
I’m not surprised.
my own experience about self reliance
Why would you be searching Google for your own experience? And if you were looking for someone else’s experience, there’s a kind of irony to that which amuses me terribly.
jane wogan & hgtv
Jane Wogan is a very beautiful woman who sometimes, but, to the show’s eternal shame, not always, appears on HGTV’s series Don’t Sweat It.
I’ve thought about applying to be featured on the show in order to get some projects, such as the de-pinkifying of my master bath, completed around the house, and also to get a chance to see Jane in person. I don’t have such an artificially-inflated sense of self-confidence that I think I’d have any shot at charming the tool belt off of her, but I still think it’d be cool to get to see her in person and to hear that charming Irish brogue she has. Of course, with my luck, if I got on the show, it would be one of the episodes featuring the all-male cast.
On a semi-related note, my Realtor, David Harbour, recently appeared on an episode of HGTV’s series Get It Sold, and will be doing so again on March 5 at 8:30 PM Eastern.
I’ve been thinking I should shoot him an e-mail and see if he can get me the hook up with some of the Hotties of HGTV, but, again, I’m lacking the artificially-inflated sense of self-confidence that would make something like that seem worthwhile.
There are a few pictures of Jane floating around on the Internet, but in the interest of promoting your own experience of self reliance, I’ll leave it up to you to find them for yourselves.
Bonus Link:
As always, among the search strings listed here were the typical bra-related searches. In checking out some of the other search results that came up on those strings, I found a link to this article about the 100th anniversary of the bra.
True, it’s not going to do anything to help you find out how big [insert celebrity name here]’s knockers are, but I don’t see what good finding that out would do you either, so…
In any case, that will do it for this installment of Keyword Kraziness. Check back later for a harrowing account of the intense story of what’s happened in my life since last I posted.
pointlessness
You’ve certainly come to the right place.
direcpath suck?
Yes. Direcpath sucks hard.
brandie malay hot
That is what is known as a “fact.”
brandie malay feet
brandie malay tits
brandie malay boobs
brandie malay nipple
brandie malay nude
brandie malay pictures
brandie malay myspace
I am very clearly not your source for all things Brandie Malay. I did post all of the pictures of her that I was able to find a while back, which wasn’t much, and, unsurprisingly, she wasn’t nude in any of them. (Click on the Brandie Malay label at the bottom of this post to see that post.)
As for the various parts of her that people are seeking information on, I can say that yes, she does have feet, and she appears to have tits, which, one would assume, are home to at least one nipple, though, again, having never seen her nude, I can’t say that with anything beyond a reasonable degree of certainty. There was a recent episode of Hidden Potential in which she seemed to be exhibiting a certain amount of “pokiness,” but the protruding bits seemed to be in odd locations, so either they were the result of pointy or lumpy bits of whatever she was wearing under her shirt, or those particular bits of her anatomy are oddly-distributed either naturally or as the result of the constriction of whatever she was wearing underneath her shirt.
can't find tanya memme nude pictures
I’m not surprised.
my own experience about self reliance
Why would you be searching Google for your own experience? And if you were looking for someone else’s experience, there’s a kind of irony to that which amuses me terribly.
jane wogan & hgtv
Jane Wogan is a very beautiful woman who sometimes, but, to the show’s eternal shame, not always, appears on HGTV’s series Don’t Sweat It.
I’ve thought about applying to be featured on the show in order to get some projects, such as the de-pinkifying of my master bath, completed around the house, and also to get a chance to see Jane in person. I don’t have such an artificially-inflated sense of self-confidence that I think I’d have any shot at charming the tool belt off of her, but I still think it’d be cool to get to see her in person and to hear that charming Irish brogue she has. Of course, with my luck, if I got on the show, it would be one of the episodes featuring the all-male cast.
On a semi-related note, my Realtor, David Harbour, recently appeared on an episode of HGTV’s series Get It Sold, and will be doing so again on March 5 at 8:30 PM Eastern.
I’ve been thinking I should shoot him an e-mail and see if he can get me the hook up with some of the Hotties of HGTV, but, again, I’m lacking the artificially-inflated sense of self-confidence that would make something like that seem worthwhile.
There are a few pictures of Jane floating around on the Internet, but in the interest of promoting your own experience of self reliance, I’ll leave it up to you to find them for yourselves.
Bonus Link:
As always, among the search strings listed here were the typical bra-related searches. In checking out some of the other search results that came up on those strings, I found a link to this article about the 100th anniversary of the bra.
True, it’s not going to do anything to help you find out how big [insert celebrity name here]’s knockers are, but I don’t see what good finding that out would do you either, so…
In any case, that will do it for this installment of Keyword Kraziness. Check back later for a harrowing account of the intense story of what’s happened in my life since last I posted.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Keyword Kraziness: Kill Fish Edition
It’s time once again to take a look at some of the traffic drivers for this blog and find out just what search strings are bringing visitors here for a 0-5 second stay, or as I like to call it, Keyword Kraziness.
how tall if kirsten kemp of hgtv
I’m assuming you meant “is,” not “if.” Even allowing for that, you still got things wrong: she’s on TLC, not HGTV. As for her height, I recently watched an episode of Property Ladder in which someone stated that he was six feet tall, and when standing next to him Kirsten appeared to be as tall, and possibly taller.
superhorse fucks superwoman
Okay, let me say up front that yes, if we read between the Comics Code Authority-approved lines, back in the Silver Age, Comet the Super Horse, did want to fuck Supergirl. That is to say that he had romantic feelings towards her, and, though it never happened on-panel in comics when those stories were told, the standard culmination of romantic attraction usually involves some form of sex.
The whole thing a little (but only a little) less creepy than it seems on the surface in that Comet was not technically a horse, but rather a Centaur who had been inadvertently transformed into a horse by the witch Circe. He’d gone to Circe in the hopes of being turned into a human, as he’d fallen in love with a human woman. Circe screwed things up and pushed him in the opposite direction, turning him into a horse. I don’t remember why she couldn’t reverse the change, but to make up for it, she granted him immortality and super powers (In Silver Age Superman/Supergirl stories, gaining super powers meant, by default, gaining super powers similar to those of Superman. The exception to this was when the point of the story was to have someone be able to do something that even Superman couldn’t.). Thus, he lived on from the Hellenistic period of ancient Greece and was around in the mid-20th Century and living in the town of Midvale, home of Supergirl.
But yeah, so far as I know, Supergirl never got into any overtly freaky Kryptonian/Equine action, though he did, of course, get to spend a lot of time between her legs.
As for Superwoman – a villainous member of the Crime Syndicate of Earth 3 – I have no doubt that kinky bitch got it on with a horse at some point.
In any case, you might try checking out alt.binaries.erotica.cartoons to see if there is any fan/pervert out there who’s whipped up an image of the sort you’re looking for.
kari ann peniche brink of peeing
Years ago I did this (Just Barely Safe for Work) picture of Ms. Peniche (or at least part of her) from her appearance in Playboy. It’s possible that she’s on the brink of peeing, but I can’t really say for sure, and am not particularly interested in knowing. I’m not into the whole chicks peeing thing, and seriously don’t understand the appeal.
little shavers dicks
Am I correct in assuming that you are looking for the penises of young boys? None to be found here. I’d say “keep looking,” but I’d prefer that you just stop. No, not looking: breathing.
quesada creators
I’m assuming that would be Mr. and Mrs. Quesada.
hot chicks shooting heroin
They probably won’t be hot for long if they keep shooting heroin.
nudity vouyers
There’s a guy working in the porn business as actor, director, and producer, who goes by the name Vince Vouyer. I assume that, like him, you don’t know how to spell voyeur.
cute chick safeway
Which Safeway?
fish automatic doors
I see variations on this one fairly often, usually with the word “kill” also present. Is there some sort of urban myth floating around that automatic doors somehow kill fish?
my first day in porn
How did it go? Did you happen to work with Vince Vouyer?
watch bikini cavegirl free
Even that’s too expensive.
Well, that does it for this edition of Keyword Kraziness. Keep that Kraziness koming!
(Oh, and speaking of traffic drivers, given that they so frequently post links to me, I’ve added a link to When Fangirls Attack! over on the right.)
how tall if kirsten kemp of hgtv
I’m assuming you meant “is,” not “if.” Even allowing for that, you still got things wrong: she’s on TLC, not HGTV. As for her height, I recently watched an episode of Property Ladder in which someone stated that he was six feet tall, and when standing next to him Kirsten appeared to be as tall, and possibly taller.
superhorse fucks superwoman
Okay, let me say up front that yes, if we read between the Comics Code Authority-approved lines, back in the Silver Age, Comet the Super Horse, did want to fuck Supergirl. That is to say that he had romantic feelings towards her, and, though it never happened on-panel in comics when those stories were told, the standard culmination of romantic attraction usually involves some form of sex.
The whole thing a little (but only a little) less creepy than it seems on the surface in that Comet was not technically a horse, but rather a Centaur who had been inadvertently transformed into a horse by the witch Circe. He’d gone to Circe in the hopes of being turned into a human, as he’d fallen in love with a human woman. Circe screwed things up and pushed him in the opposite direction, turning him into a horse. I don’t remember why she couldn’t reverse the change, but to make up for it, she granted him immortality and super powers (In Silver Age Superman/Supergirl stories, gaining super powers meant, by default, gaining super powers similar to those of Superman. The exception to this was when the point of the story was to have someone be able to do something that even Superman couldn’t.). Thus, he lived on from the Hellenistic period of ancient Greece and was around in the mid-20th Century and living in the town of Midvale, home of Supergirl.
But yeah, so far as I know, Supergirl never got into any overtly freaky Kryptonian/Equine action, though he did, of course, get to spend a lot of time between her legs.
As for Superwoman – a villainous member of the Crime Syndicate of Earth 3 – I have no doubt that kinky bitch got it on with a horse at some point.
In any case, you might try checking out alt.binaries.erotica.cartoons to see if there is any fan/pervert out there who’s whipped up an image of the sort you’re looking for.
kari ann peniche brink of peeing
Years ago I did this (Just Barely Safe for Work) picture of Ms. Peniche (or at least part of her) from her appearance in Playboy. It’s possible that she’s on the brink of peeing, but I can’t really say for sure, and am not particularly interested in knowing. I’m not into the whole chicks peeing thing, and seriously don’t understand the appeal.
little shavers dicks
Am I correct in assuming that you are looking for the penises of young boys? None to be found here. I’d say “keep looking,” but I’d prefer that you just stop. No, not looking: breathing.
quesada creators
I’m assuming that would be Mr. and Mrs. Quesada.
hot chicks shooting heroin
They probably won’t be hot for long if they keep shooting heroin.
nudity vouyers
There’s a guy working in the porn business as actor, director, and producer, who goes by the name Vince Vouyer. I assume that, like him, you don’t know how to spell voyeur.
cute chick safeway
Which Safeway?
fish automatic doors
I see variations on this one fairly often, usually with the word “kill” also present. Is there some sort of urban myth floating around that automatic doors somehow kill fish?
my first day in porn
How did it go? Did you happen to work with Vince Vouyer?
watch bikini cavegirl free
Even that’s too expensive.
Well, that does it for this edition of Keyword Kraziness. Keep that Kraziness koming!
(Oh, and speaking of traffic drivers, given that they so frequently post links to me, I’ve added a link to When Fangirls Attack! over on the right.)
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Keyword Kraziness: Kup Size Edition
I know it’s a little soon to be looking at these again, but there were a couple of search strings that I wanted to mention before my log resets itself and I lose them.
archie a racist superdickery
I’m not sure they actually cover much in the way of Archie-related stuff, but you might want to just go to Superdickery directly and take a look around.
lucy liu futurama says his name with a non robotic forum
Uh huh.
harley sings: i never knew that you and i were finished
I’ve mentioned this scene from Batman: The Animated Series in the past, and included the lyrics to the song (Say That We’re Sweethearts Again), but here’s a clip of the actual scene:
giada (bra size or cup size)
Yes, an oldie, but a goodie. I mention it only because in following the link to the search results displayed with my site stats I discovered that there is a Wiki site devoted entirely to big boobs. The site – Boobpedia (NSFW) – is a user-editable encyclopedia just like Wikipedia, except that it has a more specific purpose. Sadly, Giada is categorized under the heading “Cup Size Needed,” and her entry is simply a rehash of her Wikipedia entry, so no help there.
kirsten kemp babe
She certainly is.
threshold conpany pary
Uhh…? I’m guessing you meant Threshold Company Party. This Threshold is a blog, not a company (or conpany, for that matter), and isn’t so big on the parties, so no help for you here.
what is gia
I’m not sure what you’re asking. There’s a movie called Gia that features a young and very nude Angelina Jolie playing the role of model Gia Carangi, which rather famously includes a lesbian scene. Other than that, there are various porn stars who call themselves (or are actually named) Gia. Is it an acronym you’re looking for? If so, there is the Gemological Institute of America.
And that’s it for this edition of Keyword Kraziness.
archie a racist superdickery
I’m not sure they actually cover much in the way of Archie-related stuff, but you might want to just go to Superdickery directly and take a look around.
lucy liu futurama says his name with a non robotic forum
Uh huh.
harley sings: i never knew that you and i were finished
I’ve mentioned this scene from Batman: The Animated Series in the past, and included the lyrics to the song (Say That We’re Sweethearts Again), but here’s a clip of the actual scene:
giada (bra size or cup size)
Yes, an oldie, but a goodie. I mention it only because in following the link to the search results displayed with my site stats I discovered that there is a Wiki site devoted entirely to big boobs. The site – Boobpedia (NSFW) – is a user-editable encyclopedia just like Wikipedia, except that it has a more specific purpose. Sadly, Giada is categorized under the heading “Cup Size Needed,” and her entry is simply a rehash of her Wikipedia entry, so no help there.
kirsten kemp babe
She certainly is.
threshold conpany pary
Uhh…? I’m guessing you meant Threshold Company Party. This Threshold is a blog, not a company (or conpany, for that matter), and isn’t so big on the parties, so no help for you here.
what is gia
I’m not sure what you’re asking. There’s a movie called Gia that features a young and very nude Angelina Jolie playing the role of model Gia Carangi, which rather famously includes a lesbian scene. Other than that, there are various porn stars who call themselves (or are actually named) Gia. Is it an acronym you’re looking for? If so, there is the Gemological Institute of America.
And that’s it for this edition of Keyword Kraziness.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Keyword Kraziness: Boxing Day Edition
It’s time once again to review some of the search strings that have brought people here only to discover that it’s not the place to find what they’re looking for.
my apartment complex let me renew my lease even though i did not qualify
Is that a question?
jessica alba’s ass is distracting
We’ll see just how true that remains as her pregnancy progresses (or if it remains distracting in a good way).
brandie malay pics
brandie malay breasts
brandie malay bra
Here are all of the pictures of her that I was able to find via Google and Ask.com image searches and on the HGTV Web site:
There were no pictures (not even fake nudes) of her anywhere on Usenet. I didn’t try any of the torrent searches, but I would bet that you wouldn’t find anything if you were to try that yourself (try searching here if you don’t believe me)
I don’t suspect that there will ever be many more of them, and, as she is the host of a relatively obscure TV show on HGTV of all places and not a young pop star/spoiled heiress/coked-up actress, it seems unlikely that there are any photos of her standing around in her underwear (or less) available for public consumption. After all, when you consider how obsessively the paparazzi stalk people like Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton, it’s frankly amazing that we don’t see even more shots of their genitals and naked breasts than we already do. Given that someone like Brandie Malay is never going to get that level of stalkery attention, I doubt that anyone apart from her husband will get to see her wearing anything less than she wears on her show. To put it another way, I don’t think we’ll ever see the “ hidden potential” of her breasts. I will say that I agree that this is a damn shame.
my little pony jerk
What?
i have conversations with the tv
Are they with my TV? Because if they are, that two-timing bitch is going to get a serious talking to.
maddox crappy pictures
I assume you’re talking about these.
And that’s all for this edition, there were also, of course, the usual suspects, but there’s not point in including those.
In terms of your regularly scheduled Threshold entry, today was pretty low-key.
I got up when some old lady dialed a wrong number. My number is very close to the number of a local pharmacy, so I occasionally find myself answering the phone and letting people know that, no, in fact, I can’t fill their prescriptions for Viagra or Valtrex.
After that I did the usual sitting around doing nothing before taking a shower and heading out to pick up some groceries, at which time I was thrilled to discover that the grocery store was a virtual ghost town. It was such a rare treat to be able to move about so freely.
The drawback, of course, was that only one actual register was open and was jam-packed with the handful of competing shoppers, so I had to go through the self-checkout. This is what I would normally do, but I had a fair amount of stuff, and I usually prefer a real live cashier when I’m buying more than a few things.
Why? Well, on the self-checkout the bagging area only has room for about three full bags, and it’s sort of hit-or-miss as to whether or not the register will freak out when you put one bag in your cart to make room for another. Sometimes it will only freak out and demand that you return the bag for a few seconds before giving you the option of telling it that you have, in fact, removed the bag. Other times it will just stay freaked out until an employee comes along and tells it that it’s okay and that you aren’t trying to abscond with the items you’ve already scanned and will be paying for shortly, and that you’ve moved them out of the way.
It did a lot of the latter today.
When I got home I sat on the couch to take my shoes off and then struggled to come up with a reason to not go to bed. I couldn’t come up with one, but decided to defer making a decision about that until after I’d had lunch. By the time I’d finished lunch I’d gotten caught up in some show on National Geographic Channel HD, so I watched that, and then another show, but then, at around 2, decided that being awake just wasn’t for me, so I ended up taking a nap until a bit after 4.
Oh, and sometime before 2 I hung the framed Marvel super heroes stamps that Kathleen gave me in my office. See?
And that’s pretty much all there was to my day.
my apartment complex let me renew my lease even though i did not qualify
Is that a question?
jessica alba’s ass is distracting
We’ll see just how true that remains as her pregnancy progresses (or if it remains distracting in a good way).
brandie malay pics
brandie malay breasts
brandie malay bra
Here are all of the pictures of her that I was able to find via Google and Ask.com image searches and on the HGTV Web site:
There were no pictures (not even fake nudes) of her anywhere on Usenet. I didn’t try any of the torrent searches, but I would bet that you wouldn’t find anything if you were to try that yourself (try searching here if you don’t believe me)
I don’t suspect that there will ever be many more of them, and, as she is the host of a relatively obscure TV show on HGTV of all places and not a young pop star/spoiled heiress/coked-up actress, it seems unlikely that there are any photos of her standing around in her underwear (or less) available for public consumption. After all, when you consider how obsessively the paparazzi stalk people like Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton, it’s frankly amazing that we don’t see even more shots of their genitals and naked breasts than we already do. Given that someone like Brandie Malay is never going to get that level of stalkery attention, I doubt that anyone apart from her husband will get to see her wearing anything less than she wears on her show. To put it another way, I don’t think we’ll ever see the “ hidden potential” of her breasts. I will say that I agree that this is a damn shame.
my little pony jerk
What?
i have conversations with the tv
Are they with my TV? Because if they are, that two-timing bitch is going to get a serious talking to.
maddox crappy pictures
I assume you’re talking about these.
And that’s all for this edition, there were also, of course, the usual suspects, but there’s not point in including those.
In terms of your regularly scheduled Threshold entry, today was pretty low-key.
I got up when some old lady dialed a wrong number. My number is very close to the number of a local pharmacy, so I occasionally find myself answering the phone and letting people know that, no, in fact, I can’t fill their prescriptions for Viagra or Valtrex.
After that I did the usual sitting around doing nothing before taking a shower and heading out to pick up some groceries, at which time I was thrilled to discover that the grocery store was a virtual ghost town. It was such a rare treat to be able to move about so freely.
The drawback, of course, was that only one actual register was open and was jam-packed with the handful of competing shoppers, so I had to go through the self-checkout. This is what I would normally do, but I had a fair amount of stuff, and I usually prefer a real live cashier when I’m buying more than a few things.
Why? Well, on the self-checkout the bagging area only has room for about three full bags, and it’s sort of hit-or-miss as to whether or not the register will freak out when you put one bag in your cart to make room for another. Sometimes it will only freak out and demand that you return the bag for a few seconds before giving you the option of telling it that you have, in fact, removed the bag. Other times it will just stay freaked out until an employee comes along and tells it that it’s okay and that you aren’t trying to abscond with the items you’ve already scanned and will be paying for shortly, and that you’ve moved them out of the way.
It did a lot of the latter today.
When I got home I sat on the couch to take my shoes off and then struggled to come up with a reason to not go to bed. I couldn’t come up with one, but decided to defer making a decision about that until after I’d had lunch. By the time I’d finished lunch I’d gotten caught up in some show on National Geographic Channel HD, so I watched that, and then another show, but then, at around 2, decided that being awake just wasn’t for me, so I ended up taking a nap until a bit after 4.
Oh, and sometime before 2 I hung the framed Marvel super heroes stamps that Kathleen gave me in my office. See?
And that’s pretty much all there was to my day.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Keyword Kraziness: Kontacting The Kreator Edition
It’s time once again to look at some of the search strings that have brought hapless netizens to this blog for a 0-5 second stay.
who's the chick in the verizon commercial with the pony
According to the comments on the YouTube post of the ad, her name is Bonnie Dennison. Her IMDb entry seems to support that claim.
(The commercial still cracks me up every time. Her delivery of the “Yeah” at the end is perfect.)
boobs bluteooth(sic)
I don’t think that I approve of the concept of “hands free” boobs (I’m guessing the seeker intended it to be “bluetooth.”).
nipple clamps as a deterrent to procrastination
I’d rather just procrastinate, thanks.
direcpath awful company
It certainly is. Feel free to share your tale of Direcpath-induced woe here, as many others have done.
ginger alexander cleavage
ginger alexander boobs
ginger alexander nipple
ginger alexander real estate pros boobs
and
ginger and richard davis dating tlc
I have no idea what the relationship is between Ginger Alexander and Richard Davis. As for the rest, this isn’t a celebrity picture site, so if you’re looking for boobs/cleavage/nipple pictures, this isn’t the place to find them. I suspect that no place is the place to find them, though. She’s not an actress/model/spoiled heiress, so that brings the odds of there being many pictures of her breasts – covered or uncovered – available online down considerably, to somewhere in the neighborhood of zero. She’s simply not famous enough to be stalked by the paparazzi, who might capture a nipple slip shot of her, or to get the attention of the community of video cappers who grab images from TV shows and movies and post them online. I would submit that there are plenty of pictures of breasts - many of them much nicer and considerably less covered than Ginger’s - readily available online. I personally recommend checking out Lucy Pinder's (link NSFW).
two worlds for psa2 gameplay info
I’m not a gamer, so I have no idea what you’re talking about.
how to stop eating your hair
I imagine there are all kinds of methods, the most drastic of which, I should think, would be to shave your head. If it’s a compulsive disorder, your best bet is to seek psychological counseling.
tanya memme nude
I’m sure she’s nude on a regular basis, but so far it appears that there are no cameras involved.
watch bikini cavegirl online
I wouldn’t recommend it.
noc noc jokes
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
NOC
NOC who?
NOC gonna find any knock knock (or noc noc) jokes here.
portia di rossi stockings
Did you mean stalkings? Either way, I can’t help you.
The usual suspects round out the rest of the search strings. Items such as:
giada bra size
carla gugino bra size
don rickles bra size
..and so forth (not so much with the Don Rickles, though)
A while back there was a post on Slacktivist examining a video of Mike Huckabee giving the invocation at the 2004 Republican National Convention. The invocation took the form of Huckabee answering a phone call from God, treating the attendees to Huckabee’s half of the conversation. The Slacktivist post pointed out the inherent silliness of this shtick, as well as one very important and significant fact: they had God on the line and it never occurred to any of them to ask Him any questions.
The entry ended with an invitation for the readers to post the questions that they would ask of God, given the opportunity, in the comments section.
It occurred to me that I could ask God to provide me with His master list of celebrity bra sizes so that I could distribute it to the seekers of knowledge of the celebrity brassiere.
Sadly, I don’t have God on the line, and it doesn’t seem likely that I ever will, so, alas, I am unable to provide you with the knowledge you seek.
who's the chick in the verizon commercial with the pony
According to the comments on the YouTube post of the ad, her name is Bonnie Dennison. Her IMDb entry seems to support that claim.
(The commercial still cracks me up every time. Her delivery of the “Yeah” at the end is perfect.)
boobs bluteooth(sic)
I don’t think that I approve of the concept of “hands free” boobs (I’m guessing the seeker intended it to be “bluetooth.”).
nipple clamps as a deterrent to procrastination
I’d rather just procrastinate, thanks.
direcpath awful company
It certainly is. Feel free to share your tale of Direcpath-induced woe here, as many others have done.
ginger alexander cleavage
ginger alexander boobs
ginger alexander nipple
ginger alexander real estate pros boobs
and
ginger and richard davis dating tlc
I have no idea what the relationship is between Ginger Alexander and Richard Davis. As for the rest, this isn’t a celebrity picture site, so if you’re looking for boobs/cleavage/nipple pictures, this isn’t the place to find them. I suspect that no place is the place to find them, though. She’s not an actress/model/spoiled heiress, so that brings the odds of there being many pictures of her breasts – covered or uncovered – available online down considerably, to somewhere in the neighborhood of zero. She’s simply not famous enough to be stalked by the paparazzi, who might capture a nipple slip shot of her, or to get the attention of the community of video cappers who grab images from TV shows and movies and post them online. I would submit that there are plenty of pictures of breasts - many of them much nicer and considerably less covered than Ginger’s - readily available online. I personally recommend checking out Lucy Pinder's (link NSFW).
two worlds for psa2 gameplay info
I’m not a gamer, so I have no idea what you’re talking about.
how to stop eating your hair
I imagine there are all kinds of methods, the most drastic of which, I should think, would be to shave your head. If it’s a compulsive disorder, your best bet is to seek psychological counseling.
tanya memme nude
I’m sure she’s nude on a regular basis, but so far it appears that there are no cameras involved.
watch bikini cavegirl online
I wouldn’t recommend it.
noc noc jokes
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
NOC
NOC who?
NOC gonna find any knock knock (or noc noc) jokes here.
portia di rossi stockings
Did you mean stalkings? Either way, I can’t help you.
The usual suspects round out the rest of the search strings. Items such as:
giada bra size
carla gugino bra size
don rickles bra size
..and so forth (not so much with the Don Rickles, though)
A while back there was a post on Slacktivist examining a video of Mike Huckabee giving the invocation at the 2004 Republican National Convention. The invocation took the form of Huckabee answering a phone call from God, treating the attendees to Huckabee’s half of the conversation. The Slacktivist post pointed out the inherent silliness of this shtick, as well as one very important and significant fact: they had God on the line and it never occurred to any of them to ask Him any questions.
The entry ended with an invitation for the readers to post the questions that they would ask of God, given the opportunity, in the comments section.
It occurred to me that I could ask God to provide me with His master list of celebrity bra sizes so that I could distribute it to the seekers of knowledge of the celebrity brassiere.
Sadly, I don’t have God on the line, and it doesn’t seem likely that I ever will, so, alas, I am unable to provide you with the knowledge you seek.
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Keyword Kraziness: Hello Kitty Edition
A recent seeker ended up here on the following search-string:
hello kitty she-devil pics
Whenver I see the phrase "She-Devil," my mind always goes first to Red Sonja (She-Devil With a Sword), so towards that end, I give you this:
Of course, maybe you were looking for something more like this:
And finally, to cover all bases, here is my Hello Kitty version of Shanna the She-Devil:
I have to say that a Hello Kitty version of Shanna is a bad idea, as her presence would inevitably lead to a competitive rift between Shanna's husband Ka-Zar and Zabu, his faithful saber-toothed tiger companion.
hello kitty she-devil pics
Whenver I see the phrase "She-Devil," my mind always goes first to Red Sonja (She-Devil With a Sword), so towards that end, I give you this:
Of course, maybe you were looking for something more like this:
And finally, to cover all bases, here is my Hello Kitty version of Shanna the She-Devil:
I have to say that a Hello Kitty version of Shanna is a bad idea, as her presence would inevitably lead to a competitive rift between Shanna's husband Ka-Zar and Zabu, his faithful saber-toothed tiger companion.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Keyword Kraziness: Mind Kontrol Edition
It’s time once again to examine some of those Wacky World Wide Web searches that lead unsuspecting Web surfers to dash themselves against the pointy and pointless rocks of Threshold Beach.
Let’s see what we’ve got.
Watchmen Babies
This is rapidly becoming the new Bikini Cavegirl. Just to be clear for anyone who doesn’t know, it was just a quick (and hilarious) throw-away gag on the episode of The Simpsons featuring Alan Moore. Milhouse asked Alan, “Mr. Moore, will you sign my DVD of Watchmen Babies?” At which point we see a DVD featuring the primary characters from Watchmen, as babies, waterskiing in an adventure titled V For Vacation. This, of course, sets Alan off on a rant about having the marrow sucked from his bones by evil corporations. There is no such product, and given that the video was taken down from YouTube, there’s not much I can do to help you even find the image.
Variations on “demotivational poster jailbait”
This is just barely behind Watchmen Babies for the number of hits it’s generated. I would assume you’re looking for this (fairly NSFW). Perverts. (It is a funny poster, though. There’s also this one. And this one. And several others. Note: The links might not actually take you directly to the pictures that I had intended them to, but the jailbait ones are easy to find at the site.)
flight attendant mind control chip
If I’d ever been on a flight that had a flight attendant who looked anywhere near as hot as flight attendants do in movies, I might well be tempted to invest in such a product, should it exist. Nothing related to such a thing can be found here, though. But my question is, is the mind control chip really profession-specific? Could you, for example, get it to work on someone who works for a technical recruiting company?
automatic doorsanimation
Uh, okay.
kirsten kemp cleavage
Personally, I’m a fan of it, but sadly, I have no images of it available.
ginger alexander beautiful
I wouldn’t go so far as to say beautiful.
xenosexuality
Found yourself a hot alien and are now busy trying to figure out how to get it on, huh?
direcpath speeds
Interestingly enough, the spell checker in Word suggests “Dire Path” as a replacement for DirecPath. As for their speeds, well, “slow as hell” is a speed.
And that’s it for another round of Keyword Kraziness. Keep those zany searches coming.
Let’s see what we’ve got.
Watchmen Babies
This is rapidly becoming the new Bikini Cavegirl. Just to be clear for anyone who doesn’t know, it was just a quick (and hilarious) throw-away gag on the episode of The Simpsons featuring Alan Moore. Milhouse asked Alan, “Mr. Moore, will you sign my DVD of Watchmen Babies?” At which point we see a DVD featuring the primary characters from Watchmen, as babies, waterskiing in an adventure titled V For Vacation. This, of course, sets Alan off on a rant about having the marrow sucked from his bones by evil corporations. There is no such product, and given that the video was taken down from YouTube, there’s not much I can do to help you even find the image.
Variations on “demotivational poster jailbait”
This is just barely behind Watchmen Babies for the number of hits it’s generated. I would assume you’re looking for this (fairly NSFW). Perverts. (It is a funny poster, though. There’s also this one. And this one. And several others. Note: The links might not actually take you directly to the pictures that I had intended them to, but the jailbait ones are easy to find at the site.)
flight attendant mind control chip
If I’d ever been on a flight that had a flight attendant who looked anywhere near as hot as flight attendants do in movies, I might well be tempted to invest in such a product, should it exist. Nothing related to such a thing can be found here, though. But my question is, is the mind control chip really profession-specific? Could you, for example, get it to work on someone who works for a technical recruiting company?
automatic doorsanimation
Uh, okay.
kirsten kemp cleavage
Personally, I’m a fan of it, but sadly, I have no images of it available.
ginger alexander beautiful
I wouldn’t go so far as to say beautiful.
xenosexuality
Found yourself a hot alien and are now busy trying to figure out how to get it on, huh?
direcpath speeds
Interestingly enough, the spell checker in Word suggests “Dire Path” as a replacement for DirecPath. As for their speeds, well, “slow as hell” is a speed.
And that’s it for another round of Keyword Kraziness. Keep those zany searches coming.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Keyword Kraziness: You Know Google Isn't A Wish-Granting Genie, Right?
A recent search string:
i want to fuck tanya memme
I can't say that I blame you, but a search engine isn't really going to help you achieve that goal.
i want to fuck tanya memme
I can't say that I blame you, but a search engine isn't really going to help you achieve that goal.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Keyword Kraziness: Kreepy Edition
I've gotten a few hits from people looking for nude pictures of Megan Lee Ethridge, the chick with the amazing abs from that couple of really crappy movies I watched recently.
Technically, she is topless in the picture I posted of her to illustrate the tightness of her body, but she's also literally topless, as you can't actually see much of anything above her (amazing) abdomen.
Regardless, you're not going to find any other pictures of her (nude or otherwise) here - unless I do some drawings of her, which I may - because this isn't that sort of site.
There are plenty of sites like that on the Web, though, and they shouldn't be hard to find, or to recognize in the summary provided with the search results.
For the record, I found the pictures I have of her on Usenet. Usenet is older than the Web, yet so few people seem to realize what a resource it is for things like pictures (and pretty much anything else you can imagine). So my advice? Do a search for Usenet, read up on it, and then sign up with Easy News.
If it weren't for Easy News, I probably wouldn't have to be clearing files off my hard drive.
Barring making use of Usenet, though, I would at least recommend that if you're looking for images you actually, oh, I don't know, try an image search.
Like this one. (Hey look: that search leads to nude pictures of Megan Lee Ethridge! Why, using the image search actually provided me with images! Who'd have thunk it?)
Anyway, on with the rest of the search strings (excluding the standard Giada searches) that have been leading people astray (i.e. here) lately:
is there any nude photos of tanya memme?
Not here.
jessica alba nipple grocery
Wait, you can buy Jessica Alba nipples at the grocery store?
herman beeftink
Ah, Herman Beeftink, the man behind the music for most every softcore porn ever aired on Cinemax. It's been so long since I've been treated to your award-losing sounds.
latex catsuit sold in virginia united states
I suspect the seeker is someone who probably shouldn't wear one. Anyway, do you have to actually buy it in Virginia? Can't you just order one, like from this site?
Extra really fucking creepy and disgusting bonus search string:
how to have sex with your mom
And with that, I am officially at a loss for words.
Technically, she is topless in the picture I posted of her to illustrate the tightness of her body, but she's also literally topless, as you can't actually see much of anything above her (amazing) abdomen.
Regardless, you're not going to find any other pictures of her (nude or otherwise) here - unless I do some drawings of her, which I may - because this isn't that sort of site.
There are plenty of sites like that on the Web, though, and they shouldn't be hard to find, or to recognize in the summary provided with the search results.
For the record, I found the pictures I have of her on Usenet. Usenet is older than the Web, yet so few people seem to realize what a resource it is for things like pictures (and pretty much anything else you can imagine). So my advice? Do a search for Usenet, read up on it, and then sign up with Easy News.
If it weren't for Easy News, I probably wouldn't have to be clearing files off my hard drive.
Barring making use of Usenet, though, I would at least recommend that if you're looking for images you actually, oh, I don't know, try an image search.
Like this one. (Hey look: that search leads to nude pictures of Megan Lee Ethridge! Why, using the image search actually provided me with images! Who'd have thunk it?)
Anyway, on with the rest of the search strings (excluding the standard Giada searches) that have been leading people astray (i.e. here) lately:
is there any nude photos of tanya memme?
Not here.
jessica alba nipple grocery
Wait, you can buy Jessica Alba nipples at the grocery store?
herman beeftink
Ah, Herman Beeftink, the man behind the music for most every softcore porn ever aired on Cinemax. It's been so long since I've been treated to your award-losing sounds.
latex catsuit sold in virginia united states
I suspect the seeker is someone who probably shouldn't wear one. Anyway, do you have to actually buy it in Virginia? Can't you just order one, like from this site?
Extra really fucking creepy and disgusting bonus search string:
how to have sex with your mom
And with that, I am officially at a loss for words.
Friday, September 07, 2007
Search Stings
It's time once again to look at some of the search strings responsible for generating what I laughingly refer to as "traffic" to this blog:
macho comic tract buy online jack chick
I'm not sure exactly what's being sought out here, but if I had to guess, I'd say it's a tract called The Sissy? Like any tract that's still in print, it can be purchased directly from the Chick Publications Web site.
(I just love how over-the-top macho Duke, the truck driver who thinks Jesus is a sissy, is in the opening panels. The guy's hairier than Wolverine [or Robin Williams for non-comics readers], and looks like he sweats pure testosterone. As the tract progresses, though, he definitely deflates, and ends up looking more like Harvey Pekar. Bonus: check out the great reaction shots of the waitress.)
satellite tv goes out each time it rains
Yes, I'm rather afraid that it does.
assorted giada-related searches, mostly involving her height and/or bra size
Interestingly, one of the searches was for a "giada t-shirt." That was a new one on me. As an aside, a couple of weeks ago I was flipping through the channels and as I was going past E!, I saw Giada, with a voiceover saying "...in her trademark low-cut tops." Then they started talking about someone from another Food Network show. Looks to have been a countdown of Food Network Babes or something, as there was definite focus on looks and décolletage.
geek babe chainmail
If you go to my MySpace page, click on Wendy from my list of friends, and send her a friend request, you will find a treasure trove of pictures to satisfy all of your geek babe chain mail needs if she accepts your request.
carla gugino bra size
I'm going to go with "freakin' huge."
brutal dilton
Uhh...?
snickers bar machine produsing
Is this a request for something you'd like to see on How It's Made?
direcpath reviews
Here's a very succinct one: they suck ass.
lena alexander boobs
Who's Lena Alexander?
ceramic tile moose
I see your ceramic tile moose and raise you a Naugahyde swatch caribou.
And that's it for the more noteworthy searches. The rest are mostly variations on the main themes.
macho comic tract buy online jack chick
I'm not sure exactly what's being sought out here, but if I had to guess, I'd say it's a tract called The Sissy? Like any tract that's still in print, it can be purchased directly from the Chick Publications Web site.
(I just love how over-the-top macho Duke, the truck driver who thinks Jesus is a sissy, is in the opening panels. The guy's hairier than Wolverine [or Robin Williams for non-comics readers], and looks like he sweats pure testosterone. As the tract progresses, though, he definitely deflates, and ends up looking more like Harvey Pekar. Bonus: check out the great reaction shots of the waitress.)
satellite tv goes out each time it rains
Yes, I'm rather afraid that it does.
assorted giada-related searches, mostly involving her height and/or bra size
Interestingly, one of the searches was for a "giada t-shirt." That was a new one on me. As an aside, a couple of weeks ago I was flipping through the channels and as I was going past E!, I saw Giada, with a voiceover saying "...in her trademark low-cut tops." Then they started talking about someone from another Food Network show. Looks to have been a countdown of Food Network Babes or something, as there was definite focus on looks and décolletage.
geek babe chainmail
If you go to my MySpace page, click on Wendy from my list of friends, and send her a friend request, you will find a treasure trove of pictures to satisfy all of your geek babe chain mail needs if she accepts your request.
carla gugino bra size
I'm going to go with "freakin' huge."
brutal dilton
Uhh...?
snickers bar machine produsing
Is this a request for something you'd like to see on How It's Made?
direcpath reviews
Here's a very succinct one: they suck ass.
lena alexander boobs
Who's Lena Alexander?
ceramic tile moose
I see your ceramic tile moose and raise you a Naugahyde swatch caribou.
And that's it for the more noteworthy searches. The rest are mostly variations on the main themes.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Latest Keyword
Someone just recently ended up here using this query:
how to..revenge on barking dog owners
I can't help you there, but if you do find something useful, come back and tell me about it.
(Stupid new dog kept me up for an hour last night.)
how to..revenge on barking dog owners
I can't help you there, but if you do find something useful, come back and tell me about it.
(Stupid new dog kept me up for an hour last night.)
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
automatic doors, kill fish
Apparently it's my penchant for not waiting for my car to fully warm up and then driving only short distances that's keeping my on-board diagnostics from compiling the necessary information, as, once again, I couldn't get my emissions inspection done.
While I was sitting in the waiting area a small group of what seemed to be lawyers gather around. Looks like the dealership is being sued for something, and there was some dispute about getting access to some papers.
One of the lawyers was a very attractive (married; did the standard ring check) young woman, whose involvement was only relatively recent and was not likely to continue much past today.
It was difficult to tell exactly what was going on and who was on whose side, but, with the inclusion of the cute lady lawyer, it made for a somewhat interesting diversion.
Shortly after I arrived there I got a text message from Brian with a picture of what looked to be a menu. The subject was "Maki Sushi," and I'm assuming that he sent it because of seeing my last name.
Besides being Finnish, as it is in my case, Maki is a Japanese name/word. I believe it means "fish," which would be why it showed up with sushi, and it most typically shows up as a girl's first name when used as a name. Every so often I get approached by Japanese and Japanese-American organizations looking for money, as they mistakenly thought that I might be Japanese.
(In Finnish, Maki means "hill," and it's unusual for it to appear on its own as a last name. Typicallly there's some kind of prefix that describes what kind of hill. In my family's case the prefix was Kataja, which means something on the order of "juniper," but when my uncle was born, my grandparents decided to abbreviate the name to Maki from Katajamaki ("Juniper Hill"). This was a pretty common practice for Finnish immigrants in the U.P. Many of them went all out and totally anglicized it, changing their name to Hill. The fact that Maki isn't typically a name on its own in Finland, and the fact that other kinds of Makis (Palomaki, Leppamaki, etc.) dropped their prefixes explains why there are so many Makis in the U.P. and yet so few of them are actually related to each other.)
Just got the call I've been waiting for. Still not a lot of detail, but things look kind of promising. I will keep you posted.
Oh, and the title of this entry is an actual search that directed someone here. I just thought it was weird enough to share.
Wait a minute..."kill fish," huh? Didn't I just get through saying that my last name means fish in another language? I'd better keep my eye on those automatic doors; someone may be rigging one up to kill me!
Maybe they really mean it when they say "Caution" on them.
While I was sitting in the waiting area a small group of what seemed to be lawyers gather around. Looks like the dealership is being sued for something, and there was some dispute about getting access to some papers.
One of the lawyers was a very attractive (married; did the standard ring check) young woman, whose involvement was only relatively recent and was not likely to continue much past today.
It was difficult to tell exactly what was going on and who was on whose side, but, with the inclusion of the cute lady lawyer, it made for a somewhat interesting diversion.
Shortly after I arrived there I got a text message from Brian with a picture of what looked to be a menu. The subject was "Maki Sushi," and I'm assuming that he sent it because of seeing my last name.
Besides being Finnish, as it is in my case, Maki is a Japanese name/word. I believe it means "fish," which would be why it showed up with sushi, and it most typically shows up as a girl's first name when used as a name. Every so often I get approached by Japanese and Japanese-American organizations looking for money, as they mistakenly thought that I might be Japanese.
(In Finnish, Maki means "hill," and it's unusual for it to appear on its own as a last name. Typicallly there's some kind of prefix that describes what kind of hill. In my family's case the prefix was Kataja, which means something on the order of "juniper," but when my uncle was born, my grandparents decided to abbreviate the name to Maki from Katajamaki ("Juniper Hill"). This was a pretty common practice for Finnish immigrants in the U.P. Many of them went all out and totally anglicized it, changing their name to Hill. The fact that Maki isn't typically a name on its own in Finland, and the fact that other kinds of Makis (Palomaki, Leppamaki, etc.) dropped their prefixes explains why there are so many Makis in the U.P. and yet so few of them are actually related to each other.)
Just got the call I've been waiting for. Still not a lot of detail, but things look kind of promising. I will keep you posted.
Oh, and the title of this entry is an actual search that directed someone here. I just thought it was weird enough to share.
Wait a minute..."kill fish," huh? Didn't I just get through saying that my last name means fish in another language? I'd better keep my eye on those automatic doors; someone may be rigging one up to kill me!
Maybe they really mean it when they say "Caution" on them.
Wait, That Blog Says She's An A Cup! Why, Her Boobs Aren't Big At All! Damn These Lying Eyes!
First off, happy National Gorilla Suit Day!
Secondly, I have to admit that in yesterday’s post I was a bit less than honest.
After all, for me, a day in which I get a haircut and make meat loaf is actually pretty amazingly eventful.
What makes it worse is that I also made biscuits and gravy for breakfast/lunch, which makes for a phenomenally eventful day in the life of Jon.
(By the way, someone should come up with a word for breakfast/lunch, something that demonstrates that it’s not quite breakfast, not quite lunch…hmm…br…bru…got it! Blunch! Or, if you want to get all hip hop, you could day b-lunch, like, “What’s for b-lunch, b-yotch?” Perfect. What’s that? Oh, right, “brunch.” Never mind.)
The point is that despite what I claimed, yesterday really wasn’t any less eventful than my standard non-eventful days; I just didn’t feel like writing much of a post.
I had no random complaints that I really felt like getting off my chest, no “witty” observations, no desire to write an entry mentioning Giada’s boobs or something that would lure unsuspecting people wanting to learn Carla Gugino’s bra size pointlessly here.
I really shouldn’t make fun of the boob and bra size seekers, though I do have to ask a question, which I know none of the people who could answer will, since they only stick around long enough to see that they aren’t going to find any pictures of Giada’s boobs or learn anyone’s bra size, about why people want to know bra sizes anyway.
Honestly, why do you want to know? What will you gain from the knowledge? Is it a matter of wanting your masturbatory fantasies to be as specific and accurate as possible? Are you planning on designing clothes for them?
What sort of edification do you gain from knowing a celebrity's cup size? I mean, “freaking huge” or “tiny and cute” aren’t specific enough for you? Is it like, “Hmm, I thought her boobs were big, but I couldn’t be sure just by looking at them.”
And beyond your need to know, what makes you think you’re going to find out?
For the most part, the only celebrities who provide their bra sizes are Playboy Playmates and the like. Most actresses don’t really publicize that sort of thing.
Still, I really shouldn’t be picking on the seekers of knowledge, the seekers of boobs, and the seekers of knowledge about boobs whose quests unwittingly guide them here for a 0-5 second stay.
After all, if it weren’t for the people who click on the links that pop up in search engine results even though if they looked at the text of the results they’d clearly see that they’re not going to find what they’re looking for, I would hardly have any traffic at all, just the meager handful, the B cup’s worth, if you will, of regular visitors.
Me complaining about the misguided visitors I get is like when D.R.I. would sing those songs about what a hassle it is to be famous.
Right now you’re saying, “D.R.I.? Who the hell is D.R.I.?”
To which I respond, “Exactly.”
(For the record, D.R.I., or “Dirty Rotten Imbeciles,” was a punk band that crossed over to thrash metal. Sort of like Sean Astin in Rudy, who made up for what he lacked in height with spirit, D.R.I. made up for what they lacked in talent with enthusiasm. I loved those guys, and listening to them still makes me smile. I didn’t always agree with their opinions – the song Gun Control comes to mind – but who could resist the hard, fast, and heavy sound mixed with inspired lyrics, coming together to form short, punch little ditties that seldom lasted for more than a minute?
One of my favorites is Dead in a Ditch:
Pretty young girl from the Oakland Hills
Stole her dad’s car and all her mom’s pills
Got all fucked up, drove off a cliff
Ended up dead, dead in a ditch
Just like her mother always told her she’d end up
All fucked up
Dead
Dead in a ditch
They often turned their attention to a variety issues, such as drug abuse, AIDS, child abduction, war, and pollution, but they also liked to cut loose and just have some fun every so often.
One of the other things I liked about them is their appreciation for the work of ee cummings, who is one of my favorite poets.
Anyway, that’s it for this little D.R.I. retrospective. We now return you to your regularly scheduled Threshold, already in progress.)
..to which I said, “No way. You’re the one who wanted to have hookers over in the first place, so you’re the one who’s going to have to deal with getting rid of the bodies.”
Anyway, today the only thing I have on tap is a trip back to the car dealership for Emission Inspection version 2.0.
Hopefully the 100+ miles I’ve put on is sufficient to give them what they need.
Other than that I’m waiting on a phone call that I also spent most of yesterday waiting on, before finally getting a call at the end of the day asking if it’d be okay if we postponed the call until today.
Yes, I’m being vague.
Basically, there is the possibility of me getting a part-time job. I’ll give you more details as things develop.
Anyway, I’ve been more than wordy enough today to make up for yesterday’s terseness, so I guess I’ll bring this entry to a close.
Secondly, I have to admit that in yesterday’s post I was a bit less than honest.
After all, for me, a day in which I get a haircut and make meat loaf is actually pretty amazingly eventful.
What makes it worse is that I also made biscuits and gravy for breakfast/lunch, which makes for a phenomenally eventful day in the life of Jon.
(By the way, someone should come up with a word for breakfast/lunch, something that demonstrates that it’s not quite breakfast, not quite lunch…hmm…br…bru…got it! Blunch! Or, if you want to get all hip hop, you could day b-lunch, like, “What’s for b-lunch, b-yotch?” Perfect. What’s that? Oh, right, “brunch.” Never mind.)
The point is that despite what I claimed, yesterday really wasn’t any less eventful than my standard non-eventful days; I just didn’t feel like writing much of a post.
I had no random complaints that I really felt like getting off my chest, no “witty” observations, no desire to write an entry mentioning Giada’s boobs or something that would lure unsuspecting people wanting to learn Carla Gugino’s bra size pointlessly here.
I really shouldn’t make fun of the boob and bra size seekers, though I do have to ask a question, which I know none of the people who could answer will, since they only stick around long enough to see that they aren’t going to find any pictures of Giada’s boobs or learn anyone’s bra size, about why people want to know bra sizes anyway.
Honestly, why do you want to know? What will you gain from the knowledge? Is it a matter of wanting your masturbatory fantasies to be as specific and accurate as possible? Are you planning on designing clothes for them?
What sort of edification do you gain from knowing a celebrity's cup size? I mean, “freaking huge” or “tiny and cute” aren’t specific enough for you? Is it like, “Hmm, I thought her boobs were big, but I couldn’t be sure just by looking at them.”
And beyond your need to know, what makes you think you’re going to find out?
For the most part, the only celebrities who provide their bra sizes are Playboy Playmates and the like. Most actresses don’t really publicize that sort of thing.
Still, I really shouldn’t be picking on the seekers of knowledge, the seekers of boobs, and the seekers of knowledge about boobs whose quests unwittingly guide them here for a 0-5 second stay.
After all, if it weren’t for the people who click on the links that pop up in search engine results even though if they looked at the text of the results they’d clearly see that they’re not going to find what they’re looking for, I would hardly have any traffic at all, just the meager handful, the B cup’s worth, if you will, of regular visitors.
Me complaining about the misguided visitors I get is like when D.R.I. would sing those songs about what a hassle it is to be famous.
Right now you’re saying, “D.R.I.? Who the hell is D.R.I.?”
To which I respond, “Exactly.”
(For the record, D.R.I., or “Dirty Rotten Imbeciles,” was a punk band that crossed over to thrash metal. Sort of like Sean Astin in Rudy, who made up for what he lacked in height with spirit, D.R.I. made up for what they lacked in talent with enthusiasm. I loved those guys, and listening to them still makes me smile. I didn’t always agree with their opinions – the song Gun Control comes to mind – but who could resist the hard, fast, and heavy sound mixed with inspired lyrics, coming together to form short, punch little ditties that seldom lasted for more than a minute?
One of my favorites is Dead in a Ditch:
Pretty young girl from the Oakland Hills
Stole her dad’s car and all her mom’s pills
Got all fucked up, drove off a cliff
Ended up dead, dead in a ditch
Just like her mother always told her she’d end up
All fucked up
Dead
Dead in a ditch
They often turned their attention to a variety issues, such as drug abuse, AIDS, child abduction, war, and pollution, but they also liked to cut loose and just have some fun every so often.
One of the other things I liked about them is their appreciation for the work of ee cummings, who is one of my favorite poets.
Anyway, that’s it for this little D.R.I. retrospective. We now return you to your regularly scheduled Threshold, already in progress.)
..to which I said, “No way. You’re the one who wanted to have hookers over in the first place, so you’re the one who’s going to have to deal with getting rid of the bodies.”
Anyway, today the only thing I have on tap is a trip back to the car dealership for Emission Inspection version 2.0.
Hopefully the 100+ miles I’ve put on is sufficient to give them what they need.
Other than that I’m waiting on a phone call that I also spent most of yesterday waiting on, before finally getting a call at the end of the day asking if it’d be okay if we postponed the call until today.
Yes, I’m being vague.
Basically, there is the possibility of me getting a part-time job. I’ll give you more details as things develop.
Anyway, I’ve been more than wordy enough today to make up for yesterday’s terseness, so I guess I’ll bring this entry to a close.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
OAQ (Occasionally Asked Questions) or Seek And Ye Shall NOT Find
I don’t intend this to come off as bragging, but I know a lot of stuff.
After all, I’ve been on this planet for over 34 years and throughout most of that time I’ve had a habit of collecting bits of abstract information and stuffing them into my brain. Sometimes actively and deliberately, other times passively and unintentionally.
Beyond all of the information I have “on hand,” I’m also pretty skilled at finding stuff out through a variety of methods, though I must admit that these days I seldom make use of methods that don’t involve the Internet.
So the point is that I know a lot of stuff and what I don’t know I can generally find out.
Of course, there is infinitely more stuff out there that I don’t know, and much of it is impossible to discover through the means available to me, and even more of it I simply do not care enough to try to find out.
This post is about some of that stuff.
As I’ve mentioned many times before, among other things the traffic counting software I use here allows me to see what search engines, if applicable, referred people here, and exactly what they were searching for.
I begin to notice certain trends pretty quickly, such as the people who come here looking for information on a certain shitty soft-core porn movie involving prehistory, and I become conscious of how people are wasting their time coming here, as I don’t have the information they’re looking for and in a lot of cases I don’t even know where they can find it.
Based on some of the top traffic generators, I thought I would compile a list of things I don’t know anything about that people come here looking to learn about in the hopes that the text stating that “I don’t know the answer to your question about this” will come up in the search results.
In some cases, though, I will at least try to point people in the right direction.
Okay, first up, naturally, is Bikini Cavegirl, which is also known as Teenage Cavegirl.
I do not know – or care – whether or not the people in the movie were actually having sex. I don’t know anything about the personal lives of any of the actors or actresses, there are no pictures of any of them here, and you cannot download the movie from this site. If you really need information about it, though I cannot imagine why you would, look it up on IMDb or Wikipedia. If you want to download the movie illegally, check out Usenet or any of the P2P stuff out there. If you want to buy the movie, go to a site that sells movies.
All of that being said, it’s not a good movie even by shitty soft-core porn movie standards. The women in it aren’t really that hot and the story and acting are sub-Ed Wood level. It’s just that bad and is not worth wasting your time trying to find information on it or to purchase or download it.
Okay, next up, I don’t know if Giada De Laurentis is pregnant. Months ago I made a reference to the fact that she appeared to be wearing a maternity outfit on one episode of Everyday Italian that I watched. That’s the extent of what I know. This is not a celebrity gossip blog; I’m not likely to have that sort of information here and I’m not going to try to find it for you.
In a similar vein, I do not know the bra sizes of any celebrity. I get a lot of hits from people looking for this. Most commonly – because I do mention her, though not her bra size, which I imagine is substantial, frequently – I get hits from people looking for Carla Gugino’s. As I stated, because I don’t know any celebrity’s, I don’t know what Carla Gugino’s bra size is.
Similarly, I don’t know what Monica Keena’s bra size is either.
Sometimes IMDb biographies will list them (citing Celebrity Sleuth as a source), but not often. I don’t know where you can find this information otherwise. There is a site that has a list of sizes, but it is, apparently (per the discussion on Digg), inaccurate, and like many things on the Web has not been updated since 1995 (it probably was created on a BBS or something and simply migrated to the Web unchanged) and does not, consequently, list anyone who came into prominence since then, so I’m not going to bother posting the URL.
I can’t see any reason why anyone would need to know this, therefore I have no idea what kind of salary beer spokesmodels make. I wouldn’t even know where to look for information like that. I can tell you where not to look, though: here.
Again, because I don’t do celebrity gossip – or New Age mysticism – I can’t even tell you why someone would do a search for “Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and Cosmic Energy,“ let alone provide any information about it.
So in summary, all you need to know about Bikini Cavegirl is that it’s a shitty movie, I don’t have any celebrity gossip (or bra sizes), and I’m not a beer spokesmodel salary expert.
I don’t want you to think that I’m judging you based on the kind of stuff you’re searching for (even though I’m totally judging you based on the kind of stuff you’re searching for), but I do want to make it clear that for anything other than me spouting off about whatever comes to mind with no real guiding theme, or the occasional bit of artwork, you really need to search elsewhere to find it.
After all, I’ve been on this planet for over 34 years and throughout most of that time I’ve had a habit of collecting bits of abstract information and stuffing them into my brain. Sometimes actively and deliberately, other times passively and unintentionally.
Beyond all of the information I have “on hand,” I’m also pretty skilled at finding stuff out through a variety of methods, though I must admit that these days I seldom make use of methods that don’t involve the Internet.
So the point is that I know a lot of stuff and what I don’t know I can generally find out.
Of course, there is infinitely more stuff out there that I don’t know, and much of it is impossible to discover through the means available to me, and even more of it I simply do not care enough to try to find out.
This post is about some of that stuff.
As I’ve mentioned many times before, among other things the traffic counting software I use here allows me to see what search engines, if applicable, referred people here, and exactly what they were searching for.
I begin to notice certain trends pretty quickly, such as the people who come here looking for information on a certain shitty soft-core porn movie involving prehistory, and I become conscious of how people are wasting their time coming here, as I don’t have the information they’re looking for and in a lot of cases I don’t even know where they can find it.
Based on some of the top traffic generators, I thought I would compile a list of things I don’t know anything about that people come here looking to learn about in the hopes that the text stating that “I don’t know the answer to your question about this” will come up in the search results.
In some cases, though, I will at least try to point people in the right direction.
Okay, first up, naturally, is Bikini Cavegirl, which is also known as Teenage Cavegirl.
I do not know – or care – whether or not the people in the movie were actually having sex. I don’t know anything about the personal lives of any of the actors or actresses, there are no pictures of any of them here, and you cannot download the movie from this site. If you really need information about it, though I cannot imagine why you would, look it up on IMDb or Wikipedia. If you want to download the movie illegally, check out Usenet or any of the P2P stuff out there. If you want to buy the movie, go to a site that sells movies.
All of that being said, it’s not a good movie even by shitty soft-core porn movie standards. The women in it aren’t really that hot and the story and acting are sub-Ed Wood level. It’s just that bad and is not worth wasting your time trying to find information on it or to purchase or download it.
Okay, next up, I don’t know if Giada De Laurentis is pregnant. Months ago I made a reference to the fact that she appeared to be wearing a maternity outfit on one episode of Everyday Italian that I watched. That’s the extent of what I know. This is not a celebrity gossip blog; I’m not likely to have that sort of information here and I’m not going to try to find it for you.
In a similar vein, I do not know the bra sizes of any celebrity. I get a lot of hits from people looking for this. Most commonly – because I do mention her, though not her bra size, which I imagine is substantial, frequently – I get hits from people looking for Carla Gugino’s. As I stated, because I don’t know any celebrity’s, I don’t know what Carla Gugino’s bra size is.
Similarly, I don’t know what Monica Keena’s bra size is either.
Sometimes IMDb biographies will list them (citing Celebrity Sleuth as a source), but not often. I don’t know where you can find this information otherwise. There is a site that has a list of sizes, but it is, apparently (per the discussion on Digg), inaccurate, and like many things on the Web has not been updated since 1995 (it probably was created on a BBS or something and simply migrated to the Web unchanged) and does not, consequently, list anyone who came into prominence since then, so I’m not going to bother posting the URL.
I can’t see any reason why anyone would need to know this, therefore I have no idea what kind of salary beer spokesmodels make. I wouldn’t even know where to look for information like that. I can tell you where not to look, though: here.
Again, because I don’t do celebrity gossip – or New Age mysticism – I can’t even tell you why someone would do a search for “Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and Cosmic Energy,“ let alone provide any information about it.
So in summary, all you need to know about Bikini Cavegirl is that it’s a shitty movie, I don’t have any celebrity gossip (or bra sizes), and I’m not a beer spokesmodel salary expert.
I don’t want you to think that I’m judging you based on the kind of stuff you’re searching for (even though I’m totally judging you based on the kind of stuff you’re searching for), but I do want to make it clear that for anything other than me spouting off about whatever comes to mind with no real guiding theme, or the occasional bit of artwork, you really need to search elsewhere to find it.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
The (Unintentional) Joke's On You
There's a certain irony to be found in the fact that after I did an entry about people coming here on misguided searches, I got an influx of traffic from people coming here on misguided searches.
Apparently Technorati keeps an index of words that blog entries are tagged with, and because I used the word "sexy" as part of one of the labels on that entry...well, you can figure out the rest.
I'd apologize to all of the people who came here looking for any amount of sexiness, but I'm not sorry, so there would be little point.
My "Sunday" is rapidly winding to a close, with work looming in the all-too near-future.
I'm sure it will be incredibly slow and boring. However, there will be a lot of food provided, and tomorrow and Friday are both designated as holidays, so I'll be making bank for working.
I will not, however, be having a sexy time.
In any case, Happy Thanksgiving to all of my readers, regardless of whether they're here to actually read the entries or on a misguided search for sexiness.
(As a Thanksgiving gift for all of you who came here from Technorati, I'll go through and add "sexy" to the labels of some of my sexier drawings so that your trip here won't be a total waste. Click on the "sexy" label here and it will take you to them.)
Apparently Technorati keeps an index of words that blog entries are tagged with, and because I used the word "sexy" as part of one of the labels on that entry...well, you can figure out the rest.
I'd apologize to all of the people who came here looking for any amount of sexiness, but I'm not sorry, so there would be little point.
My "Sunday" is rapidly winding to a close, with work looming in the all-too near-future.
I'm sure it will be incredibly slow and boring. However, there will be a lot of food provided, and tomorrow and Friday are both designated as holidays, so I'll be making bank for working.
I will not, however, be having a sexy time.
In any case, Happy Thanksgiving to all of my readers, regardless of whether they're here to actually read the entries or on a misguided search for sexiness.
(As a Thanksgiving gift for all of you who came here from Technorati, I'll go through and add "sexy" to the labels of some of my sexier drawings so that your trip here won't be a total waste. Click on the "sexy" label here and it will take you to them.)
Sexy Vacation Pics
No, there aren't actually any sexy vacation pics - or pics of any sort - in this entry.
The title actually refers to a search string that brought someone to Threshold earlier today.
All the way from France, in fact.
I remain sort of baffled by the things that people search for and especially baffled by how those searches lead them here.
I mean, just because Google brings up a site that doesn't mean it's related to what you're looking for. Don't people read any of the excerpted text before they go clicking on links all willy nilly?
When the words you're looking for don't appear together contiguously, that should be a clue that you haven't found what you're looking for.
I suppose I shouldn't complain about people coming here as the result of oddball searches, though, as those poor search skills do increase my hit count.
Unfortunately those random searches seldom lead to repeat visitors so they don't do much for me other than provide fodder for pointless entries that nobody's going to read anyway because once they get here they'll see that there are no sexy vacation pics to be found, just the boring ramblings of some guy who doesn't even go on real vacations, sexy or otherwise.
The title actually refers to a search string that brought someone to Threshold earlier today.
All the way from France, in fact.
I remain sort of baffled by the things that people search for and especially baffled by how those searches lead them here.
I mean, just because Google brings up a site that doesn't mean it's related to what you're looking for. Don't people read any of the excerpted text before they go clicking on links all willy nilly?
When the words you're looking for don't appear together contiguously, that should be a clue that you haven't found what you're looking for.
I suppose I shouldn't complain about people coming here as the result of oddball searches, though, as those poor search skills do increase my hit count.
Unfortunately those random searches seldom lead to repeat visitors so they don't do much for me other than provide fodder for pointless entries that nobody's going to read anyway because once they get here they'll see that there are no sexy vacation pics to be found, just the boring ramblings of some guy who doesn't even go on real vacations, sexy or otherwise.
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