Keyword Kraziness: Kleavage In The Kitchen Edition

First things first:

1. Giada De Laurentiis is not a dwarf. Period. I still think it's odd that people even ask that - and odder still that they come here after this blog pops up in their search results - but there it is. No. Not a dwarf. At all. Some people also apparently wonder if she has "dwarf blood," by which, I assume, they mean to ask if somewhere in her family tree there is/was a dwarf. I neither know nor care. (I'm assuming that's what they mean, and that they're not asking if she actually has dwarf blood, like in a decanter or something.)

2. Evidently, she was pregnant at some point. Is she now? Has she been recently? Will she be again? I have no idea, and further, I don't especially care.

Okay, and now to the point...I don't know what her bra size is - or whether or not she wears a water bra (cf. the part about me not caring), but for all of the people who end up here as a result of searches related to Giada's breasts, here is a link to Giada's Cleavage. I am no way affiliated with the site, but given how much of what little traffic I get* is related to Giada's boobs, I thought I would provide the link as a public service. You're welcome.

*Ordinarily I'd be grateful for the traffic, but people who end up here as the result of Giada-related searches don't stick around and don't come back.

Crazy Hot Italian Mystery

Commenter Nhannie responded to my often asked question about why people think Giada De Laurentiis is a dwarf on one of my older posts:

i ended up here on a "giada dwarf" google search....and i'll tell you why so many people think she is one! she has an enormous head, and really short arms, for the size of her torso.

Okay, I'll grant you the big head thing - though I personally think it's more a matter of having an extremely skinny neck - but I've never noticed the thing about her arms. Though honestly, I don't see how anyone can readily notice anything beyond the schnozz, the crazy eyes and too-wide smile, and, of course, the boobs.
Still, all one really needs to do is just watch the show and have it confirmed that she's not a dwarf.
She frequently interacts with people of "normal" proportions, and the expense of "Giada-sizing" a kitchen, cooking implements, and ingredients if she were a dwarf would hardly be worth it, I should think.
I just can't see looking at her and thinking "dwarf." My initial response was "psycho," based on those crazy eyes and that maniacal smile.
Besides, if you look at the success of Little People, Big World on TLC, it would seem foolish for Food Network to cover up the fact that one of its stars is a little person, as having a dwarf cooking show would likely mean big ratings (pun intended).
And for the record, once again I will state that I've seen her in person and she is not a dwarf.

Keyword Klearinghouse

So I thought I'd take another look at the keywords that have been the primary drivers of what I laughingly call traffic to this blog.
There are, of course, the usual suspects: Bikini Cavegirl/Teenage Cavegirl, Carla Gugino's/Giada de Laurentis'/Monica Keena's/Insert Female Celebrity Name Here's bra/cup size, various other queries related to Giada, such as her height and whether or not she's a dwarf, whether or not she's pregnant, and searches for naked/bikini pictures of her. There are some people who are specifically looking for her nipples. I'm not sure if they just want close-up pictures of her nipples, pictures in which her nipples are visible, or if they're attempting to physically locate her actual nipples, as if there is some sort of GNPS (Giada Nipple Positioning System) site that lets you know where Giada's nipples are at any given time. Then again, maybe people are wondering if Giada even has nipples at all. It seems likely that she does, but I guess you can't take anything for granted.
A good percentage of traffic is coming from people looking for information about Ginger Alexander and Richard Davis of the recently renamed TLC series The Real Estate Pros (Formerly The Real Deal; not sure what necessitated the name change, though the new tagline on the commercials is "When it comes to real estate, Richard Davis is the real deal.").
Many of these seekers of wisdom are, in fact, seekers of boobs - sorry, I'm fresh out of Ginger Alexander's boobs. Try back next month; I may get a new shipment.
I would suggest that those of you attempting to find Ginger Alexander's MySpace page - if one exists - that you might want to go to, oh, I don't know, maybe MySpace.com to look for it.
Some want to know if Ginger is dating in general, while others want to know if she's dating Richard specifically.
As I have absolutely no basis for saying it, therefore I will not say that yes, Ginger and Richard are "dating," if that's what you want to call Ginger giving him hand jobs in the rest rooms at home improvement stores dating.
And no, I don't have any idea what Ginger's bra size is and wouldn't even want to hazard a guess because I have no skill whatsoever at estimating that sort of thing, as I can't see any reason whatsoever to want to know what someone's bra size is unless you're planning to buy her a bra as a gift or something, and if that is what you are planning, let me just stop you right there and say that sending lingerie to some woman you've never met, but have seen on TV and with whom you feel you've established some deep connection via the TV, is probably not the best way to make a positive first impression. I know, I know, it seems like it would be the perfect gift, but some women just get freaked out by complete strangers sending them undergarments, especially when accompanied with some ominous note about how you'll see her wearing them "soon." They also tend to react negatively to pictures of them that you've taken through their bedroom windows while they're sleeping, even though going to her house in the middle of the night like that shows that you're serious enough to not let a little thing like a restraining order stand between you and true love. Pfft, women. Am I right?
Anyway, I'm really not your best source for all things Ginger, so keep looking elsewhere.
One new Keyword Kontender has been the search string selecca connie naked.
I don't have too much to say about this one, but I would refer you to her body of work, and mention that she has been married to John Tesh for over fifteen years, and then let you decide for yourself what that says about the chances that she has ever appeared nude in any fashion that you will benefit (?) from.
Oh, and I have no pictures of Tanya Memme in a bikini/nude available for you. Pictures of her in a bikini do exist, but you're not going to find them here. As for the nudes, I will say that it seems unlikely, but you never know, I guess. What I do know is that I haven't seen them, but then, I haven't been engaged in dogged pursuit of them like some of you out there. Still, I would say that a Google Image Search is your best bet to find pictures of her.

Crazy Hot Italian Bikini

Here's a clip from Giada's new show in which she's seen in a blue bikini, is apparently not pregnant, and either rides around on a miniature jet ski or is proving once and for all that she's not a dwarf.
I found it via checking the search results of someone who came here looking for it.
So here it is.

Crazy Hot Italian Picture

At long last I've gotten around to doing a picture of the Crazy Hot Italian Chick herself, Giada De Laurentis.



Okay, so she's not in a bra/bikini, or nude, as most of the picture-seekrs would like (Hey, it's not like I would mind either), but I think it's a good representative image of her, what with the crazed, too-wide smile. Seriously, sometimes she looks like she's been a victim of the Joker's toxic "laughing gas."
Still, despite the crazed look with the too-wide smile, her tendency to over-Italianize her pronunciation of words, the way, as B-Side over at TVGasm (do a search for "Giada" to find his various entries on her) suggested, she looks as though she's biting into a triple-decker sandwich no matter how small the morsel she's eating actually is, and that all-too Italian shnozz, she is undeniably hot, and is worth of portraiture.
That's kind of tricky, though, as there really aren't a lot of pictures of her out there (whether of the nude/bra/bikini variety or not), so I don't have much source material. I guess I could sift through my copies of her cookbooks to see what I can find.
Oh, and there is an inaccuracy in this picture in that she doesn't appear to be pregnant, though I did put her in the proper scale.
Okay, all smart ass remarks aside, people, I seriously don't know if is now or has ever been pregnant. I also know that she is not a dwarf, but what I don't know is why so many of you are wondering whether or not she is. If you did end up here on a "giada dwarf?" kind of search, please, please, PLEASE leave a comment explaining why you were ever wondering that in the first place. It'll only take a couple of minutes of your valuable dwarf porn searching time to leave a note saying something like, "This boy at my school told me she's a dwarf," or whatever. I just want to know why. Is that so much to ask?
The only explanation I've been able to come up with is that her head is, apparently, fairly large. That's what I've seen other people saying, at any rate, though I've never really noticed, as I've always been too distracted by the psychotic gleam in her eyes and the seemingly imminent threat of being bitten. I think it's more a matter of her neck being really skinny, but whatever.
Oh, and on an equally amusing note, someone else came here the other day searching for pictures of Giada from "before her nose job."
If that nose she's sporting now is an "after," I damn sure don't want to see the "before."

Monokini Cavegirl

Okay, in response to the hits I get from people searching on the movie Bikini Cavegirl (AKA Teenage Cavegirl), I've done a few cavegirl pictures, though none of them have actually been related to the movie.
However, a bit ago I found a picture of actress Jezebelle Bond, who played Tahra, the titular - in more ways than one - cavegirl (whether it be Teenage or Bikini), dressed up in (part of) her costume from the movie and so I did a picture (using the line art/vector shading style) for those Cavegirl purists out there who want to see Jezebelle as Tahra getting the artistic treatment.
Be advised that she is topless in the picture, so keep that in mind before clicking on the link to this NSFW picture.
So there you go. I'm sure if you search Usenet or the torrents you'll find all kinds of pictures and videos of Jezebelle in even greater state of undress and engaging in all sorts of naughty behavior, but, once again, you won't find that here.
Oh, and on the topic of weird search strings, I've gotten enough people coming here on this one that I really need to know what's up with the whole "is Giada a dwarf?" thing.
WTF are you people looking for? Are you talking about some other Giada besides the Crazy Hot Italian Chick? If so, wouldn't it be rather easy to tell? I mean, sure, there's some sort of distinction between the different kinds of little people, but what does it matter to you if this other Giada is suffering from dwarfism versus cretinism?
Is there some weird rumor that's going around that they're using special effects to make her look like she isn't one on her show?
If you are talking about Giada De Laurentis, I can tell you from personal experience that she is actually a fairly tall woman, well over five feet and by no stretch (or compression) of the imagination could she be considered a dwarf, unless she's actually from a race of giants or something. Is that what the rumor is?
But I want to know what this is about. Is it a WoW/Everquest thing? Midget porn? What is the deal?
Seriously, if you are a person who came here to find out if Giada - whoever she may be - is a dwarf, please leave a comment explaining why you're trying to find that out. You can leave it anonymously, but please explain it to me.
(Oh, and I still don't know if she's pregnant.)

This One I Can Answer

Okay, I've seen a lot of weird search strings that have brought people here.
One of the main searches that brings people here is asking whether or not Giada De Laurentis is pregnant, which I don't know.
However, I recently got a hit from someone wondering whether or not Giada is a dwarf.
That was a "Wha-huh?" moment for me.
It is, however, a question that, unlike the pregnancy one, I can actually answer, as I've seen her in person.
No, she is not a dwarf.
I can't even imagine why anyone might think that she possibly could be, but even so, the answer remains no, she isn't.
To get back to the pregnancy, thing, though, I will share everything - as little as that is - that I know about it.
Several months ago I saw some new episodes of Everyday Italian. In one of them Giada appeared to be wearing a maternity outfit.
The episodes that are airing now seem to be reruns of those episodes that were new several months ago, by the way.
Bear in mind that this was several months ago, and as I learned while listening to her speak at the National Book Festival, production of the show is done in blocks twice a year.
So the new episodes I saw months ago were probably filmed a few months before that, so if she was pregnant at that time, odds are she's had the baby by now.
Further, when she appeared on Iron Chef America recently - which was filmed much more recently than the episode in which I thought she might be wearing a maternity top - she appeared as slender as usual. So again, if she was pregnant, she probably isn't now.
And that's all I can tell you.