The Reason HD Was Invented (Plus: Learn At The Feet Of The Bra Size Masters!)

Some time ago when the movie Species aired (unedited) on one of the HD channels I get, I learned that seeing Natasha Henstridge nude in High Definition qualifies as A Very Good Thing. This wasn’t a surprising discovery, certainly, but it was something that I kept in mind when I saw that Species II was airing on Universal HD last night.
So, even though it’s not a good movie, I opted to sit down and watch it, though I forgot that I’d have to sit through almost the entire movie before seeing the reason HD was invented (at least as it relates to Natasha Henstridge).
In that pivotal scene, we see Natasha Henstridge’s alien-human hybrid character slowly walking across a room to approach her male counterpart. For these hybrids, the imperative to mate is even stronger than it is for humans who don’t have alien DNA, and conception and birth occur almost instantly, which is, of course, bad news for the plain vanilla humans, who would soon be driven to extinction by the rapidly-reproducing and aggressive aliens with their accelerated rate of maturation.
As they slowly walked towards each other, I found myself singing, “We don’t have to take our clothes off to have a good time, oh no!”
But of course, they did take their clothes off, which was actually fine by me, as it was the primary reason I was watching the crappy move in the first place, and soon they were bumping uglies. And I mean they were bumping really uglies, as they had morphed into their H.R. Giger-designed alien forms.
(For anime/hentai/manga fans there was even some tentacle rape [NSFW] involved.)
Anyway, after the movie was over I decided to stick around on the couch, as, starting last night, Universal HD is airing Battlestar Galactica (the 21st Century version) from the beginning. Despite hearing from many sources how great the show is, I never got into it, but now that I can see it in HD, I figure I might as well give it a shot. Even from watching just the first episode I can see that it’s a step up from the mini-series that launched it, which I watched but was largely unimpressed by.
They’re also airing Threshold, but I didn’t watch that, despite the shared name, and the presence of the lovely and talented Carla Gugino, as I had watched the show back during its brief original run on CBS.
Today has been largely uneventful, with a failed attempt at taking a nap being the only thing of note that’s really happened.

Build Your Bra Size Intelligence Department:
Speaking of the lovely and talented Carla Gugino, there have, of late, been even more than the usual number of seekers of her cup size visiting this blog (and promptly leaving in frustration). As has always been, and will likely always be the case, I can’t give you what you seek, but I do have something that I would like to pass along to all seekers of celebrity bra size wisdom.
While flipping through the channels the other day I stumbled upon a special entitled Man Made: The Secret History of the Bra on the National Geographic Channel.
From what little of it that I saw, it seemed to me that this show could provide a wealth of information for inquiring minds. Perhaps using the information provided, bra size seekers could learn how to determine sizes for themselves simply through eyeballing in much the way that the employees of an upscale lingerie shop in New York featured on the show do.
At the very least you would learn that any information you do find about celebrity bra sizes should be taken with a grain of salt, given the statement made by the shop’s proprietor that “8 out of 10 women wear the wrong sized bra.” And this guy knows from bras; he’s like the bra size equivalent of the enlightened master sitting on a mountain top to whom all seekers of wisdom will ascend.
If he is correct, even if the celebrities whose cup sizes you so desperately need to know in order to proceed with your bra-related intellectual pursuits were to reveal them to you, there’s an 80% chance they would be mistaken.
One customer at the shop was laboring under the mistaken belief that she was a 34 D. One of the women working there took one look at her and assured her that she is, in fact, a 32 F.
There’s so much about bras that these wizened masters could teach you, young Grasshopper. When you can unclasp a bra with one hand, you will be ready.

Okay, Now You People Are Just Getting Weird

Latest celebrity bra size-related search:

kitty's bra size on gunsmoke

The woman has been dead for nearly 20 years...what possible reason could you have for wanting to know the bra size of a dead woman?
For the last goddamn time: I don't know the bra size of any celebrity (except Jessica Alba, thanks to someone selling a bra she wore in Sin City on eBay - it's 34 B), and you don't stand to gain anything by learning a celebrity's bra size.
Just throttle back on the creepy obsessiveness already.

Search Stings

It's time once again to look at some of the search strings responsible for generating what I laughingly refer to as "traffic" to this blog:

macho comic tract buy online jack chick
I'm not sure exactly what's being sought out here, but if I had to guess, I'd say it's a tract called The Sissy? Like any tract that's still in print, it can be purchased directly from the Chick Publications Web site.
(I just love how over-the-top macho Duke, the truck driver who thinks Jesus is a sissy, is in the opening panels. The guy's hairier than Wolverine [or Robin Williams for non-comics readers], and looks like he sweats pure testosterone. As the tract progresses, though, he definitely deflates, and ends up looking more like Harvey Pekar. Bonus: check out the great reaction shots of the waitress.)

satellite tv goes out each time it rains
Yes, I'm rather afraid that it does.

assorted giada-related searches, mostly involving her height and/or bra size
Interestingly, one of the searches was for a "giada t-shirt." That was a new one on me. As an aside, a couple of weeks ago I was flipping through the channels and as I was going past E!, I saw Giada, with a voiceover saying "...in her trademark low-cut tops." Then they started talking about someone from another Food Network show. Looks to have been a countdown of Food Network Babes or something, as there was definite focus on looks and décolletage.

geek babe chainmail
If you go to my MySpace page, click on Wendy from my list of friends, and send her a friend request, you will find a treasure trove of pictures to satisfy all of your geek babe chain mail needs if she accepts your request.

carla gugino bra size
I'm going to go with "freakin' huge."

brutal dilton
Uhh...?

snickers bar machine produsing
Is this a request for something you'd like to see on How It's Made?

direcpath reviews
Here's a very succinct one: they suck ass.

lena alexander boobs
Who's Lena Alexander?

ceramic tile moose
I see your ceramic tile moose and raise you a Naugahyde swatch caribou.

And that's it for the more noteworthy searches. The rest are mostly variations on the main themes.

Keyword Klearinghouse

So I thought I'd take another look at the keywords that have been the primary drivers of what I laughingly call traffic to this blog.
There are, of course, the usual suspects: Bikini Cavegirl/Teenage Cavegirl, Carla Gugino's/Giada de Laurentis'/Monica Keena's/Insert Female Celebrity Name Here's bra/cup size, various other queries related to Giada, such as her height and whether or not she's a dwarf, whether or not she's pregnant, and searches for naked/bikini pictures of her. There are some people who are specifically looking for her nipples. I'm not sure if they just want close-up pictures of her nipples, pictures in which her nipples are visible, or if they're attempting to physically locate her actual nipples, as if there is some sort of GNPS (Giada Nipple Positioning System) site that lets you know where Giada's nipples are at any given time. Then again, maybe people are wondering if Giada even has nipples at all. It seems likely that she does, but I guess you can't take anything for granted.
A good percentage of traffic is coming from people looking for information about Ginger Alexander and Richard Davis of the recently renamed TLC series The Real Estate Pros (Formerly The Real Deal; not sure what necessitated the name change, though the new tagline on the commercials is "When it comes to real estate, Richard Davis is the real deal.").
Many of these seekers of wisdom are, in fact, seekers of boobs - sorry, I'm fresh out of Ginger Alexander's boobs. Try back next month; I may get a new shipment.
I would suggest that those of you attempting to find Ginger Alexander's MySpace page - if one exists - that you might want to go to, oh, I don't know, maybe MySpace.com to look for it.
Some want to know if Ginger is dating in general, while others want to know if she's dating Richard specifically.
As I have absolutely no basis for saying it, therefore I will not say that yes, Ginger and Richard are "dating," if that's what you want to call Ginger giving him hand jobs in the rest rooms at home improvement stores dating.
And no, I don't have any idea what Ginger's bra size is and wouldn't even want to hazard a guess because I have no skill whatsoever at estimating that sort of thing, as I can't see any reason whatsoever to want to know what someone's bra size is unless you're planning to buy her a bra as a gift or something, and if that is what you are planning, let me just stop you right there and say that sending lingerie to some woman you've never met, but have seen on TV and with whom you feel you've established some deep connection via the TV, is probably not the best way to make a positive first impression. I know, I know, it seems like it would be the perfect gift, but some women just get freaked out by complete strangers sending them undergarments, especially when accompanied with some ominous note about how you'll see her wearing them "soon." They also tend to react negatively to pictures of them that you've taken through their bedroom windows while they're sleeping, even though going to her house in the middle of the night like that shows that you're serious enough to not let a little thing like a restraining order stand between you and true love. Pfft, women. Am I right?
Anyway, I'm really not your best source for all things Ginger, so keep looking elsewhere.
One new Keyword Kontender has been the search string selecca connie naked.
I don't have too much to say about this one, but I would refer you to her body of work, and mention that she has been married to John Tesh for over fifteen years, and then let you decide for yourself what that says about the chances that she has ever appeared nude in any fashion that you will benefit (?) from.
Oh, and I have no pictures of Tanya Memme in a bikini/nude available for you. Pictures of her in a bikini do exist, but you're not going to find them here. As for the nudes, I will say that it seems unlikely, but you never know, I guess. What I do know is that I haven't seen them, but then, I haven't been engaged in dogged pursuit of them like some of you out there. Still, I would say that a Google Image Search is your best bet to find pictures of her.

Seek And...Oh, You Know

The Vaudeville birds were back this morning, practicing their act at 6:30.
I just don’t understand the motivation of animals like that. I mean, why do you need to park your ass in a tree and chirp loudly in sync with another bird who’s parked his ass in the same damn tree?
Then again, there are plenty of people who get home late at night and decide that rather than going inside and sitting down and getting comfortable they should stay out in the parking lot and stand next to the car and talk to each other at ridiculous volumes.
And people are animals (Believe what you want, but there’s just no way around it. Watch animals, then watch people. Same damn thing.), so maybe there’s just a certain level of retardation that entered development early on and we’ve never been able to evolve past it.
Either that or birds, like people, are just thoughtless dicks.
Most of the time I drink water, but I do like some flavor every now and then. Except on weekends, and sometimes if I’m eating out, I try to avoid caffeine, so that means that I tend to go with things like Sprite or various non-caffeinated types of root beer.
When I went shopping yesterday I picked up a couple of two liter bottles of root beer, and after I’d eaten dinner (a salad, Roman-style chicken, garlic and olive oil-flavored couscous, and garlic breadsticks), it occurred to me that a root beer float would be a good dessert.
The only problem was that, while I had root beer, I had no ice cream, and of course I wasn’t about to venture out into the world at that time of day to pick any up.
Still, the thought persisted, and so I went out this morning to pick up some ice cream, which I did.
Of course, I neglected to get straws, which I realized shortly after I got home.
I decided that I’d take this an opportunity to go for a walk.
On Sunday, after I’d eaten my blunch I thought about going for a walk.
Two hours later, after I’d woken up from the nap that I took instead, I thought about it again, but never built up enough ambition.
And then there was yesterday.
So today I went for a walk and bought some straws, and tonight, after dinner (salad, steak prepared in some yet-to-be-determined fashion, and some kind of vegetables), I’ll have a root beer float.
And then I’ll say, “Why was I so obsessed with having a root beer float? I mean, they’re okay, I guess, but they’re nothing to write home – or a blog entry – about.”
Speaking of worthless blog entries, I’ve noticed that my traffic of late is way down.
It was never all that high to begin with, but lately it’s at much lower levels.
I think that part of that is because people are actually starting to read the search results before just blindly clicking on the link and are realizing that they will not find general celebrity bra sizes, Carla Gugino’s bra size, Monica Keena’s bra size, Giada De Laurentis’ bra size, or Giada’s height here, and that they will not learn whether or not Giada is pregnant.
They also won’t find information about Bikini Cavegirl AKA Teenage Cavegirl (beyond the fact that it sucks), a list of the cast of Bikini Cavegirl AKA Teenage Cavegirl, a free download of Bikini Cavegirl AKA Teenage Cavegirl, or anything even remotely related to Bikini Cavegirl AKA Teenage Cavegirl.
And they especially won’t find spf factor nipple clamps, whatever they are.
(Unless they look really closely.)
Of the traffic I do still get, most of it is Giada-related. If they’re not looking to find nude pictures of her (good luck with that), they are, of course, wondering if she’s knocked up and just how tall she is.
For the sheer hell of it, I will answer those questions once again.
Yes, Giada De Laurentis is pregnant, no matter when you’re reading this. Six months from now? Pregnant. A year from now? Pregnant.
How tall is Giada De Laurentis? I once stated that, like all Italians, she is, in fact, a dwarf, and listed her height as 36 inches.
I was incorrect. She is actually 2 feet 9 inches tall.
Oh, and if you want to know Giada’s bra size, it is 38 DD, which is obviously an uncomfortable burden for someone of her diminutive height.
Much of that, of course, is due to the fact that she is lactating because she’s pregnant.
Other common searches – especially on Saturdays, when her show is on – are related to TV personality and former Miss Canada, Tanya Memme.
I don’t have any pictures of her here.
If you do a Google Image Search, you’ll see that there just aren’t many pictures of her to be had. Nothing I can do about that.
You can go to her Web site and check out the few pictures she has there, but you’re not going to find the kind of pictures you’re actually looking for. Remember, just because she’s on TV that doesn’t necessarily mean that there are nude pictures of her in existence And even if they are in existence, that doesn’t mean they’re available on the Web. Besides, even if they are in existence and suddenly do become available on the Web, they still won’t be posted here because that’s not the sort of thing I do.
And you clearly aren’t interested in the things that I actually do, so good luck with your Tanya Memme nude pics searches.
There.
If we assume the “actually reading the results” trend continues, that should pretty much put an end to all of the traffic I receive via search engines.
Smart move on my part.
Oh well.

Here You Go

For all of you obsessive weirdoes seekers of cup size wisdom, you can find a list of celebrity bra sizes that looks to have been compiled - or at least updated - sometime after 1994, and is not just a recycled list pulled off of Usenet or some old BBS, here.
It does not list some of the more contemporary celebrities like Jessica Alba or Jessica Biel, and certainly doesn't list Giada, and who knows how or where the information came from or how accurate it is, but you're the pervert inquisitive fan who wants to know, so I'll leave it up to you to judge for yourself.
So there you go.

Wait, That Blog Says She's An A Cup! Why, Her Boobs Aren't Big At All! Damn These Lying Eyes!

First off, happy National Gorilla Suit Day!
Secondly, I have to admit that in yesterday’s post I was a bit less than honest.
After all, for me, a day in which I get a haircut and make meat loaf is actually pretty amazingly eventful.
What makes it worse is that I also made biscuits and gravy for breakfast/lunch, which makes for a phenomenally eventful day in the life of Jon.
(By the way, someone should come up with a word for breakfast/lunch, something that demonstrates that it’s not quite breakfast, not quite lunch…hmm…br…bru…got it! Blunch! Or, if you want to get all hip hop, you could day b-lunch, like, “What’s for b-lunch, b-yotch?” Perfect. What’s that? Oh, right, “brunch.” Never mind.)
The point is that despite what I claimed, yesterday really wasn’t any less eventful than my standard non-eventful days; I just didn’t feel like writing much of a post.
I had no random complaints that I really felt like getting off my chest, no “witty” observations, no desire to write an entry mentioning Giada’s boobs or something that would lure unsuspecting people wanting to learn Carla Gugino’s bra size pointlessly here.
I really shouldn’t make fun of the boob and bra size seekers, though I do have to ask a question, which I know none of the people who could answer will, since they only stick around long enough to see that they aren’t going to find any pictures of Giada’s boobs or learn anyone’s bra size, about why people want to know bra sizes anyway.
Honestly, why do you want to know? What will you gain from the knowledge? Is it a matter of wanting your masturbatory fantasies to be as specific and accurate as possible? Are you planning on designing clothes for them?
What sort of edification do you gain from knowing a celebrity's cup size? I mean, “freaking huge” or “tiny and cute” aren’t specific enough for you? Is it like, “Hmm, I thought her boobs were big, but I couldn’t be sure just by looking at them.”
And beyond your need to know, what makes you think you’re going to find out?
For the most part, the only celebrities who provide their bra sizes are Playboy Playmates and the like. Most actresses don’t really publicize that sort of thing.
Still, I really shouldn’t be picking on the seekers of knowledge, the seekers of boobs, and the seekers of knowledge about boobs whose quests unwittingly guide them here for a 0-5 second stay.
After all, if it weren’t for the people who click on the links that pop up in search engine results even though if they looked at the text of the results they’d clearly see that they’re not going to find what they’re looking for, I would hardly have any traffic at all, just the meager handful, the B cup’s worth, if you will, of regular visitors.
Me complaining about the misguided visitors I get is like when D.R.I. would sing those songs about what a hassle it is to be famous.
Right now you’re saying, “D.R.I.? Who the hell is D.R.I.?”
To which I respond, “Exactly.”
(For the record, D.R.I., or “Dirty Rotten Imbeciles,” was a punk band that crossed over to thrash metal. Sort of like Sean Astin in Rudy, who made up for what he lacked in height with spirit, D.R.I. made up for what they lacked in talent with enthusiasm. I loved those guys, and listening to them still makes me smile. I didn’t always agree with their opinions – the song Gun Control comes to mind – but who could resist the hard, fast, and heavy sound mixed with inspired lyrics, coming together to form short, punch little ditties that seldom lasted for more than a minute?
One of my favorites is Dead in a Ditch:

Pretty young girl from the Oakland Hills
Stole her dad’s car and all her mom’s pills
Got all fucked up, drove off a cliff
Ended up dead, dead in a ditch
Just like her mother always told her she’d end up
All fucked up
Dead
Dead in a ditch

They often turned their attention to a variety issues, such as drug abuse, AIDS, child abduction, war, and pollution, but they also liked to cut loose and just have some fun every so often.
One of the other things I liked about them is their appreciation for the work of ee cummings, who is one of my favorite poets.
Anyway, that’s it for this little D.R.I. retrospective. We now return you to your regularly scheduled Threshold, already in progress.)
..to which I said, “No way. You’re the one who wanted to have hookers over in the first place, so you’re the one who’s going to have to deal with getting rid of the bodies.”
Anyway, today the only thing I have on tap is a trip back to the car dealership for Emission Inspection version 2.0.
Hopefully the 100+ miles I’ve put on is sufficient to give them what they need.
Other than that I’m waiting on a phone call that I also spent most of yesterday waiting on, before finally getting a call at the end of the day asking if it’d be okay if we postponed the call until today.
Yes, I’m being vague.
Basically, there is the possibility of me getting a part-time job. I’ll give you more details as things develop.
Anyway, I’ve been more than wordy enough today to make up for yesterday’s terseness, so I guess I’ll bring this entry to a close.

Okay, That Size I CAN Give You

For all of you weirdoes film memorabilia collectors out there, it is possible to purchase the bra that Jessica Alba wore in the movie Sin City.
Despite the fact that I love Sin City and the fact that Jessica Alba is undeniably hot, I will not be bidding.
Why? Well, I have no interest in owning used women's clothing* for one thing (especially when the current bid is over $300), and for another, to be true to the comics, she shouldn't have been wearing a bra anyway.
But for you size-seekers out there, according to the article, her bra sizes is 34B, so that's one celebrity bra size I can provide. Don't come around looking for others, and don't blame me if that's not the correct size.

*I'm not big on owning new women's clothing either. Just thought I should point that out.

OAQ (Occasionally Asked Questions) or Seek And Ye Shall NOT Find

I don’t intend this to come off as bragging, but I know a lot of stuff.
After all, I’ve been on this planet for over 34 years and throughout most of that time I’ve had a habit of collecting bits of abstract information and stuffing them into my brain. Sometimes actively and deliberately, other times passively and unintentionally.
Beyond all of the information I have “on hand,” I’m also pretty skilled at finding stuff out through a variety of methods, though I must admit that these days I seldom make use of methods that don’t involve the Internet.
So the point is that I know a lot of stuff and what I don’t know I can generally find out.
Of course, there is infinitely more stuff out there that I don’t know, and much of it is impossible to discover through the means available to me, and even more of it I simply do not care enough to try to find out.
This post is about some of that stuff.
As I’ve mentioned many times before, among other things the traffic counting software I use here allows me to see what search engines, if applicable, referred people here, and exactly what they were searching for.
I begin to notice certain trends pretty quickly, such as the people who come here looking for information on a certain shitty soft-core porn movie involving prehistory, and I become conscious of how people are wasting their time coming here, as I don’t have the information they’re looking for and in a lot of cases I don’t even know where they can find it.
Based on some of the top traffic generators, I thought I would compile a list of things I don’t know anything about that people come here looking to learn about in the hopes that the text stating that “I don’t know the answer to your question about this” will come up in the search results.
In some cases, though, I will at least try to point people in the right direction.
Okay, first up, naturally, is Bikini Cavegirl, which is also known as Teenage Cavegirl.
I do not know – or care – whether or not the people in the movie were actually having sex. I don’t know anything about the personal lives of any of the actors or actresses, there are no pictures of any of them here, and you cannot download the movie from this site. If you really need information about it, though I cannot imagine why you would, look it up on IMDb or Wikipedia. If you want to download the movie illegally, check out Usenet or any of the P2P stuff out there. If you want to buy the movie, go to a site that sells movies.
All of that being said, it’s not a good movie even by shitty soft-core porn movie standards. The women in it aren’t really that hot and the story and acting are sub-Ed Wood level. It’s just that bad and is not worth wasting your time trying to find information on it or to purchase or download it.
Okay, next up, I don’t know if Giada De Laurentis is pregnant. Months ago I made a reference to the fact that she appeared to be wearing a maternity outfit on one episode of Everyday Italian that I watched. That’s the extent of what I know. This is not a celebrity gossip blog; I’m not likely to have that sort of information here and I’m not going to try to find it for you.
In a similar vein, I do not know the bra sizes of any celebrity. I get a lot of hits from people looking for this. Most commonly – because I do mention her, though not her bra size, which I imagine is substantial, frequently – I get hits from people looking for Carla Gugino’s. As I stated, because I don’t know any celebrity’s, I don’t know what Carla Gugino’s bra size is.
Similarly, I don’t know what Monica Keena’s bra size is either.
Sometimes IMDb biographies will list them (citing Celebrity Sleuth as a source), but not often. I don’t know where you can find this information otherwise. There is a site that has a list of sizes, but it is, apparently (per the discussion on Digg), inaccurate, and like many things on the Web has not been updated since 1995 (it probably was created on a BBS or something and simply migrated to the Web unchanged) and does not, consequently, list anyone who came into prominence since then, so I’m not going to bother posting the URL.
I can’t see any reason why anyone would need to know this, therefore I have no idea what kind of salary beer spokesmodels make. I wouldn’t even know where to look for information like that. I can tell you where not to look, though: here.
Again, because I don’t do celebrity gossip – or New Age mysticism – I can’t even tell you why someone would do a search for “Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and Cosmic Energy,“ let alone provide any information about it.
So in summary, all you need to know about Bikini Cavegirl is that it’s a shitty movie, I don’t have any celebrity gossip (or bra sizes), and I’m not a beer spokesmodel salary expert.
I don’t want you to think that I’m judging you based on the kind of stuff you’re searching for (even though I’m totally judging you based on the kind of stuff you’re searching for), but I do want to make it clear that for anything other than me spouting off about whatever comes to mind with no real guiding theme, or the occasional bit of artwork, you really need to search elsewhere to find it.