Search Stings

It's time once again to look at some of the search strings responsible for generating what I laughingly refer to as "traffic" to this blog:

macho comic tract buy online jack chick
I'm not sure exactly what's being sought out here, but if I had to guess, I'd say it's a tract called The Sissy? Like any tract that's still in print, it can be purchased directly from the Chick Publications Web site.
(I just love how over-the-top macho Duke, the truck driver who thinks Jesus is a sissy, is in the opening panels. The guy's hairier than Wolverine [or Robin Williams for non-comics readers], and looks like he sweats pure testosterone. As the tract progresses, though, he definitely deflates, and ends up looking more like Harvey Pekar. Bonus: check out the great reaction shots of the waitress.)

satellite tv goes out each time it rains
Yes, I'm rather afraid that it does.

assorted giada-related searches, mostly involving her height and/or bra size
Interestingly, one of the searches was for a "giada t-shirt." That was a new one on me. As an aside, a couple of weeks ago I was flipping through the channels and as I was going past E!, I saw Giada, with a voiceover saying "...in her trademark low-cut tops." Then they started talking about someone from another Food Network show. Looks to have been a countdown of Food Network Babes or something, as there was definite focus on looks and décolletage.

geek babe chainmail
If you go to my MySpace page, click on Wendy from my list of friends, and send her a friend request, you will find a treasure trove of pictures to satisfy all of your geek babe chain mail needs if she accepts your request.

carla gugino bra size
I'm going to go with "freakin' huge."

brutal dilton
Uhh...?

snickers bar machine produsing
Is this a request for something you'd like to see on How It's Made?

direcpath reviews
Here's a very succinct one: they suck ass.

lena alexander boobs
Who's Lena Alexander?

ceramic tile moose
I see your ceramic tile moose and raise you a Naugahyde swatch caribou.

And that's it for the more noteworthy searches. The rest are mostly variations on the main themes.

Keyword Klearinghouse

So I thought I'd take another look at the keywords that have been the primary drivers of what I laughingly call traffic to this blog.
There are, of course, the usual suspects: Bikini Cavegirl/Teenage Cavegirl, Carla Gugino's/Giada de Laurentis'/Monica Keena's/Insert Female Celebrity Name Here's bra/cup size, various other queries related to Giada, such as her height and whether or not she's a dwarf, whether or not she's pregnant, and searches for naked/bikini pictures of her. There are some people who are specifically looking for her nipples. I'm not sure if they just want close-up pictures of her nipples, pictures in which her nipples are visible, or if they're attempting to physically locate her actual nipples, as if there is some sort of GNPS (Giada Nipple Positioning System) site that lets you know where Giada's nipples are at any given time. Then again, maybe people are wondering if Giada even has nipples at all. It seems likely that she does, but I guess you can't take anything for granted.
A good percentage of traffic is coming from people looking for information about Ginger Alexander and Richard Davis of the recently renamed TLC series The Real Estate Pros (Formerly The Real Deal; not sure what necessitated the name change, though the new tagline on the commercials is "When it comes to real estate, Richard Davis is the real deal.").
Many of these seekers of wisdom are, in fact, seekers of boobs - sorry, I'm fresh out of Ginger Alexander's boobs. Try back next month; I may get a new shipment.
I would suggest that those of you attempting to find Ginger Alexander's MySpace page - if one exists - that you might want to go to, oh, I don't know, maybe MySpace.com to look for it.
Some want to know if Ginger is dating in general, while others want to know if she's dating Richard specifically.
As I have absolutely no basis for saying it, therefore I will not say that yes, Ginger and Richard are "dating," if that's what you want to call Ginger giving him hand jobs in the rest rooms at home improvement stores dating.
And no, I don't have any idea what Ginger's bra size is and wouldn't even want to hazard a guess because I have no skill whatsoever at estimating that sort of thing, as I can't see any reason whatsoever to want to know what someone's bra size is unless you're planning to buy her a bra as a gift or something, and if that is what you are planning, let me just stop you right there and say that sending lingerie to some woman you've never met, but have seen on TV and with whom you feel you've established some deep connection via the TV, is probably not the best way to make a positive first impression. I know, I know, it seems like it would be the perfect gift, but some women just get freaked out by complete strangers sending them undergarments, especially when accompanied with some ominous note about how you'll see her wearing them "soon." They also tend to react negatively to pictures of them that you've taken through their bedroom windows while they're sleeping, even though going to her house in the middle of the night like that shows that you're serious enough to not let a little thing like a restraining order stand between you and true love. Pfft, women. Am I right?
Anyway, I'm really not your best source for all things Ginger, so keep looking elsewhere.
One new Keyword Kontender has been the search string selecca connie naked.
I don't have too much to say about this one, but I would refer you to her body of work, and mention that she has been married to John Tesh for over fifteen years, and then let you decide for yourself what that says about the chances that she has ever appeared nude in any fashion that you will benefit (?) from.
Oh, and I have no pictures of Tanya Memme in a bikini/nude available for you. Pictures of her in a bikini do exist, but you're not going to find them here. As for the nudes, I will say that it seems unlikely, but you never know, I guess. What I do know is that I haven't seen them, but then, I haven't been engaged in dogged pursuit of them like some of you out there. Still, I would say that a Google Image Search is your best bet to find pictures of her.

Seek And...Oh, You Know

The Vaudeville birds were back this morning, practicing their act at 6:30.
I just don’t understand the motivation of animals like that. I mean, why do you need to park your ass in a tree and chirp loudly in sync with another bird who’s parked his ass in the same damn tree?
Then again, there are plenty of people who get home late at night and decide that rather than going inside and sitting down and getting comfortable they should stay out in the parking lot and stand next to the car and talk to each other at ridiculous volumes.
And people are animals (Believe what you want, but there’s just no way around it. Watch animals, then watch people. Same damn thing.), so maybe there’s just a certain level of retardation that entered development early on and we’ve never been able to evolve past it.
Either that or birds, like people, are just thoughtless dicks.
Most of the time I drink water, but I do like some flavor every now and then. Except on weekends, and sometimes if I’m eating out, I try to avoid caffeine, so that means that I tend to go with things like Sprite or various non-caffeinated types of root beer.
When I went shopping yesterday I picked up a couple of two liter bottles of root beer, and after I’d eaten dinner (a salad, Roman-style chicken, garlic and olive oil-flavored couscous, and garlic breadsticks), it occurred to me that a root beer float would be a good dessert.
The only problem was that, while I had root beer, I had no ice cream, and of course I wasn’t about to venture out into the world at that time of day to pick any up.
Still, the thought persisted, and so I went out this morning to pick up some ice cream, which I did.
Of course, I neglected to get straws, which I realized shortly after I got home.
I decided that I’d take this an opportunity to go for a walk.
On Sunday, after I’d eaten my blunch I thought about going for a walk.
Two hours later, after I’d woken up from the nap that I took instead, I thought about it again, but never built up enough ambition.
And then there was yesterday.
So today I went for a walk and bought some straws, and tonight, after dinner (salad, steak prepared in some yet-to-be-determined fashion, and some kind of vegetables), I’ll have a root beer float.
And then I’ll say, “Why was I so obsessed with having a root beer float? I mean, they’re okay, I guess, but they’re nothing to write home – or a blog entry – about.”
Speaking of worthless blog entries, I’ve noticed that my traffic of late is way down.
It was never all that high to begin with, but lately it’s at much lower levels.
I think that part of that is because people are actually starting to read the search results before just blindly clicking on the link and are realizing that they will not find general celebrity bra sizes, Carla Gugino’s bra size, Monica Keena’s bra size, Giada De Laurentis’ bra size, or Giada’s height here, and that they will not learn whether or not Giada is pregnant.
They also won’t find information about Bikini Cavegirl AKA Teenage Cavegirl (beyond the fact that it sucks), a list of the cast of Bikini Cavegirl AKA Teenage Cavegirl, a free download of Bikini Cavegirl AKA Teenage Cavegirl, or anything even remotely related to Bikini Cavegirl AKA Teenage Cavegirl.
And they especially won’t find spf factor nipple clamps, whatever they are.
(Unless they look really closely.)
Of the traffic I do still get, most of it is Giada-related. If they’re not looking to find nude pictures of her (good luck with that), they are, of course, wondering if she’s knocked up and just how tall she is.
For the sheer hell of it, I will answer those questions once again.
Yes, Giada De Laurentis is pregnant, no matter when you’re reading this. Six months from now? Pregnant. A year from now? Pregnant.
How tall is Giada De Laurentis? I once stated that, like all Italians, she is, in fact, a dwarf, and listed her height as 36 inches.
I was incorrect. She is actually 2 feet 9 inches tall.
Oh, and if you want to know Giada’s bra size, it is 38 DD, which is obviously an uncomfortable burden for someone of her diminutive height.
Much of that, of course, is due to the fact that she is lactating because she’s pregnant.
Other common searches – especially on Saturdays, when her show is on – are related to TV personality and former Miss Canada, Tanya Memme.
I don’t have any pictures of her here.
If you do a Google Image Search, you’ll see that there just aren’t many pictures of her to be had. Nothing I can do about that.
You can go to her Web site and check out the few pictures she has there, but you’re not going to find the kind of pictures you’re actually looking for. Remember, just because she’s on TV that doesn’t necessarily mean that there are nude pictures of her in existence And even if they are in existence, that doesn’t mean they’re available on the Web. Besides, even if they are in existence and suddenly do become available on the Web, they still won’t be posted here because that’s not the sort of thing I do.
And you clearly aren’t interested in the things that I actually do, so good luck with your Tanya Memme nude pics searches.
There.
If we assume the “actually reading the results” trend continues, that should pretty much put an end to all of the traffic I receive via search engines.
Smart move on my part.
Oh well.

Crazy Hot Italian Picture

At long last I've gotten around to doing a picture of the Crazy Hot Italian Chick herself, Giada De Laurentis.



Okay, so she's not in a bra/bikini, or nude, as most of the picture-seekrs would like (Hey, it's not like I would mind either), but I think it's a good representative image of her, what with the crazed, too-wide smile. Seriously, sometimes she looks like she's been a victim of the Joker's toxic "laughing gas."
Still, despite the crazed look with the too-wide smile, her tendency to over-Italianize her pronunciation of words, the way, as B-Side over at TVGasm (do a search for "Giada" to find his various entries on her) suggested, she looks as though she's biting into a triple-decker sandwich no matter how small the morsel she's eating actually is, and that all-too Italian shnozz, she is undeniably hot, and is worth of portraiture.
That's kind of tricky, though, as there really aren't a lot of pictures of her out there (whether of the nude/bra/bikini variety or not), so I don't have much source material. I guess I could sift through my copies of her cookbooks to see what I can find.
Oh, and there is an inaccuracy in this picture in that she doesn't appear to be pregnant, though I did put her in the proper scale.
Okay, all smart ass remarks aside, people, I seriously don't know if is now or has ever been pregnant. I also know that she is not a dwarf, but what I don't know is why so many of you are wondering whether or not she is. If you did end up here on a "giada dwarf?" kind of search, please, please, PLEASE leave a comment explaining why you were ever wondering that in the first place. It'll only take a couple of minutes of your valuable dwarf porn searching time to leave a note saying something like, "This boy at my school told me she's a dwarf," or whatever. I just want to know why. Is that so much to ask?
The only explanation I've been able to come up with is that her head is, apparently, fairly large. That's what I've seen other people saying, at any rate, though I've never really noticed, as I've always been too distracted by the psychotic gleam in her eyes and the seemingly imminent threat of being bitten. I think it's more a matter of her neck being really skinny, but whatever.
Oh, and on an equally amusing note, someone else came here the other day searching for pictures of Giada from "before her nose job."
If that nose she's sporting now is an "after," I damn sure don't want to see the "before."

Giada: The Crazy Hot Italian Truth At Last!

Another long three days of work is behind me and I prepare to face four short days of not much of anything. Actually, I’m well into the facing of the nothing.
I do have chiropractor appointments this week, of course, and a team meeting lunch on Tuesday, but beyond that not much will be going on, though I should finally get around to getting an oil change. I also have to get the stupid state emission inspection, as it’s nearly time to renew my registration.
But that’s pretty much it in the way of excitement for the days ahead.
As usual, I’m not complaining about the lack of excitement, really. Not especially sure I’d want any, as it would probably involve people and they’d be getting in my way and yammering on in their irritating voices about random nonsense that I can’t even bring myself to pretend to give a shit about, and smelling bad and just generally annoying the hell out of me.
So I’m not complaining so much as I’m simply making an observation.
Speaking of observing, I’ve noticed a huge surge in traffic generated from Giada De Laurentis-related searches. Most of them are people wanting to know if she’s pregnant, an inexplicable number of them want to know if she’s a dwarf, and the rest want to know her bra size and/or see pictures of her said bra or at least a bikini.
While I’ll leave it up to them to find any such pictures that may – but probably don’t – exist for themselves, I will finally break my silence and tell you all the truth about what I know about the other items.
First off, yes, Giada is pregnant. She’s always pregnant. She’s been pregnant since puberty and will remain so until menopause. She has a rare medical condition called pregnantitus perpetualis which results in her being about three months’ pregnant at all times. This is how it can be that when you see an episode of her show filmed a year ago in which she appeared to be wearing a maternity outfit she can still be pregnant now.
The obvious question is, “When is the baby due?” As Giada is currently in her mid-thirties, I’d say anywhere from 10 to 15 years from now.
Next up, I will confirm what you eagle-eyed viewers have long suspected: Giada is a dwarf.
She’s spent her entire life keeping this a secret, only appearing in public in the presence of other dwarves so as to create the illusion of normal height, and Food Network has gone to great expense to build a kitchen set for her show that is in proportion to her height (which is actually 3’6”), making her appear to be a person of normal height. They also make use of proportionately-sized utensils and food items (I knew a guy who worked on the show. It was his job to trim cutlets of veal and other meats down to the correct size. He was fired for flubbing it with a rack of ribs on an episode that aired in the second season, an episode which has since been “lost,” and is referred to as the “Flintstones Incident,” given the uncanny similarity between the events of the show and the scene when Fred orders a rack of Brontosaurus ribs at the drive-up restaurant which cause his car to get tipped over.), and any exterior shots in which she is seen shopping or with friends are done using the kind of camera angles and forced perspective shots used to make the Hobbits appear so small in the Lord of the Rings movies.
On the special in which she traveled to Italy and visited may different locations it was impossible for Food Network to use their standard trickery. Fortunately, and here’s the big secret, everyone in Italy is also a dwarf.
That’s the only explanation for how she could be standing side-by-side with those people at the Barilla factory without appearing substantially shorter than them, and, in fact, actually appearing taller than some.
Also, when she was at that cheese place, that “huge” wheel of cheese was really only about the diameter of a basketball, and not even a regulation one at that.
So there you have it. Giada De Laurentis pregnant? Yes, always. Giada De Laurentis a dwarf? Yes, along with every other Italian person in the world.
As for her bra size, that’s a bit trickier to answer, as she is a dwarf who has all of the proportions of a normal-sized person, so while her breasts may appear to fall into normal size categories, they are actually too small to even be considered an A.
I guess I should apologize for keeping this a secret for so long by lying and saying that I didn’t know if she was pregnant and claiming that she was not a dwarf, but I have to say that it feels good to finally break free from the confines of the conspiracy and let the truth be known.
Also, I apologize for my use of politically incorrect terms. I suppose I should have said, “little person” and avoided referring to people as being “normal,” but what’s important is that the truth is finally out there.
And now that you know, don’t you feel better?