Sunday, January 14, 2007

Giada: The Crazy Hot Italian Truth At Last!

Another long three days of work is behind me and I prepare to face four short days of not much of anything. Actually, I’m well into the facing of the nothing.
I do have chiropractor appointments this week, of course, and a team meeting lunch on Tuesday, but beyond that not much will be going on, though I should finally get around to getting an oil change. I also have to get the stupid state emission inspection, as it’s nearly time to renew my registration.
But that’s pretty much it in the way of excitement for the days ahead.
As usual, I’m not complaining about the lack of excitement, really. Not especially sure I’d want any, as it would probably involve people and they’d be getting in my way and yammering on in their irritating voices about random nonsense that I can’t even bring myself to pretend to give a shit about, and smelling bad and just generally annoying the hell out of me.
So I’m not complaining so much as I’m simply making an observation.
Speaking of observing, I’ve noticed a huge surge in traffic generated from Giada De Laurentis-related searches. Most of them are people wanting to know if she’s pregnant, an inexplicable number of them want to know if she’s a dwarf, and the rest want to know her bra size and/or see pictures of her said bra or at least a bikini.
While I’ll leave it up to them to find any such pictures that may – but probably don’t – exist for themselves, I will finally break my silence and tell you all the truth about what I know about the other items.
First off, yes, Giada is pregnant. She’s always pregnant. She’s been pregnant since puberty and will remain so until menopause. She has a rare medical condition called pregnantitus perpetualis which results in her being about three months’ pregnant at all times. This is how it can be that when you see an episode of her show filmed a year ago in which she appeared to be wearing a maternity outfit she can still be pregnant now.
The obvious question is, “When is the baby due?” As Giada is currently in her mid-thirties, I’d say anywhere from 10 to 15 years from now.
Next up, I will confirm what you eagle-eyed viewers have long suspected: Giada is a dwarf.
She’s spent her entire life keeping this a secret, only appearing in public in the presence of other dwarves so as to create the illusion of normal height, and Food Network has gone to great expense to build a kitchen set for her show that is in proportion to her height (which is actually 3’6”), making her appear to be a person of normal height. They also make use of proportionately-sized utensils and food items (I knew a guy who worked on the show. It was his job to trim cutlets of veal and other meats down to the correct size. He was fired for flubbing it with a rack of ribs on an episode that aired in the second season, an episode which has since been “lost,” and is referred to as the “Flintstones Incident,” given the uncanny similarity between the events of the show and the scene when Fred orders a rack of Brontosaurus ribs at the drive-up restaurant which cause his car to get tipped over.), and any exterior shots in which she is seen shopping or with friends are done using the kind of camera angles and forced perspective shots used to make the Hobbits appear so small in the Lord of the Rings movies.
On the special in which she traveled to Italy and visited may different locations it was impossible for Food Network to use their standard trickery. Fortunately, and here’s the big secret, everyone in Italy is also a dwarf.
That’s the only explanation for how she could be standing side-by-side with those people at the Barilla factory without appearing substantially shorter than them, and, in fact, actually appearing taller than some.
Also, when she was at that cheese place, that “huge” wheel of cheese was really only about the diameter of a basketball, and not even a regulation one at that.
So there you have it. Giada De Laurentis pregnant? Yes, always. Giada De Laurentis a dwarf? Yes, along with every other Italian person in the world.
As for her bra size, that’s a bit trickier to answer, as she is a dwarf who has all of the proportions of a normal-sized person, so while her breasts may appear to fall into normal size categories, they are actually too small to even be considered an A.
I guess I should apologize for keeping this a secret for so long by lying and saying that I didn’t know if she was pregnant and claiming that she was not a dwarf, but I have to say that it feels good to finally break free from the confines of the conspiracy and let the truth be known.
Also, I apologize for my use of politically incorrect terms. I suppose I should have said, “little person” and avoided referring to people as being “normal,” but what’s important is that the truth is finally out there.
And now that you know, don’t you feel better?


Merlin T Wizard said...

Holy crap, that was hilarious! Thanks for the laugh today, Jon.

Nancy Hansen said...

This was hysterical. Thank you!!!