For You Cavegirl Fans

For those of you who come here seeking all things related to the appallingly bad "erotic" comedy/soft-core porn movie known alternatively as Bikini Cavegirl or Teenage Cavegirl, go here. This NSFW site should meet all of your cavegirl needs in ways that this blog can't, and, more importantly, won't.

A Couple Of Things

You may (or may not) have noticed a new link over on the right to a site called Dave's Long Box.
What is this site, you ask? It's a comics-related blog run by a guy named Dave Campbell who boldly states, "I'm going to review my comic book collection and you're going to like it."
And I do like it. Reading his reviews is a great way for any comics fan to pass the time. Be prepared to laugh your geeky ass off.
I've noticed a few people coming here on Teenage/Bikini Cavegirl searches who are specifically looking to find the next time it will air on HBO or Cinemax.
That brings me to Jon's Tip Of The Day: go to freakin' IMDb! Listings for movies and TV shows now include when/where it will be airing.
(For the record, the next US airing is Monday, March 5, 2007, at 12:40 AM on Cinemax. Happy? Wouldn't you feel better if you'd found that out for yourself? Well, I don't care if you would or not: next time find it your damn self.)
One other thing about IMDb? Sometimes - but only sometimes, and mostly only in the case of Playboy/Penthouse models and pornstars - the biographies for actresses include their bra sizes (or at least what someone, who may or may not actually know, says their bra sizes are).
For those wondering, for the picture I posted the other day I used a screen capture of actress Monique Parent/Scarlett Johansing /Scarlet Johansing /Scarlet Johanssing /Marnay Miranda, most known for being credited by many names and for appearing in late-night Cinemax soft-core porn fare.
When it comes to soft-core porn she's what you'd call "prolific." Not sure why she settled on the various versions of Scarlet Johanwhatever, as she first started using the name well before Scarlett Johansson became a big name.
Anyway, that covers the information I wanted to pass along.

The Giada And Tanya Show (With Special Guest Appearance By Carla's Bra!)

I thought it would be fun to show a breakdown of the search terms that bring people here, seeing as how you've all already seen the content that fails to keep them here once they arrive.
Anyway, click on the image below to see the Giada/Tanya/Bikini Cavegirl/Carla Gugino Bra Size-heavy results:

Equal Opportunity Post

Okay, for the nudity-impaired (those impaired in some way in their ability to view nudity, not impaired in their ability to be nude) among you, a quickly added bikini top gives you the opportunity to behold the mediocrity that is my art.
Behold.

Monokini Cavegirl

Okay, in response to the hits I get from people searching on the movie Bikini Cavegirl (AKA Teenage Cavegirl), I've done a few cavegirl pictures, though none of them have actually been related to the movie.
However, a bit ago I found a picture of actress Jezebelle Bond, who played Tahra, the titular - in more ways than one - cavegirl (whether it be Teenage or Bikini), dressed up in (part of) her costume from the movie and so I did a picture (using the line art/vector shading style) for those Cavegirl purists out there who want to see Jezebelle as Tahra getting the artistic treatment.
Be advised that she is topless in the picture, so keep that in mind before clicking on the link to this NSFW picture.
So there you go. I'm sure if you search Usenet or the torrents you'll find all kinds of pictures and videos of Jezebelle in even greater state of undress and engaging in all sorts of naughty behavior, but, once again, you won't find that here.
Oh, and on the topic of weird search strings, I've gotten enough people coming here on this one that I really need to know what's up with the whole "is Giada a dwarf?" thing.
WTF are you people looking for? Are you talking about some other Giada besides the Crazy Hot Italian Chick? If so, wouldn't it be rather easy to tell? I mean, sure, there's some sort of distinction between the different kinds of little people, but what does it matter to you if this other Giada is suffering from dwarfism versus cretinism?
Is there some weird rumor that's going around that they're using special effects to make her look like she isn't one on her show?
If you are talking about Giada De Laurentis, I can tell you from personal experience that she is actually a fairly tall woman, well over five feet and by no stretch (or compression) of the imagination could she be considered a dwarf, unless she's actually from a race of giants or something. Is that what the rumor is?
But I want to know what this is about. Is it a WoW/Everquest thing? Midget porn? What is the deal?
Seriously, if you are a person who came here to find out if Giada - whoever she may be - is a dwarf, please leave a comment explaining why you're trying to find that out. You can leave it anonymously, but please explain it to me.
(Oh, and I still don't know if she's pregnant.)

OAQ (Occasionally Asked Questions) or Seek And Ye Shall NOT Find

I don’t intend this to come off as bragging, but I know a lot of stuff.
After all, I’ve been on this planet for over 34 years and throughout most of that time I’ve had a habit of collecting bits of abstract information and stuffing them into my brain. Sometimes actively and deliberately, other times passively and unintentionally.
Beyond all of the information I have “on hand,” I’m also pretty skilled at finding stuff out through a variety of methods, though I must admit that these days I seldom make use of methods that don’t involve the Internet.
So the point is that I know a lot of stuff and what I don’t know I can generally find out.
Of course, there is infinitely more stuff out there that I don’t know, and much of it is impossible to discover through the means available to me, and even more of it I simply do not care enough to try to find out.
This post is about some of that stuff.
As I’ve mentioned many times before, among other things the traffic counting software I use here allows me to see what search engines, if applicable, referred people here, and exactly what they were searching for.
I begin to notice certain trends pretty quickly, such as the people who come here looking for information on a certain shitty soft-core porn movie involving prehistory, and I become conscious of how people are wasting their time coming here, as I don’t have the information they’re looking for and in a lot of cases I don’t even know where they can find it.
Based on some of the top traffic generators, I thought I would compile a list of things I don’t know anything about that people come here looking to learn about in the hopes that the text stating that “I don’t know the answer to your question about this” will come up in the search results.
In some cases, though, I will at least try to point people in the right direction.
Okay, first up, naturally, is Bikini Cavegirl, which is also known as Teenage Cavegirl.
I do not know – or care – whether or not the people in the movie were actually having sex. I don’t know anything about the personal lives of any of the actors or actresses, there are no pictures of any of them here, and you cannot download the movie from this site. If you really need information about it, though I cannot imagine why you would, look it up on IMDb or Wikipedia. If you want to download the movie illegally, check out Usenet or any of the P2P stuff out there. If you want to buy the movie, go to a site that sells movies.
All of that being said, it’s not a good movie even by shitty soft-core porn movie standards. The women in it aren’t really that hot and the story and acting are sub-Ed Wood level. It’s just that bad and is not worth wasting your time trying to find information on it or to purchase or download it.
Okay, next up, I don’t know if Giada De Laurentis is pregnant. Months ago I made a reference to the fact that she appeared to be wearing a maternity outfit on one episode of Everyday Italian that I watched. That’s the extent of what I know. This is not a celebrity gossip blog; I’m not likely to have that sort of information here and I’m not going to try to find it for you.
In a similar vein, I do not know the bra sizes of any celebrity. I get a lot of hits from people looking for this. Most commonly – because I do mention her, though not her bra size, which I imagine is substantial, frequently – I get hits from people looking for Carla Gugino’s. As I stated, because I don’t know any celebrity’s, I don’t know what Carla Gugino’s bra size is.
Similarly, I don’t know what Monica Keena’s bra size is either.
Sometimes IMDb biographies will list them (citing Celebrity Sleuth as a source), but not often. I don’t know where you can find this information otherwise. There is a site that has a list of sizes, but it is, apparently (per the discussion on Digg), inaccurate, and like many things on the Web has not been updated since 1995 (it probably was created on a BBS or something and simply migrated to the Web unchanged) and does not, consequently, list anyone who came into prominence since then, so I’m not going to bother posting the URL.
I can’t see any reason why anyone would need to know this, therefore I have no idea what kind of salary beer spokesmodels make. I wouldn’t even know where to look for information like that. I can tell you where not to look, though: here.
Again, because I don’t do celebrity gossip – or New Age mysticism – I can’t even tell you why someone would do a search for “Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and Cosmic Energy,“ let alone provide any information about it.
So in summary, all you need to know about Bikini Cavegirl is that it’s a shitty movie, I don’t have any celebrity gossip (or bra sizes), and I’m not a beer spokesmodel salary expert.
I don’t want you to think that I’m judging you based on the kind of stuff you’re searching for (even though I’m totally judging you based on the kind of stuff you’re searching for), but I do want to make it clear that for anything other than me spouting off about whatever comes to mind with no real guiding theme, or the occasional bit of artwork, you really need to search elsewhere to find it.