Taxonomy Department:Scott and I have decided that henceforth all movie sequels should follow this naming convention:
If it’s the first sequel, it must be subtitled “Electric Boogaloo.”
If it’s the second sequel (third movie in the series), the subtitle should be the title of the movie with an “ing” added to it.
Examples: “Taken 2: Electric Boogaloo” “Taken 3: The Takening.”
Moviemakers are free to subtitle any additional sequels however they see fit, because, frankly, who cares after that? By the time you hit the fourth movie it’s just a phoned-in money grab.
Additionally, subtitling the first sequel “The Wrath of [Title']” is also acceptable. (“Taken 2: The Wrath of Taken.”)
This why, even though it was a terrible movie, I want to see sequels for “The Happening,” so that we can see posters for “The Happening 2: Electric Boogaloo” and “The Happening 3: The Happeninging.”
In Case You Hadn’t Guessed Department:
Scott and I went to see “Taken 2.*” I never really tire of watching Liam Neeson kill people with ruthless efficiency.
Less Chat, More Bloodletting Department:Guy Drawing My Blood (GDMB): You ready for the weekend?
Me: Sure.
GDMB: Going to watch any games?
Me: No.
GDMB: Going to watch the debate tonight?
Me: Probably not. (Thinking) Stop trying to find common ground with me, hu-man.
Certifiably Professional Department:
Another week, another pointless professional certification: ITIL Intermediate Certificate in Service Transition.
If I collect eight more certifications I can…take another certification exam.
Sounds Like This Guy I Know Department:
(Former) Boss: He just thinks he’s smarter than everyone else.
Me: I know someone like that. In fact, I see him right now, standing there in that mirror in front of me.
Me: The difference is that the guy in the mirror actually is smarter than everyone else.
I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore Department:
As can be inferred by the Department above, I had a diabetes check up today.
It was kind of odd – and it feels odd to cite this as an example of it being odd – in that the doctor didn’t really do many of the things he usually does, like feel up my feet.
Normally he does that to test to see if there’s been any loss of sensitivity due to neuropathy. I kind of dislike it, particularly when he scrapes some sort metal implement along my soles to see if I react. Naturally, I do, as it’s uncomfortable. Beyond that, I’m just not particularly fond of having someone touch my feet.
He also taps a tuning fork and then presses that against my ankles and asks me to tell him when I feel the vibrations stop.
But he didn’t do any of that, and while I certainly didn’t miss it, it seemed odd that he didn’t do it for the first time in the two and a half years that I’ve been going in for check ups.
I suppose that, at this point, given my history, there’s not much need to be concerned about it. He said, “A lot of people would actually say you’re cured. I know better than to say that, because it can always pop up again, but you’re in very good shape right now.”
In any case, having fasted the night before, and being in Ashburn, due to a scheduling snafu, I decided to stop somewhere for breakfast/lunch.
There’s a Five Guys near the medical center, so I considered that, but I was in more of a breakfast mood, so I opted instead to stop at the nearby IHOP.
As I looked over some of the decadent menu items – French Toast drizzled with cinnamon roll glaze, for example – I found my eyes gravitating towards one of their healthier, lower-calorie breakfast items, which is what I actually ended up ordering.
As I told Scott, “I don’t know who I am anymore.”
But at least I had a side of bacon, so I’m not a total stranger to myself.
Bad News, Good(?) News Department:
The Bad News: While I was waiting for the doctor I read an article in a diabetes magazine that said that, thanks to having suffered from diabetes, the odds that I’ll develop some form of dementia when I get older are greatly increased.
The Good News: Thanks also to the diabetes, my heart will probably give out long before that happens.
*Electric Boogaloo.
Showing posts with label threshold departments. Show all posts
Showing posts with label threshold departments. Show all posts
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Wednesday Evening Departments
That's Nutty Department:
Boss: You want some? They're really good, and carb-neutral.
Me: No, thanks.
Boss: We bought a bunch of these when we went on our Cape Cod trip, and went through all of them in like a day.
Me: Huh.
Boss: Those girls can really take down some nuts!
Me: *Cough*
Boss: I know.
Cryptic Writings Department:
Text from my boss informing me that I'd been promoted:
Btw...THUNDERCATS ARE GO!!!!
(I knew what it meant)
Poker Face Department:
Contractor: So my interview went really well. I think I'll probably get the job.
Me: That's good.
Contractor: So let me ask you something...I get the impression that that group is looked down on by other groups because they're not all that technical.
Me: ...
Me: Hm.
Me: That's certainly...a perspective.
Contractor: Is that not the case?
Me: Well, let's just say that people rarely even consider that group's technical expertise and leave it at that.
A Hard Four Days' Night Department:
From Monday afternoon until this morning (Wednesday), I slept a little more than I normally would in the course of four nights.
I woke up this morning feeling tired, and thought, "Are you fucking kidding me?"
Sleeping is, apparently, hard work.
Boss: You want some? They're really good, and carb-neutral.
Me: No, thanks.
Boss: We bought a bunch of these when we went on our Cape Cod trip, and went through all of them in like a day.
Me: Huh.
Boss: Those girls can really take down some nuts!
Me: *Cough*
Boss: I know.
Cryptic Writings Department:
Text from my boss informing me that I'd been promoted:
Btw...THUNDERCATS ARE GO!!!!
(I knew what it meant)
Poker Face Department:
Contractor: So my interview went really well. I think I'll probably get the job.
Me: That's good.
Contractor: So let me ask you something...I get the impression that that group is looked down on by other groups because they're not all that technical.
Me: ...
Me: Hm.
Me: That's certainly...a perspective.
Contractor: Is that not the case?
Me: Well, let's just say that people rarely even consider that group's technical expertise and leave it at that.
A Hard Four Days' Night Department:
From Monday afternoon until this morning (Wednesday), I slept a little more than I normally would in the course of four nights.
I woke up this morning feeling tired, and thought, "Are you fucking kidding me?"
Sleeping is, apparently, hard work.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Monday Night Departments Department
Just Ask Buddha Department:
Me: Well, that's...enlightening.
Boss: It's depressing.
Me: Enlightenment often is.
Crossing the Memes Department:
Boss: You are aMAZing!
Me: Yeah yeah yeah...
Boss: Oh, come on! I just want you to know that you're a valuable asset to the team!
Me: Look, you don't have to go all Courage Wolf on me.
Me: Honestly, I think I'd prefer Insanity Wolf.
How Dare They Etnertain Me Department:
I was looking at the schedule of upcoming recordings on my DVR and saw that the new season is officially starting, and all the shows I watch are lined up to record.
This resulted in an exasperated sigh.
Time Doesn't Care If You're Having Fun or Not Department:
Given that I don't really do...anything, I'm often at a loss to understand how it is that I never seem to have any time.
So one night, as time was rushing past, I paused to think about it.
Because I hate dealing with traffic, I go in to work crazy early, usually arriving sometime between 6 and 6:30. Given that experience has taught me that, regardless of how much or how little sleep I've gotten, the best time for me to work out in terms of motivation is in the morning before work, that means getting up every morning at 4:30.
Once I'm at work, I generally end up putting in at least 9 hours. Even when my schedule is such that I have to stay until 5 - or later - I can't bring myself to go in in any later than I normally do.
Seriously, traffic is already bad enough at 5:30 in the morning.
So, factoring in the time invested in working out, showering, getting dressed, driving in to work, working for, typically, 9 and a half hours, and then driving home from work, I've generally eaten up at least 11 and a half hours of the day, and usually it's more than 12.
So, yeah. That's why I don't have any time.
A Word from Brian Azarello.
Me: Well, that's...enlightening.
Boss: It's depressing.
Me: Enlightenment often is.
Crossing the Memes Department:
Boss: You are aMAZing!
Me: Yeah yeah yeah...
Boss: Oh, come on! I just want you to know that you're a valuable asset to the team!
Me: Look, you don't have to go all Courage Wolf on me.
Me: Honestly, I think I'd prefer Insanity Wolf.
How Dare They Etnertain Me Department:
I was looking at the schedule of upcoming recordings on my DVR and saw that the new season is officially starting, and all the shows I watch are lined up to record.
This resulted in an exasperated sigh.
Time Doesn't Care If You're Having Fun or Not Department:
Given that I don't really do...anything, I'm often at a loss to understand how it is that I never seem to have any time.
So one night, as time was rushing past, I paused to think about it.
Because I hate dealing with traffic, I go in to work crazy early, usually arriving sometime between 6 and 6:30. Given that experience has taught me that, regardless of how much or how little sleep I've gotten, the best time for me to work out in terms of motivation is in the morning before work, that means getting up every morning at 4:30.
Once I'm at work, I generally end up putting in at least 9 hours. Even when my schedule is such that I have to stay until 5 - or later - I can't bring myself to go in in any later than I normally do.
Seriously, traffic is already bad enough at 5:30 in the morning.
So, factoring in the time invested in working out, showering, getting dressed, driving in to work, working for, typically, 9 and a half hours, and then driving home from work, I've generally eaten up at least 11 and a half hours of the day, and usually it's more than 12.
So, yeah. That's why I don't have any time.
A Word from Brian Azarello.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Saturday Departments
Under Your Spell Department:
And I'm full of love
And I'm full of wonder
And I'm full of love
And I'm falling under
Your spell
- Nick Cave, Spell
Oh, wait. Wrong kind of spell; the name of this Department was supposed to be a pun based on spelling, as in the spelling of words.
And its actual content is supposed to be a (legitimate, non-snarky) question posed for people who can't.
Spell words, that is.
I mean, i know that everyone makes mistakes; my spelling ability, even after years of spellcheck abuse, is above average, but we all make mistakes and have words that, for some reason, we just can't remember how to spell.
My question is for people who routinely and consistently misspell, well, almost everything, and that question is, given your inability to spell, do you actually recognize the words you misspell when you see them spelled correctly?
For example, I see the word "definitely" misspelled as "defiantly" a lot, particularly online. I understand why that is; the person in question is trying to spell it "definatly," which is not a word, and autocorrect is turning it into "defiantly," which is a word, albeit the wrong one.
So does that person see the word "definitely" and know that it's the correct spelling of their made-up spelling "definatly," or is there no understanding of the word whatsoever? And if they do recognize it as the correct spelling, is there a particular reason, apart from habit, that they will continue to stick with "definatly,"definitely defiantly refusing to bow to convention?
I'm not trying to be a smug, condescending prick* or anything, I am genuinely curious. So, bad spellers of the world, leave a (poorly-spelled**) comment to let me know if you have any insight.
The Eternal Struggle Department:
(I had to write up a performance evaluation of my intern (Spoiler: He did a great job.) the other day, and, given that I've never had to fill out a performance evaluation on anyone before, I decided to run it past my boss before revieing it with the intern and submitting it to HR.)
Boss: I think it looks good, but just make those few changes to soften it a little.
Me: Okay. I mean, there's: he did a great job. I just thought those couple of areas that he needs to work on needed to be mentioned.
Boss: They do, but the way they're worded will confuse the stupi- the people reading it, and they'll totally miss the fact that you were saying overwhelmingly positive things about him.
Boss: You're like me; you prefer to be direct and blunt. Most people can't deal with that.
Me: Yeah. Foolish humans and their precious "feelings."
Boss: Tell me about it. It's the thing you and I have to struggle with every day.
Also In That Conversation Department:
Boss: You know me; if I could get away with it, my evaluations would consist of "He fucking rocked," if the person did a good job, or "He fucking sucked" otherwise.
The Whatever The Hell It Is They Do Department:
I often humorously*** refer to my job as "Whatever the hell it is I do," but as things stand after the reorg, that appears to be the actual official description of our group, as no one is quite sure what are responsibilities are or what those responsibilities entail...
Car Accident Update Department:
The other driver's insurance company has accepted liability, so even though I ended up going through my insurance company in order to get the repairs done, it shouldn't cost me anything out-of-pocket, and my rate shouldn't go up.
Unfortunately that means going through one of their certified repair shops, which means that I can't even get the damage inspected until Monday.
*I'm not trying; it just comes naturally.
**See?
***I find it humorous, at any rate.
And I'm full of love
And I'm full of wonder
And I'm full of love
And I'm falling under
Your spell
- Nick Cave, Spell
Oh, wait. Wrong kind of spell; the name of this Department was supposed to be a pun based on spelling, as in the spelling of words.
And its actual content is supposed to be a (legitimate, non-snarky) question posed for people who can't.
Spell words, that is.
I mean, i know that everyone makes mistakes; my spelling ability, even after years of spellcheck abuse, is above average, but we all make mistakes and have words that, for some reason, we just can't remember how to spell.
My question is for people who routinely and consistently misspell, well, almost everything, and that question is, given your inability to spell, do you actually recognize the words you misspell when you see them spelled correctly?
For example, I see the word "definitely" misspelled as "defiantly" a lot, particularly online. I understand why that is; the person in question is trying to spell it "definatly," which is not a word, and autocorrect is turning it into "defiantly," which is a word, albeit the wrong one.
So does that person see the word "definitely" and know that it's the correct spelling of their made-up spelling "definatly," or is there no understanding of the word whatsoever? And if they do recognize it as the correct spelling, is there a particular reason, apart from habit, that they will continue to stick with "definatly,"
I'm not trying to be a smug, condescending prick* or anything, I am genuinely curious. So, bad spellers of the world, leave a (poorly-spelled**) comment to let me know if you have any insight.
The Eternal Struggle Department:
(I had to write up a performance evaluation of my intern (Spoiler: He did a great job.) the other day, and, given that I've never had to fill out a performance evaluation on anyone before, I decided to run it past my boss before revieing it with the intern and submitting it to HR.)
Boss: I think it looks good, but just make those few changes to soften it a little.
Me: Okay. I mean, there's: he did a great job. I just thought those couple of areas that he needs to work on needed to be mentioned.
Boss: They do, but the way they're worded will confuse the stupi- the people reading it, and they'll totally miss the fact that you were saying overwhelmingly positive things about him.
Boss: You're like me; you prefer to be direct and blunt. Most people can't deal with that.
Me: Yeah. Foolish humans and their precious "feelings."
Boss: Tell me about it. It's the thing you and I have to struggle with every day.
Also In That Conversation Department:
Boss: You know me; if I could get away with it, my evaluations would consist of "He fucking rocked," if the person did a good job, or "He fucking sucked" otherwise.
The Whatever The Hell It Is They Do Department:
I often humorously*** refer to my job as "Whatever the hell it is I do," but as things stand after the reorg, that appears to be the actual official description of our group, as no one is quite sure what are responsibilities are or what those responsibilities entail...
Car Accident Update Department:
The other driver's insurance company has accepted liability, so even though I ended up going through my insurance company in order to get the repairs done, it shouldn't cost me anything out-of-pocket, and my rate shouldn't go up.
Unfortunately that means going through one of their certified repair shops, which means that I can't even get the damage inspected until Monday.
*I'm not trying; it just comes naturally.
**See?
***I find it humorous, at any rate.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Threshold Departments
I’m far too lazy to write up a proper post today, so instead I present you with these assorted Threshold Departments:
You’re Going To Hell Department:
Hairdresser turned evangelist, convicted pederast, and fugitive from justice Jonathan Bell wants you to know that he’s NOT AN EXTREMIST!
(Kevin? Is he talking to you?)
Show Your Tits…I Mean, Stand Up For Your Rights Department:
This is a movement I can get behind, or rather, in front of: Bare Your Breasts on “Go Topless Day” This Saturday!
Ladies, show your support for breasts by taking off your breasts’ support and showing your breasts!
I…But…I Can’t…I Don’t Understand…Huh? Department:
Watch the video featured in this Topless Robot post, which I think may very well be some sort of Zen Koan, then contemplate the sound of one hand clapping.
I’ll Put That Burning The Surface Of The Entire Planet In The “Maybe” Column Department:
I find myself mostly in agreement with the comment listed below from an io9 post on the news that Sam Raimi and Tom Cruise are working to bring an adaptation of the Ed Brubaker comic Sleeper to the big screen:
People, if Tom Cruise plays Tao, all will be right with the world. Be at peace.
If he somehow ends up playing Holden, however, let us unite and burn the surface of the entire planet.
For the record, there’s only one reason to not read Sleeper: you hate things that are awesome.
Special Bonus Department:
I give you Keyword Kraziness: No Kommentary Edition:
shower enclosure simpleton
sexy vacation solution
meaning society net neutrality ninja alien hulk
goat herders band
charlies theron untidy & lazy at home?
dainty penmanship
You’re Going To Hell Department:
Hairdresser turned evangelist, convicted pederast, and fugitive from justice Jonathan Bell wants you to know that he’s NOT AN EXTREMIST!
(Kevin? Is he talking to you?)
Show Your Tits…I Mean, Stand Up For Your Rights Department:
This is a movement I can get behind, or rather, in front of: Bare Your Breasts on “Go Topless Day” This Saturday!
Ladies, show your support for breasts by taking off your breasts’ support and showing your breasts!
I…But…I Can’t…I Don’t Understand…Huh? Department:
Watch the video featured in this Topless Robot post, which I think may very well be some sort of Zen Koan, then contemplate the sound of one hand clapping.
I’ll Put That Burning The Surface Of The Entire Planet In The “Maybe” Column Department:
I find myself mostly in agreement with the comment listed below from an io9 post on the news that Sam Raimi and Tom Cruise are working to bring an adaptation of the Ed Brubaker comic Sleeper to the big screen:
People, if Tom Cruise plays Tao, all will be right with the world. Be at peace.
If he somehow ends up playing Holden, however, let us unite and burn the surface of the entire planet.
For the record, there’s only one reason to not read Sleeper: you hate things that are awesome.
Special Bonus Department:
I give you Keyword Kraziness: No Kommentary Edition:
shower enclosure simpleton
sexy vacation solution
meaning society net neutrality ninja alien hulk
goat herders band
charlies theron untidy & lazy at home?
dainty penmanship
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
