Pre-Emptive Comeback: No, You're A Girl!

The other day when I was at Super Target I found myself buying moisturizer for my face, ultra healing lotion for my elbows, and super mega extra strength dandruff shampoo.
As I considered these items, I thought, “Dryness…it’s a real problem for me.” Then I thought about it some more and concluded, “Thank god I don’t have a vagina.”
“But Jon,” you say, in an effort to prove your worth as a sarcastic dick, “you bought moisturizer for your face, therefore you do have a vagina. Or else your gay.”
(By the way, you say “your” instead of “you’re” because, in addition to being a sarcastic dick, your grammar sucks.)
To which I respond, “Hey, if not wanting the skin of my face to constantly flake off like the lead-based paint on the side of an old weather-beaten barn makes me gay then change my name to William and call me Three Dollar Bill.”
(Actually, don’t do that; I get enough crap in my life without having to add a stupid nickname to the mix.)
In any case, I’m sure that my efforts will be for naught and that I will continue to flake like a perpetually shaken snow globe and that my elbows will retain a texture that can best be described as sandleather (like sandpaper, only with leather), so it’s a pointless endeavor anyway.
Guess I’m just not cut out to be gay or a woman, or even a metrosexual (which is basically just gay and in denial).
On a few other fronts, it looks like there were two hold-outs on the buy-back offer.
Dumbasses. Not sure what’s going to happen now; the condo developer is actually in negotiations to sell the whole project, and are now scrambling to come up with a new strategy, since they needed to buy back all 58 units.
It’s been a week since I ordered my graphics tablet and I haven’t received it or even so much as a tracking number. I e-mailed them once, with no response. Guess I’ll have to call. I’m surprised I’m having difficulty; the company had a 4 and a half (out of 5) rating on PriceWatch.
In any case, I suppose that I should pretend to do some work, seeing as how they’re paying me to be here.