The other day when I was at Super Target I found myself buying moisturizer for my face, ultra healing lotion for my elbows, and super mega extra strength dandruff shampoo.
As I considered these items, I thought, “Dryness…it’s a real problem for me.” Then I thought about it some more and concluded, “Thank god I don’t have a vagina.”
“But Jon,” you say, in an effort to prove your worth as a sarcastic dick, “you bought moisturizer for your face, therefore you do have a vagina. Or else your gay.”
(By the way, you say “your” instead of “you’re” because, in addition to being a sarcastic dick, your grammar sucks.)
To which I respond, “Hey, if not wanting the skin of my face to constantly flake off like the lead-based paint on the side of an old weather-beaten barn makes me gay then change my name to William and call me Three Dollar Bill.”
(Actually, don’t do that; I get enough crap in my life without having to add a stupid nickname to the mix.)
In any case, I’m sure that my efforts will be for naught and that I will continue to flake like a perpetually shaken snow globe and that my elbows will retain a texture that can best be described as sandleather (like sandpaper, only with leather), so it’s a pointless endeavor anyway.
Guess I’m just not cut out to be gay or a woman, or even a metrosexual (which is basically just gay and in denial).
On a few other fronts, it looks like there were two hold-outs on the buy-back offer.
Dumbasses. Not sure what’s going to happen now; the condo developer is actually in negotiations to sell the whole project, and are now scrambling to come up with a new strategy, since they needed to buy back all 58 units.
It’s been a week since I ordered my graphics tablet and I haven’t received it or even so much as a tracking number. I e-mailed them once, with no response. Guess I’ll have to call. I’m surprised I’m having difficulty; the company had a 4 and a half (out of 5) rating on PriceWatch.
In any case, I suppose that I should pretend to do some work, seeing as how they’re paying me to be here.
3 comments:
First! I'm awesome and not a girl, your a sissy girl.
You just need to exfoliate the dead skin cells so that the moisturizer can get through....duh! If you were really gay, you would know that, so don't worry.
Not to call my sexuality further into question, but I do exfoliate, damn it! And it does exactly no good. My face is firm in its resolve when it comes to continually flaking off, and it laughs in the...err...face of any and all attempts to persuade it to do otherwise.
Anyway, the key indicator that I'm not gay is the fact that I never get laid.
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