Letters To Redomnd

(As much as I love my new Windows Phone, and really enjoy Windows 7 on my computers, the folks at Redmond who work for a little company known as Microsoft don't always knock it out of the park, so to speak. And I'm not just talking about "Microsoft Bob" here, or even - *shudder* - Windows Me. What follows is my commentary - in letter form - on some of their more notable "swing and a miss" moments.)

Dear Microsoft,

If you ever wonder why so many people hate you - even people who might otherwise be fans of monopolies - go to a Web page in Windows 7/Vista that isn't compatible with the "Aero" color scheme. You see that thing that happens where it changes your computer's entire color settings, rather than just, oh, I don't know, not rendering that single page properly?
It's shit like that.

Hugs & kisses,

Jon

*****

Dear Microsoft,

It's me again. Speaking of problems with Web pages, while I understand that you're all about online advertising these days (for reasons that escape me), ads really aren't that important to the rest of us. Sure, sometimes they can be entertaining, as with your Windows Phone 7 commercials, but, at best, we tend to view them as a necessary evil, though frequently they're much more evil than necessary.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that it makes me want to encourage the spread of Malaria* when a Web page takes forever to load because IE is doing everything in its power to ensure that my eyeballs are assaulted by every last ad on the page, even though IE can't - for whatever reason - figure out how to deliver a particular ad to me.
I get it; you love ads. You're gay for advertising, and that's fine, but seriously, if IE can't load the ad, it should just give up and quit trying, or at least it should let me see the damn page and keep working away to make that flaccid ad rock-hard and erect under the table. I don't need to see IE working that pole for all it's worth, okay? I just want to see the actual content of the page (Note: Ads are supposed to be secondary to the content. Whoa, whoa! Settle down; that idea is not blasphemous.).
What really pisses me off - and again, shit like this = everyone hates Microsoft - is when most of the page's content loads, but I'm not able to move around on the page, because there's that last little ad that IE is trying to coax a boner out of, that just can't get it up, and then, even though the entire page - minus the ad with the erectile dysfunction - has already loaded, IE finally quits, blanks the page, and pops up an error message saying it can't load the page.
We both know that's a lie, Microsoft; the page was right there in front of me just a second ago.
Anyway, just something to keep in mind. Sorry about all of the gratuitous mentions of tumescence (or the lack thereof), but some sort of dick jokes seemed called for.

Regards,

Jon

****

Dear Microsoft,

Seriously, have you ever even tried using Word?

Angrily,

Jon

****

Dear Fuckfaces Microsoft,

The beta version of Internet Explorer 9 is a really decent browser. Honestly. No gag here; I actually like it better than Firefox.
Or rather, I like it on the computers on which I can actually get the thing to install.
Oh, and that "helpful" troubleshooting page? The one that tells me to install some updates that are already installed, and to try disabling my antivirus/antispyware software - despite the fact that my antivirus/antispyware software is a Microsoft product - and assumes those things will work, and doesn't even have the decency to shrug its shoulders when it doesn't work? That page...well, that page isn't very good at all.
(Sorry, I couldn't come up with a zinger.)
In searching some forums, I've seen Microsoft reps suggesting an in-place upgrade of Windows itself as the solution to installation problems.
So basically you want me to completely reinstall my Operating System just to be able to install a beta version of Web browser.
Cf. my earlier comments in re: like that, shit.
Still, I have managed to install it on two out of my four computers, and I suppose that two out of four isn't bad. You know, provided you don't consider failing to be "bad."

Yours,

Jon

*For those of you who don't get the reference, Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates has, in cooperation with the charitable foundation bearing the name of himself and his wife, been engaging in a campaign to eradicate the spread of Malaria in the developing world. No joke; it's a laudable goal. But that shit with ads that IE can't render preventing an entire page from loading really pisses me off.