Your Threshold Programming Guide

In recent months, for whatever reason, I’ve found myself sitting in front of the TV actually channel surfing more and more.
It’s a break from my usual habit of only watching things that I know that I want to watch and going directly to specific channels.
In flipping through the channels, I’ve learned that each one has something in the way of “signature” programming, particular shows or at least shows of a particular genre that are on nearly 24x7, and may or may not have anything to do with the supposed vision of the channel.
Of course, it’s the nature of television networks to change their focus to meet the needs of their audiences. I remember when E! was called Movietime and aired nothing but extended clips and trailers for upcoming movies (the “upcoming” part was sort of in the eye of the beholder – they were still airing the trailer for Dirty Dancing in 1989). Of course, I’m not sure its current incarnation is much of an improvement.
In any case, some of the shows are so dominant that I think that the networks airing them need to change their names to reflect their actual programming. Here are some of my suggestions.

A&E – D&G (The Dog & Gene Network)
(Runners Up: The CSI Miami Network, The Forensics Network)
The change from Arts & Entertainment would reflect the fact that Dog The Bounty Hunter and Gene Simmons Family Jewels are on constantly.

Discovery Channel – Deadliest Catch Channel
Seriously, if it’s not an episode of Deadliest Catch, it’s an episode of a show about Deadliest Catch.

TLC – The Little People Channel
Little People, Big World is on like 10 hours a day. Somewhere along the line I’m sure they’ll send the family to Miami to get inked, which will enable them to cover 15 hours of programming.

The History Channel – The What’s With All The Shows About UFOs? Channel
Here’s a thought, how about you have a show about Hitler every once in a while? You used to be The Hitler Channel. On a serious note, that new show The Universe is pretty cool.

TNT – The Law & Order Channel
I love L&O, too, but come on.
(However, The Closer has been off to an excellent start this season.)

USA – The Other Law & Order Channel
At least I haven’t seen the episodes of Criminal Intent and SVU airing here a million times like I have the L&O episodes on TNT, and it beats being The Wings Channel the way it had been back in the 90s.

TBS – The TBS Is Still On The Air? Channel
Really?

Nickelodeon – The We Will Squeeze SpongeBob for Everything We Can Channel
Yes, I know where the fuck – and in what – he lives, okay?

E! – The Paris Hilton Network
Between The Simple Life and E! News, it’s all Paris, all the time. And if it’s not Paris, it’s someone who might as well be Paris.

MTV – Spoiled Rich White Girl Television
It’s a cliché to make fun of the lack of music on Music Television, but when, exactly, was it entirely replaced by stupid, spoiled, rich white girls? That’s all I ever see when I (quickly) flip past. I guess a whiny sense of entitlement speaks to the current MTV generation.

VH1 – The Celebrity Fit Club Loves New York’s Flavor Channel
With VH1 it’s not so much one show, but several shows that all seem to meld together into this sticky mass of “reality” programming.

Sci-Fi Channel – The Cheap Shitty Movies And TV Shows + Battlestar Galactica Channel
Many sources report that Battlestar Galactica is the best show on TV. I just haven’t been able to get myself invested in it. Also, is Eureka ever coming back? It’s pretty sad that Sci-Fi can’t manage to lure in a geek like me, but really, with few exceptions, their programming sucks ass. (Mansquito, anyone?) I very rarely stay on this channel for long.

Comedy Central – Blue Collar Comedy Central
Hey, Viacom: there are other comedians in the world. No, Carlos Mencia doesn’t count.
(I will give props to that stand up comic I once saw during an amazingly Blue Collar-free stand up show, who came up with the word “procrasturbate.” That chick is a genius!)

Bravo – Boo!
I remember when Bravo used to be a channel vaguely akin to the Independent Film Channel. Now it’s all reality shows about stupid crap you couldn’t pay me to feign interest in. Oh boy, an exploration of the life of Paula Adbul! Beyond the reality shows, Bravo also seems to be bending over backwards to prove that it’s twice as gay as Logo. If they added one more day of non-stop episodes of Criminal Intent, they could become The Other Other Law & Order Channel.

Cartoon Network (specifically Adult Swim) – The Screw You, Fanboys Channel
For every one good show that pops up on Adult Swim there are three really shitty, usually live-action shows, and these are the shows that the people at AS love and will shove in the faces of an unreceptive viewing audience. They will then get angry at the viewers for not enjoying the dog shit that they’ve had their faces rubbed in.
(And they make you wait too goddamn long in between seasons of The Venture Bros.)

And, as sort of an honorable mention, since I was focusing on cable channels:

The Fox Network – The We Immediately Cancel Any Shows You Like Network
Pretty much speaks for itself.

Anyway, those are a few of my suggestions on how some TV networks can better identify their respective brands and market to their target audiences. I give it to them free of charge (but hey, if they want to show their appreciation monetarily, I won’t object).