Happy Birthday, Jack!

First and foremost, happy birthday to the one and only Jack T. Chick, creator of those ubiquitous pieces of evangelical Christian fire and brimstone sermons condensed into sequential art, the world famous Chick Tract.
A Chick Tract is like an old-fashioned tent revival that you can carry in your pocket and pass on to some disgusting hobo or misguided liberal and set him on the path to righteousness.
Jack is 83 years young today and has been spreading intolerance and bigotry in the guise of “old-fashioned values” via his tracts for more than 40 years.
So here’s hoping you have a good one, Jack, and I hope that as you blow out the candles on your cake you’ll remember that there’s no amount of wishing or a breeze strong enough that can but out the flames of the Lake of Fire where Catholics, Mormons, Masons, Wiccans, Homosexuals, Jehovah’s Witnesses, fans of Harry Potter, D&D enthusiast, rock musicians, and just about everyone who doesn’t adhere to your narrow, retarded view of how life should be lived will be spending their respective eternities.
After all, isn’t that vision the best birthday present of all?
Short of the Rapture, I mean.
Oh, and Jack? You say it’s your birthday? It’s my birthday, too!
Yes, that’s right, today, as most of you know, is my birthday.
What? No, you flatter me! I’m not 20, I’m 35, though I could see how you could easily make the mistake.
…
Okay, screw you; my hair started going gray when I was 21, all right?
So far to celebrate the anniversary of my birth I’ve had breakfast with Kathleen (still trying to figure out if the 20 minutes I spent in the parking lot waiting for her to arrive were meant to be my present), talking to my mother, and taking in a matinee of Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters.
Apparently school is out today, because, you know, why wouldn’t it be, so I had a bunch of noisy teens to keep me company. Fortunately they weren’t too disruptive.
Not that it mattered because it’s not like the movie had any sort of plot to follow. I mean, it was Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Who expects a plot?
Still, the opening “homage” to the whole “Let’s go out to the lobby” thing was easily worth the price of admission.
From there I headed towards home trying to decide whether I wanted to stop somewhere for lunch or just go home. I picked the latter, and the Universe decide to make up for yesterday’s largesse with the green arrow by trapping me behind a dump truck for much of the drive. And not just any dump truck, a dump truck that was behind a cement truck.
It is my birthday, after all, so just an ordinary old dump truck would never do.
Thanks, Universe!
In any case, there are some things I should attend to, but I thought I’d just extend my birthday wishes to Jack, and let you know that so far I’ve spent the first day of my 35th year having a platonic breakfast with someone else’s wife and watching a cartoon with a bunch of teenagers.
Oh, and finding out that I’m probably going to be moving, but I’ll talk more about that later.