Fairy Tail

Years ago, back when I was still drinking, my friend Eric and I were, as we often did, sitting in a bar talking.
The subject of our conversation on the particular occasion that I’m thinking of somehow turned to the phenomenon that can be called “found porn.”
“Found porn” refers to the times when you randomly find discarded porn in an unexpected location. Like you’re walking in the woods and you notice something off in the bushes. You investigate and find that it’s a five year old weather-beaten copy of Hustler.
Or maybe you go to a yard sale and buy a box of comic books and mixed in with them you discover a stack of Penthouse.
Whatever the particulars, the idea is that you unexpectedly find porn.
If you are a teenage boy and this happens to you, you’ll probably find yourself thinking that it’s the closest thing to divine providence you’re ever likely to encounter, and it may very well be the greatest day of your life up to that point (if we assume that you’re a teenage boy who grew up before that whole Internet thing took off).
In any case, what we were discussing was just how universal an experience “found porn” seems to be. Most every guy I’ve ever known has run into it at least once in his life.
This is when I put forth the theory of a Porn Fairy, a mythical creature that flits about stashing away unwanted and outdated porn in odd locations so that it can be found by some desperately horny teenage boy who will give it a good home.
In my mind, I envisioned the Porn Fairy as looking rather a lot like Screw Magazine publisher Al Goldstein. It just seemed appropriate.
In any case, I hadn’t thought about the Porn Fairy for a while, but was reminded of it the other day by one of those Snack Fairy commercials, so, to go along with a request I’d received to include the occasional picture of a man, I decided to bring my vision of this relatively unknown and under appreciated (Sure, the Tooth Fairy leaves you money, but it’s not enough to buy porn, even if you are old enough to do so. Besides, the Porn Fairy doesn’t take away parts of your body in exchange for the porn – it’s totally free.) creature to life.
And here it is:




I honestly spent way more time than I should have working on this picture and I find that rather sad. Still, it pretty much looks exactly the way I imagined it, so in those terms it’s one of my biggest artistic successes, which is even sadder.
When I wasn’t working on a picture of the Porn Fairy, though, I was busy not wanting to get up, getting up, talking to my mother, and heading out to Wal Mart.
Once I got what I needed from Wal Mart I was on my way to the self-checkout, where I found each and every one choked with people, people who really shouldn’t be trying to do anything as “complicated” as buying stuff without assistance.
Once I finally made my way out, after having had to stand in line behind a young couple who found it vitally important that everyone present know how much in love they were, and who believed in the adage “show, don’t tell,” it was time to get myself some lunch, even though Romeo’s loud, sloppy kissing technique had done considerable damage to my appetite.
I decided that I was in the mood for some food court dining, and so I headed off to the town center and had “genuine” Cajun food served to me by a young Asian man.
Still, inauthentic experience or not, I do enjoy that bourbon chicken.
After eating I still had a fair amount of time to kill before my appointment with the chiropractor, so I tried to wander around, but I really wasn’t in the mood to have to make my way through the obstacle course of people, so I soon made a hasty retreat to my car and was on my way back to Leesburg.
When I was talking to my mother this morning she said, “Maybe this will be the year you finally meet someone.”
I responded with, “Notice how I’m not holding my breath.”
At this point “meeting someone” doesn’t even make it onto the list of priorities. I mean, why put something on your “to do list” that isn’t going to get done? If I’m going make meeting someone one of my goals for the year I might as well put “Find cure for cancer” on the list while I’m at it.
Speaking of lists, there’s a sign-in sheet for patients at the chiropractor, and when I went to sign in today I noticed that it said “Dork” next to where I’d signed in yesterday.
I looked down a few spaces and, sure enough, there was Kathleen’s signature.
Below my name was someone else that Kathleen evidently knew, as he was labeled “Bigger Dork.”
I designated her as “Dorkette” on my way out. Ha! The perfect comeback. I rule!