The Hard-Won Bottle Of Sprite

So it’s Groundhog’s Day, the day when we learn how much longer we have to contend with winter (though it really hasn’t been much of a winter here in NoVA), except back home in the UP, where you’re guaranteed at least another two or three months of winter no matter what the Groundhog sees or doesn’t see.
This day, naturally, makes me think of the movie named for it in which Bill Murray, much the same way I did for the year in which I was working in the call center doing tech support on the phone, is stuck reliving the same day over and over again.
It also makes me think of my niece Jourdan, whose birthday is tomorrow (Happy 19th, Kiddo).
This morning I woke up with the Molly Hatchet song “Flirting with Disaster” playing over and over again in my head (yesterday it had been “The Battle for Heaven” from Glenn Danzig’s instrumental album Black Aria, which was an experience I found much more pleasant). Not sure where that came from, as I’m not what you’d call a Molly Hatchet fan, but at least I wasn’t dreaming about Live Scorpion ™ brand bioelectric razors.
And it could be worse; it could be “I Got You Babe,” which started every Groundhog’s Day for Bill Murray…
On Tuesday after Brian and I finished hauling everything out of my apartment I gave him the key to the condo so that he could head out and get started without me while I went to the office and turned in my keys.
After I did that I stopped at the Safeway gas station to get a bottle of Sprite.
The lady working there, an older, grandmotherly type, told me that the 2 liter bottles were on sale for a great price if I wanted to just grab some ice. I said no thanks and pushed forward with the 20 ounce bottle I’d grabbed. She wasn’t ready to give up, though, insisting that the 2 liter sale was the “hot price.” Again, I said no thanks, and she started to say something that sounded like the kind of announcement you’d hear over the PA inside the store: “If you’re getting ready for the Big Game, our 12 packs of Coca-Cola products are on sale for just $2.99!”
She seriously said that in exactly those words and in exactly that tone…which I realize that you can’t actually hear, but I’m sure you can imagine.
I wanted to say, “Look lady, I’m thirsty from hauling boxes down the stairs and I just want to buy this bottle of Sprite. I’m not looking for a deal and I don’t give two shits about “the Big Game.” In fact, I don’t even know which teams are playing in it, and, quite frankly, I don’t even want to know. Now, stop trying to prove that old people can be useful and productive members of society, shut the hell up, scan this bottle of Sprite, and take my money without trying to tell me how much I could save, all right?”
Of course, I didn’t say that. I just politely thanked her for her suggestions and persisted in paying – in her estimation – too much money for too little Sprite. I even went so far as to engage her in polite conversation about the fact that I was in the midst of moving to try to shift her focus away from trying to save me money.
As I got back into my car, thinking about how close I was to the finish line in the whole moving marathon, it occurred to me that if I were still drinking I would really, really like to have something considerably stronger than a bottle Sprite.
Oddly enough, what I would have wanted – hypothetically, at least, as I wasn’t actually feeling any real sort of craving – would not have been a beer.
That’s odd because when I was drinking there was pretty much no time in which I didn’t want a beer. Hell, even when I was hunched over the toilet getting rid of the beer I’d already imbibed I still kind of wanted another beer.
However, hot, sweaty, and breathing for air, a cellar-temperature Guinness, much as I loved the occasional (hey, every available second of every day can count as an “occasion”) pint, just didn’t seem like it would be that refreshing. Even frosted much of Killian’s didn’t have that much appeal.
No, what I wanted – or rather, would have wanted – was, of all things, a vodka martini.
Vodka martinis aren’t something I drank very often, but every so often I’d get a yen for one (or six), and as I sat there, contemplating my hard-won 20 ounce bottle of Sprite, the idea of a vodka martini just seemed especially appealing.
Of course, I didn’t have one, and won’t be having one, so if there’s anyone out there reading this who isn’t averse to doing so, do me a favor and have a vodka martini (or six) for me.
Come to think of it, a Long Island Iced Tea would have been good, too, so have one of those while you’re at it. And maybe a shot or two of Jameson. And eventually, you will need to knock back a few pints, so, honestly, if you’re going to go out drinking for me make sure you don’t do it on an empty stomach, get yourself a designated driver, make sure you don’t have to be anywhere the next morning, and be ready to apologize to people for things that you can’t remember doing or saying…