2004: A Threshold Retrospective

2004.
On the surface, it doesn’t seem like an especially significant year.
Not like, say, a 1999, or a 2000, or a 2001 with its “Space Odyssey.”
Hell, it’s not even a palindrome like 2002.
That’s only on the surface, though. Sure, 2004 doesn’t have the kind of obvious, flashy significance of some other years, but if you examine it more closely you’ll see that…umm...
Okay, 2004 sucked out loud.
The only thing it had going for it was that we had the opportunity, which we didn’t take, to get Bush out of office.
Beyond that, 2004 had nothing to offer, and nothing is exactly what it gave us.
Still, for the next couple of days 2004 is the only year we’ve got, and as we find ourselves nearing the end of it, it seems fitting that we take a look back on the year that was.
So join me now for the first-ever Threshold Year In Review, in which we will recap some of the significant events of 2004. We’ll be looking at events specific to my life as well as events that have actual significance.
Since we’re on, or at least very near the subject, let’s talk about the election. For reasons that are utterly inexplicable to me, and despite the best efforts of professional rabble-rouser and unkempt fat guy Michael Moore, George W. swept the election. Apparently it doesn’t matter if you’re a retarded Right-Wing nut-job who failed to live up to the extremely limited requirements of the cushy position that your daddy got you to keep you out of the war as long as you’ve got some amount of personality.
Personality. The one area in which John Kerry just couldn’t compete, whether it be with George W. Bush, or with dryer lint.
Still, it wasn’t the blandness of his opponent that helped Curious George make his way to victory, it was actually an upswell of religious conservativism that was brought on in part by the revelation on national television that women actually have nipples.
Everyone knows that it’s a perfectly wholesome family activity to watch large men violently slam into each other for our amusement, and that shouldn’t be disrupted by a brief glimpse of a nipple. There’s no room in football for nipples.
Apparently at some point after they are no longer of breast-feeding age seeing a nipple is the single most damaging thing that can happen to a child, though it is evidently acceptable for them to actually have nipples themselves. Presumably, though, they are to be discouraged from spending any more time looking at their own nipples than they absolutely have to.
To ensure that they never see nipples on TV again, CBS was fined a ridiculous amount of money, and Fox was fined even more, though in that case the naughty bits were not actually visible, as they had been pixilated prior to broadcast.
The puritanical backlash resulting from the infamous “wardrobe malfunction” has been pretty widespread:

• Howard Stern was pulled off the air in many major markets and forced to flee to satellite radio.
• In April, Victoria’s Secret pulled its fashion show from the TV schedule.
• Various “live” awards shows were broadcast with a seven-second delay. The ads for the 2004 Billboard Music Awards referred to the show as "the awards show where anything can happen," but clearly the unspoken follow-up statement was "but it better not."
• Several ABC stations refused to air "Saving Private Ryan" unedited on Veteran's Day, for fear of an angry response from viewers and resultant hefty fines from the FCC.
• The TV show “Blind Date” began blurring out women’s chests if they weren’t wearing bras underneath their shirts, and even goes so far as to blur out any amount of cleavage that may be showing.
• The NFL got in hot water once again due to a promo for ABC's "Desperate Housewives" during "Monday Night Football" which featured no nipples whatsoever, but which was "suggestive," and featured a shot of actress Nicolette Sheridan's bare back. Heavens, we even got to see her bare ankles in that ad!

If this trend continues, I see the burqa as the must-have (literally) women's fashion accessory for 2005.
The other major event that helped the religious conservative movement gain momentum was the success of Mel Gibson’s torture porn/love letter to the SS, “The Passion of The Christ,” in which we learned that – Who knew? – crucifixion is really, really nasty.
Apparently this Jesus guy was brutally tortured and killed by the Jews…in much the same fashion that thousands of Jews were later tortured and killed on his behalf throughout the course of the Spanish Inquisition.
In any case, gory scenes of torture and death on the big screen really seemed to help people get back in touch with their religious beliefs, renewing their faith in a loving and kind Messiah who espoused a philosophy of charity, mercy, forgiveness, and compassion. Yep, nothing like a good old-fashiond scourging to fill you will feelings of mercy and love.
This spiritual renewal helped them better appreciate Christ's gentle spirit and become better prepared and more determined than ever to destroy their enemies.
And they were soon to discover that their enemies were not limited to women’s nipples, but also included men who like to have sex…with each other!
Yes, we’re talking about homosexuality, which, like eating shellfish, God regards as an abomination.
It’s bad enough that there are gay people in the world at all (well, apart from the hilarious mincing stereotypes we can all laugh at on TV and in the movies, or, you know, the hot chicks we can watch making out with each other, though really all guys know that all those chicks need is some deep dicking to set them straight), but some of them actually have the audacity to want to get married! Well, we’ll show them! They might be able to show us how to dress, but we’ll be damned if we’ll let them take away the sanctity of marriage from us! Those queers better listen up; broken homes, extramarital affairs, domestic abuse, and the sheer agonizing monotony of married lives are solely the province of God-fearing straight people!
So all of these factors came together to help to create a wave of conservative morality, which, like the tsunami their loving and merciful God recently used to wipe out more than 100,000 people, washed over this country and buoyed George W. Bush to victory.
Of course, for those people not caught up in this wave, there was the issue of the War on Terror, which, to date, has yielded such tangible results as finding weapons of mass. Wait, never mind that one. But even so, we did...umm…well…there was that guy, you know, the one who wasn’t really doing anything. The one from that war. No, not the guy who was actually responsible for attacks on America. The other guy. The bad guy from those “Hot Shots” movies.
Okay, so the actual results aren’t what are important here.
The fact of the matter is that, apparently because a significant portion of the population is retarded and can therefore identify with him, the American people believe that George W. Bush is the best man for the job of protecting our way of life from the people (Many of whom may actually have nipples!) who are out to destroy it.
They believe this even as they choose to ignore the fact that the largest major terror attack on this country occurred on his watch.
But that's irrelevant. George W. is clearly the man for the job. After all, we’d much rather have a Commander-in-Chief who served in the Air National Guard on a base in Texas than a man who actually engaged in combat, because our way of life is just that important to us.
For example, we wouldn’t want to lose our right to free assembly…umm, you know, at least in “Free Speech” Zones”
And we definitely wouldn’t want to live in a theocratic society that places “moral” considerations based on a system of beliefs conceived of thousands of years ago, and which couldn't have less to do with the actual issues of daily life in a world the authors could never have conceived of if it were an owner's manual for a 1956 Studebaker, over providing accurate information that is vital to the well-being of its citizens in areas such as sex and HIV education. Nor would we want to live in a society that obsessively concerns itself with the potentially “impure” thoughts of its citizenry to the extent that there are tremendous consequences if someone so much as catches a glimpse of the unwholesome female parts or that takes actions to ensure that “indecent” and “subversive” viewpoints cannot be expressed over the public airwaves. We also wouldn’t want to live in a society that deprives a significant portion of its population of their right to have an officially-recognized relationship with all of the rights and privileges thereto, or that engages in unprovoked attacks that lead to thousands of civilian casualties, or that perpetuates the unfounded hatred of the Jewish people and….
Umm…you know what? Why don’t we just wrap things up here and move on to the more Jon-specific events of 2004?

Threshold Year In Review Pt. 2: This Time It’s Personal

Ah, 2004. I remember it just like it was…umm, well, just like it was right now.
The year definitely had some moments of moment for me.
Some of them were entertaining, such as this, which I feel may have my best off the cuff smart-ass comment of the year:

Kathleen: I’m not really a “diva,” am I?
Me: No; you’re just a bitch.

Some were irritating, such as when my clutch blew up on me.
Most moments, though, simply were.
Still, there were some significant events. For example, I wrote a novel. Granted, it’s not a great novel, but hey, how many novels have any of you written?
I also submitted a short story for publication. Sure, I never heard anything back from the publisher, but considering that it’s been nine years since I submitted anything, I’d say it’s significant.
And on other creative fronts, I think that in 2004 I’ve created some of my best artistic work ever, with some of the best examples being here, here and here.
And also here.
Possibly the most significant event of 2004 in my life, though, was the fact that after nearly eighteen years I quit smoking.
Smoking being my last remaining major vice, this act added to the overall asceticism of my life and made me that much more monkish. That’s probably why I resisted the idea of quitting for so long. After all, I don’t drink anymore, I’ve given up caffeine, I’m not much of a gambler, and as for sex…well, we all know that is not a major issue in my life as far as vices go.
So smoking was really all that I had left.
Still, I’m glad I did it, and I do hope that I’ll never smoke again, but most days I do find myself wanting to light up, and, to be honest, though I did start depositing the amount I used to spend on cigarettes every month into my savings account, I’m not really seeing the financial benefits, and given my lack of any real vices, I'm hard-pressed to figure out where the hell the money is going.
The most obvious impact giving up smoking had on my life, though, was creating my interest in personal fitness. After I quit smoking, bucking the usual trend, I actually lost twenty pounds.
Since that time I’ve added more intensive exercise to my initial regime of endless walking and, as a result, have actually gained thirty pounds, though I’ve retained my much smaller waistline, indicating that most of it is muscle.
At roughly the same time that I quit smoking I began to experiment in the kitchen, learning that not only do I seem to have something in the way of culinary talents, I actually enjoy cooking.
2004 also saw the rather ambiguous conclusion to my most recent attempt at forming a romantic relationship, bringing me that much closer to just giving up on the idea once and for all.
Still, there are certain…imperatives that keep me from giving up all hope, despite the lack of prospects.
In 2004 my hatred of TV executives reached a fever pitch due to the unending assault of reality shows, the untimely and unfair death of “Wonderfalls,” and the news that my beloved “Dead Like Me” would not be returning for a third season.
After more than eight years, 2004 witnessed the restoration, and completion, of my “Sandman” collection, and also brought me Neil Gaiman’s “Neverwhere” on DVD.
Of course, we can’t forget the single most significant event of 2004 in my life, as well as the lives of all of you: the birth of Threshold!
As a forum in which I can express myself, Threshold has allowed me to reach out to Mandy, daughter of Pam, Logistics Manager; it has allowed me to keep you informed on subjects as vital and significant as The Venture Bros., Frank Miller’s Sin City, and the fact that my life isn’t as wretched as I make it seem; and finally, Threshold gave me the power to put the final nail in the coffin of a semi-resurrected, on-again-off-again friendship that died once and for all after I wrote about my dislike of pets.
In any case, without Threshold, where else would you get to read about the exciting events of my life, see my stunning works of art, or expose yourself to my irreverent (and usually irrelevant) spin on modern life? I’ll tell you; nowhere, that’s where. And what kind of life would that be? No kind of life at all.
After all, now that Threshold has become an indispensable part of your life, how could you ever get by without it?
Without Threshold, you would wither and die.
So because I control Threshold, I have the power of life and death over you all! You are all at my mercy! Bwahahahahahahahaha!
But don’t worry; I am a kind and benevolent dictator, and I pledge to keep you all hale and hearty with frequent updates throughout the year to come.
In closing, I’ll bring out that hoary old time-honored tradition of the “Best/Worst” list. Enjoy!

Best Second Season of a Series on Showtime:
Dead Like Me

Worst Second Season of a Series on Showtime:
Dead Like Me (Because it’s the last fucking season! Damn you Showtime! Damn you to hell!)

Best Movies That I Actually Went To the Theater to See:
Spider-Man 2
Hellboy
The Incredibles
Honorable Mention (Simply because I actually went to see it): Van Helsing

Worst Movie That I Actually Went To the Theater to See:
Van Helsing (Just because it didn’t kick nearly as much ass as the other three movies)

Best Personal Musical Discoveries of 2004:
Liz Phair (Just in general)
“Nocturama” by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

Worst Personal Musical Discoveries of 2004:
That rap song in that goddamn Boost Mobile commercial!
The music in all the damn “Checkers” commercials

Best New Expression of 2004:
Fucktard (Props to Brian for introducing me to the term)

Worst New Expression of 2004
President Bush was elected to a second term (Though “That fucktard President Bush was elected to a second term” creates kind of an interesting synergy)

And, on a more serious note, the best moment of 2004, for me, was probably finding out that my niece Jourdan got accepted into a Pre-Med program at Michigan Tech. The worst moment was finding out that her father, my friend and brother-in-law Dean, was being called up for active duty and being sent to Iraq for a two-year tour of duty as part of the bogus “War on Terror,” and will therefore miss her high school graduation and the first year and a half of her time in college.
Of course the absolute worst event of 2004 is the disaster on the other side of the world. Perhaps I’ve made light of it here, in particular to get in a gibe at the followers of organized religion, but this really is a monumental tragedy the likes of which I’ve never seen in my life and my deepest and most sincere sympathies go out to all of the victims of this disaster as well as to their families and friends.
In any case, that concludes the first ever Threshold Year In Review.
Happy New Year, Threshold readers! See you in 2005.