Great Moments In Snark

I went to Kings Dominion (an amusement park) with Scott, Stacy, Jamie, Casey, and the associated packs of children on Saturday.
It was a good time - it's been far too long since I've gotten a roller coaster fix.*
It did make for a long day, though, and it took a lot out of me.
At one point while were standing in line for a ride, I noticed this pack of young guys who were the most stereotypical rednecks I've ever seen in my life. One of them was wearing a T-shirt that had a picture of a hunter shooting a deer with the charming message "Take a Dirt Nap," and yet another went full-on Larry the Cable Guy with a sleeveless flannel shirt. The other was a redneck version of an ironic hipster, what with his Wayne's World shirt (featuring Garth) and Haggar slacks.
There was aslo a fat guy to complete the set.
After taking some time to take it all in, I turned to Scott and said - and I have to admit, I'm pretty proud of this bit of snark - "It's going to be really exciting for those guys when Kevin Bacon moves to their town and they're allowed to dance again."
Yes, I know; I'm being unfairly judgmental. Well...tough. After all, beyond their appearances, two of them clearly demonstrated just how red their necks were as we got closer to getting on the actual ride.
It was a ride that mos of the kids could go on, and the ratio of kids to adults was such that one of them (Scarlett) had to ride with me - the ride itself was a two-person bobsled sort of thing - and at first it seemed as though the rednecks were being polite, as they sacrificed their places in line ahead of us so that Scott, Scarlett, Zoe, and I could all ride at the same time. However, I thought that it was kind of odd how the one in front of me - the hipster - seemed kind sort of insistent and almost on the verge of panic when it came to letting Scarlett and I get in front of him. That was when I noticed the black girl in front of me. Similarly, in Scott and Zoe's queue, Larry the Cable Guy had moved back to avoid having to share the ride with a black girl.
So, yeah.
It's worth noting that I'm just as snarky - perhaps snarkier - when presented with the worst examples of my own kind, like a couple of weeks ago when I was the comic shop and there was this huge - figuratively and literally - nerd who appeared to be in his late 40s or early 50s wearing a blue T-shirt with matching sweatpants, hiked up to Urkel levels. My immediate thought was that he lives with his mother, who, if she isn't already, is most likely going to end up as a mummified corpse in a house dress sitting in a rocking chair.
(Seriously, except for the hair - he had a non-blue combover - the guy looked like Blueberry Johnson.)
Anyway, on another ride earlier in the day, Scott and I had noticed a girl who was a dead ringer for Snooki. I was saddened by this because there's no way to look that much like Snooki accidentally, which meant that this girl consciously chose to look like Snooki, and that she feels that Snooki is someone worth emulating. So there was the whole weeping for the future thing, but also, it annoys me that my brain is receptive enough to pop culture effluence that I even know who Snooki is in the first place.
Stupid brain.
When I got home, there was a call on my Caller ID from a "Longest, John," which made me laugh, though it would have been funnier if his first name had been "Johnson." I assumed that it was a failed attempt at dialing the pharmacy, so I was surprised to see that I actually had a voicemail from Longest, John(son).
The content of the message:

(The dessicated voice of a truly ancient-sounding woman with a cartoonish Southern drawl)
"Hello, Dorothy! How are you today? This is Martha Longest. I hope you have a wonderful day."


*Why are people so surprised to learn that I like roller coasters? I knew someone years ago who said that it's because roller coasters are likely to make you giddy, and that she assumed I was fundamentally opposed to giddiness. She was also stunned the first time she saw me drunk because I was giggling. Look, just because I don't have it very often doesn't mean that I have anything against fun.

Just A Few Pointers

I make a lot of mistakes when I write stuff.
In fact, going back and reading old Threshold posts can be downright painful given the number of typos, misspellings, wrong word choices, and sentences that just plain don't make sense that I find.
Still, it's rather the nature of the beast when it comes to blogging. After all, I don't spend a lot of time proofreading and editing after writing a post, and I'm sure the same holds true for most other bloggers. Overall, it's understandable and forgivable.
That being said, at least when I go back and see these mistakes I recognize them as being mistakes.
For many other bloggers I'm not sure that's actually the case.
So, as a service to others - and a way of being snarky even though I'm clearly a pot calling a kettle black - I present this handy guide to help others avoid some of the most common mistakes I see on other blogs and Web sites.
Note that "!=" means "is not equal to."

breath != breathe
it's != its, the possesive form of it - it's is a contraction for "it is"
loose != lose
prolly != probably (I'm willing to make an exception in text messages or IMs, but in any less time-sensitive communication it won't kill you to spell out probably. At least, it prolly probably won't.)
should of != should've, a contraction of "should have" - "should of" is utterly meaningless
there != their (belonging to them) or they're (they are)
to != too or two
UR != Well, anything, really. Sure, it works as shorthand for "you are," but there is no
circumstance under which it can be used to indicate "your" or "you're"
woman != women
your != you are, or its contraction you're


Also note that most of the time when you think you need an apostrophe you probably don't.
Apostrophes do two things: they indicate possession or that a word is a contraction.

Examples:
Tom's house (the house belonging to Tom)
That's a spicy meatball (That is a spicy meatball)

Of course, this does lead to the its/it's confusion, but really, it's just a matter of remembering that when you say that something belongs to it you don't need an apostrophe, which doesn't strike me as being all that difficult. Its is a possessive noun just like his, hers, yours, and theirs. Apostrophes need not apply.

Now, bearing in mind that apostrophes are only necessary in two specific instances, it should come as no surprise that you don't need it to do something such as indicate plurality.

Example:
I borrowed some DVDs from Mike. Correct.
I borrowed some DVD's from Mike. Incorrect.

People like to use the apostrophe to indicate plurality (meaning that there is more than one) because they think it provides a visual cue that might otherwise be lacking.
Nonsense.

Is a sentence such as
"I got sick because I ate ten taco's."
Any clearer than
"I got sick because I ate ten tacos."
Or does the apostrophe in the first sentence make you wonder "Ten taco's what? What possession belonging to the ten tacos did you eat?"

Note also that even if you were indicating something that belonged to ten tacos the apostrophe placement would be incorrect, as when there is more than one of something, the apostrophe goes after the "s."

Given the context of a sentence, people are going to be able to figure out what you mean when you write DVDs, or even dvds, or tacos, or lemmings, or...well, pretty much anything.

To summarize, Apostrophes: You're probably doing it wrong.
As an example of making several of the above-mentioned mistakes, I'll restate that:

Apostrophe's: Your prolly doing it wrong.

Keep these things in mind when making blog posts and you'll find yourself considerably less likely to be attacked by Grammar Nazis in the comments. You'll still make mistakes - we all do - but at least they'll be honest mistakes.
For more information, check your local library, or, you know, just remember the basic rules of grammar that you should have learned in school.