Blue Balls

So for a while now I've been planning to build a new computer once I get my annual bonus/tax refund. I've done enough upgrading over the years that I've essentially built a complete computer, but I've never actually put one together from scratch.
I figured on just going all out and dropping like 5 grand, buying a top-of-the-line case, premium motherboard, and the most high-powered CPU available, then stocking it with components like an SSD (Solid State Drive), and tons of RAM (24 GB, to be precise).
Out of curiosity, I started looking online at HP to see what it would run me to configure a comparable system from them, letting them do all of the dirty work. Turns out that, with the employee discount I get through work, it would only run about $3,000. (Bear in mind that "only" is a relative term).
Since I have a credit line with them, I thought, "Why not just buy it now, and then pay it off when I have the money in a few months, and have money from my original budget left over?"
So that's what I started to do. However, once I got to the payment options, I noticed that the option of paying with my HP Home and Home Office card was missing.
I fired up a chat session with a customer service rep and found out that they'd actually discontinued the card - not my card specifically; the entire card program in general - so I no longer had that option. Not having the cash handy, that meant I'd have to wait. Sure, that's what I'd originally planned to do, but it feels like an unfair turn of events after my anticipation had heated up to a fever pitch.
It's kind of like having blue balls.
I still have a (working) credit line with Dell, but sadly they don't offer the SSD option.
I suppose I could buy the Dell, then buy my own SSD and install it, but that would mean having to almost immediately reformat the system, since the whole point of the SSD was to have it be the primary drive on which Windows was installed (which would dramatically improve boot-up time and overall performance).
Dammit.

*****

On a more positive note, my mom is doing well enough that she'll be home on Friday. My niece Jourdan is going to spend the night to make sure she's okay, and after that a nurse will come in to help her with cooking and bathing, but overall I'd say that's a very positive sign.

Oh Lordi

Somehow I feel as though I'm obligated to like the band Lordi.
They are, after all, a Finnish metal band, so it seems like kind of a no-brainer.
And yet...
I suppose it's the overwhelming cheesiness, both in terms of their lyrics and the whole costume and make up shtick, though normally I don't find cheesiness completely off-putting. After all, I grew up reading comic books written by Stan Lee himself, for god's sake.
And yet...
I can say, I think, that I do legitimately like Would You Love A Monsterman? (embedding disabled).
And I kinda-sorta like Hard Rock Hallelujah (again, embedding disabled, which is, quite frankly, stupid).
Lordi, by the way, won the 2006 Eurovision Song Contest, becoming the first Finnish band to do so.
And yet...
Still, I like the two songs linked above well enough to use up two of my ten free credits from Zune* to download them, and I thought that they were worth mentioning here.
On some other fronts, I haven't gotten any news about my mom since Wednesday, at which time she seemed to be doing okay, though - and I guess this is normal - she'd needed a transfusion. She also was still recovering from some of the loopiness brought on by the anesthesia.
My sister Kim was heading down there for the weekend to see her, and I'm sure she'll give me a report soon. Once she's out of ICU and in a regular room, she'll have a phone and I'll be able to call her.
In the meantime I'm assuming that no news is good news.
My flight home on Tuesday seemed to take much longer than it really ought to have, in particular the "25 minute" final approach to Dulles, which kind of felt like we'd turned around and gone back to Minneapolis in order to make the approach, and which actually took more than 45 minutes.
On this trip I became convinced that airline employees don't know how time works, and they don't have a full understanding of the concept, or the terms.
I mean, when they say something like, "We will begin boarding in approximately five minutes," they might as well be saying, "We will begin boarding in approximately...orange?"
But, while travel is always a bit of a hassle, and I was sorry to leave my mom behind to recuperate without me, I needed to get back to my life (such as it is) and my job doing whatever the hell it is I do, and it felt good to be home.
Of course, there were hours and hours of recorded TV piled up on my DVR waiting to be watched, which I kind of resent. How dare the television networks provide programming that I enjoy!
I will say that sleeping in my own bed, which is not at all like a hospital bed, was awesome.
Beyond the hours and hours of TV demanding to be watched, it only took me about an hour to get everything squared away and to get back into the standard swing of things.
It took even less time than that at work, since I'd kept up with it as much as I could while away, and we're entering a slow time of year with the approaching holidays and the end of the year.
Yesterday I actually worked from home in the afternoon, as my morning was taken up by my three-month check-up with my doctor, and a dentist appointment.
One of my crowns had been loose, so I'd gone in to get that fixed. Given that the tooth to the left of it was also a crown, and the tooth to the right of it would eventually need a crown, the dentist recommended that I get a bridge put in. My other option was to have a post put into the loose one and then eventually get the crown on the other, but I chose to go with the bridge. So now I have one big fake tooth that's molded to look as though it's three separate teeth.
Right now I just have a temporary one in place and I'll have to go back to get the permanent one put in.
The dentist was examining his work and told me to "smile big." He assured me that no one would be able to tell the difference, particularly since you can't see my gumline anyway. I was going to say that people wouldn't be able to tell the difference because I don't smile, but I remained silent.

A Conversation At Work:

Me: I actually used the word "synergy" today. I even did the hand gesture, with the interlocking fingers.
Dan: Were you disgusted with yourself?
Me: Yes. Next thing you know I'll be talking about OBIDA or some shit.

*I got a free one-month "Zune Pass" with ten free downloads as part of the AT&T Entertainment Pack that came with my upgrade to the Samsung Focus, a Windows Phone 7 device. So far I really dig my new phone, and I'll be writing a little more on the subject at some point.

Oh, Hey; More Waiting

So I'm sitting - along with my sisters - in the ICU waiting room, er, waiting.
They brought my mom down to the OR a bit after 6 AM. As I type this, it's 9:36 AM, and so far we haven't gotten any of our three updates, and there's a good chance that they haven't actually started operating yet.
I readily admit that I'm pretty scared and anxious, but I do feel confident that she'll make it through. After all, she had surgery to clear out a blocked artery in her neck on Friday - which was sort of a trial run for the main event - and she made it through that with no trouble whatsoever. Granted, it's not nearly as invasive a procedure, but it's still pretty major surgery. Apart from being groggy from the anesthetic, she was fine right after it, and got better as the day wore on. I have to say that I was impressed by her resilience.
It was good to get out of the hospital over the weekend, and to sleep in a real bed. The downside was that my mom doesn't have WiFi in her apartment, and her Internet connection is actually slower than the free WiFi here at the hospital. On the other hand, my mom's Internet connection doesn't block any domains the way the hospital's does.
Saturday morning I got a text from my friend Kevin inviting me out to breakfast. We ate at the Suomi Restaurant. I can't remember the last time I ate there. Probably at least 15 years. Sadly, as I'm not the most sentimental person in the world, it's not as though I had any wistful reminiscences about the place. Still, it was good to see Kevin - while we've talked/e-mailed/chatted in the interim, it's been years since I actually saw him - and the Pannukakku I ordered was good. I wouldn't have thought that I could get tired of bacon and eggs for breakfast, but after a week of having little else in the way of options* in the hospital cafeteria, it actually happened.
Saturday evening I went to see Megamind - which is hilarious - with my brother-in-law and my niece and nephew.
Kim hit a deer on her way to bingo on Saturday night, and, to add insult to injury, she didn't even win anything once she got there. The deer did a fair amount of damage, but her car is still drivable.
Yesterday Kim and I headed back down to Marquette. She and I watched a boring video about what to expect today and after the surgery, and a bit after that my friend Gretchen came by to visit for a while. Hadn't seen her in years either.
I got put back in the same hospitality room I'd stayed in last week. The one without a bathroom (or a window).
They gave my mom some Xanax last night so that she could sleep, and this morning they gave her, in the nurse's words, " a lot of Valium" before wheeling her on out.
And that brings us to this point, in the waiting room, with the waiting.
Apparently during my stay here last week I was a big hit with the nurses, what with the whole devoted-son-who-flies-in-all-the-way-from-Virginia-and-stays-at-the-hospital-to-take-care-of-his-mom thing.
Not that it did me any good - the cutest nurses, and there were a few, were all married with kids - or like that was really what was on my mind.
One nurse that my mom had for most of last week was really good - well, they've all been very good, but she stands out because I was around her more - and frequently commented on my awesomeness. At one point when I was out of the room to eat lunch or whatever, she had asked my mom if I'd ever been married. My mom told her that I had, and gave a brief summary of how that worked out, to which the nurse responded, in reference to my ex, "That little bitch."
Hopefully once my mom gets through the surgery - which, despite my anxiety, I'm positive she will - it won't be too long before they take her off the ventilator (generally happens anywhere from 6 to 24 hours after the surgery) and she'll be able to talk before I head back to NoVA tomorrow. Of course, it might be better if she's still out of it when I leave so that she won't be sad when I go.

*They did, on odd days, have this yogurt bar that I really liked. I was thinking it had been a M-W-F thing, and was looking forward to it this morning, but unfortunately they didn't have it. They didn't even have much in the way of packaged yogurt to choose from.

Not Too Much New

Not much new going on with my mom. They're going to go in with a scope to find/cauterize the bleeding tomorrow morning. They would have done it today, but they didn't decide to do it until after she'd already eaten breakfast. So she has to go without food or water after midnight tonight. Dr. Personality told her "Thursday or Friday" for the surgery, then kept on walking.

****

The hospital is right next to a university - my alma mater, in fact - and there's university parking on the street between the hospital and university campuses. This morning I saw this on the windshields of all the cars parked there:



The "vs." aspect represents a false dichotomy, as the existence of one doesn't negate the existence of the other...unless you're talking about a very specific creation story, which most "Intelligent Design" proponents disingenuously insist they are not doing.
It is, they say, merely a coincidence that the people who support the idea of Intelligent Design are overwhelmingly Christian, and that ID doesn't support any specific creation account.
Of course, what they fail to consider is that even if they found some irrefutable evidence that the universe was created exactly as the account of its creation is presented in the Bible, it still wouldn't prove that Christians are right, but rather, that the Jews are.
I'm sure that would go over like a fart in the synagogue church...

The Latestest

This morning one of the heart surgeons came in - briefly - and, in addition to simply showcasing his winning personality* for my mother and I, he said that they're shooting for Thursday to perform the surgery.
Of course, there is still (Note: Dammit!) the issue of the internal bleeding - which they can't look for or do anything about, given her overall condition - but her hemoglobin levels are staying stable, so it may be that the blood that's showing up is old. Certainly she doesn't appear to be losing much blood.
He left before I could ask any questions.**
So hopefully Thursday will be the day.
In the meantime, she's doing well. Numbers all look good, and she's pretty much her normal self.
As for me, I'm tired, my back hurts, my skin is incredibly dry and my lips are painfully chapped - this hospital air is terrible on the skin - and I miss my house, my bed, my TV, and especially my main computer and Cintiq.
At least my mom is able to talk, so that helps with some of the boredom at least.
I have to assume that, since they're planning to move forward with the surgery, they've assessed the risks and have a plan for dealing with the potential stroke, though, again, I didn't get to ask any questions. My sister said the other surgeon will most likely pop in at some point - he was actually performing surgery this morning.

*I'm being sarcastic, of course. He never even said his name. Bedside manner seems to be in short supply around here, at least with some of the heart specialists, which is kind of ironic; the doctors who mend hearts seem to be the most heartless. The Critical Care doctor was very nice - "Call me Nicole" - if, as my sister put it, a bit of a "tree-hugger" in terms of her demeanor and appearance. The nurse said that the doctor who's on today is also very nice.

**He basically came in said, "We're planning the surgery for Thursday." My mom mentioned that she's still bleeding. He looked at me, and said, "Are you her family?" I said that I was her son, and he said, in response to my mom's comment, "Well, that's a whole problem in itself. We'll have to try to take care of that." Then he turned and headed out the door saying, "She's got a lot of problems."

The Laterest

The good news is that my mom was even more alert and more like herself today and all of her numbers looked good.

She finally got to have some food - she hadn't had anything to eat other than some pudding and jello since she had lunch on her birthday back on the 29th. She'd fallen and cut her head - which is what most likely triggered the heart attack - that evening on her way out to have dinner, and had been too sick to eat anything Saturday or Sunday.

So she had breakfast this morning - and sat up in the chair for an hour and a half - and then lunch, and then dinner.

She also was at a point at which she only needed the oxygen mask when she was sleeping, and now is at the point of not needing it at all.

The better news is that she's in good enough shape that she's being transferred out from under the auspices of the Critical Care doctor and will be under the care of the cardiovascular specialists who will actually be performing her surgery.

The bad news is that we still don't know when the surgery will be. The surgeons will be in sometime tomorrow, so hopefully we'll find out then.

The worse news is that she still seems to have some internal bleeding - most likely a bleeding ulcer - which prevents her from having surgery, as the surgery will involve some heavy-duty blood thinners. However, she doesn't appear to be bleeding too much, as her hemoglobin levels are staying steady (she previously needed two transfusions).

The worst news, though, is her overall condition. In addition to the blockages around her heart, which necessitate the bypass surgery, her carotid artery is also very thin. Her heart isn't in good enough shape for them to address that, but if they don't address it, the increased flow of blood that will result from the bypass could cause the blockage to come loose and hit her brain, so there's a strong possibility that after the bypass she could have a stroke.

It's possible that without the surgery she could get by on medication, but she wouldn't be in very good shape, and there's a chance that at any time she could have a massive heart attack and/or stroke.

...

Yeah.

We're waiting to see what the surgeons have to say, as we're sure that her situation can't be unique, they know how to deal with it, and they will assess the risks and lay out the best course.

So there's more waiting.

The Latest

So I've been in Michigan since Thursday afternoon.

I'm staying in a hospitality room in the hospital. It's not exactly a luxury suite - the room I'm in doesn't even have a bathroom - but for $15 a day, I can't complain, especially since I'm not spending a lot of time in it anyway. And at least I've got free WiFi, which is more than I can say for the Marriott where I stayed for the Baltimore Comic-Con...

Thursday night, pretty much right after my sister Kim left, which was annoying, as she wanted to be here for it, they took my mom off the ventilator and eased up on the sedation. She didn't fully come to, and she had a hard time talking because her throat was still raw from having the breathing and feeding tubes down it, but she was responsive, and considerably less agitated than she had been when she was on the ventilator.

Friday morning she was talking a little more, but didn't really remember anything that had happened in the past week. She was also pretty cranky. They had to put a mask on her to help with her breathing, and she hated it. She wanted me to take it off, and when I wouldn't, we had the following exchange:

Mom: I hate you.

Me; You hate me?

Mom: (Nods)

Me: That's okay. I love you.

(Five minutes later)

Mom: I don't hate you.

Me: I know. I never believed that you did.

There were a lot of times when she was trying to tell me things and I couldn't understand her and she got frustrated. "Oh, Jon," she would say with a sigh. Or, "For crying out loud, Jon!"

She also ran me pretty ragged, and at times it seemed that she just didn't like the idea of me sitting down, as she would alternate between being hot and being cold. As soon as I'd put the blanked on her and sit back down she'd say she was hot. Lather, rinse, repeat.

By a little after 10 PM I'd been sitting - or attempting to sit, at any rate - with her for most of the day, by myself, as Kim and Kristy both had to work, so I was pretty tired.

I went back to my room and crashed quickly, and ended up sleeping for over 10 hours.

Today she was much more like herself, and made more sense when she talked - both in terms of speaking and the content of her speech - and she apologized for being mean.

She also realized that she has a lot to live for.

Mom: I have a lot of friends.

Me: Yes. You've got a lot of people who love you.

Mom: I'm a good person.

Me: Yes, you are.

Then we both laughed.

Friday night, at one point, she asked me, "Why is dad here?" I said, "He's not." She responded, very seriously, "Yes he is." Rather than argue, I said, "He's probably here to tell you to get better and that it's not time to be with him yet."

Today she said that he told her, "You have to keep fighting, Mary."

My sister Kim came down in the afternoon, along with Jourdan and Jenni. The CCU (Coronary Care Unit) closes between 3 and 5 - though they're not strict about kicking people out - so we took that time to go out to get something to eat.

When we came back, the nurse didn't have any more details about when they think they'll be ready to operate on her, and that they're just taking it hour by hour.

She stayed in good spirits, and tonight she actually told me that I could go to get some sleep - whereas last night she made me feel guilty about leaving her (though I was far too tired to feel guilty).

She was still a little confused about some things, thinking that stuff she dreamed about actually happened, but at least she wasn't actually seeing and hearing things that weren't there.

Hopefully she'll keep getting stronger and they'll be ready to operate soon.

As for me, I'm not quite so tired, as I didn't have as long or lonely a day, but I suppose I should crash soon. I want to get up before 7 so that I can check on her before they close the CCU until 10 (during that period, they are strict about keeping people out).

And that's the latest.

Distraction

For anyone out there who doesn't know, my mom had a heart attack over the weekend, and is currently in ICU until she's strong enough to have bypass surgery.
...yeah.
I'm flying to MIchigan tomorrow to be there, but as it stands right now, they're saying it's optimistic to think that she'll be up for the surgery even by Monday (it was originally scheduled for this Friday).
Needless to say, the past few days have been pretty shitty, with the waiting being one of the worst parts. Not the worst part; the fact that my mom had a heart attack at all is the worst part.
In any case, while I sit here going nuts, I've needed to find something to keep me distracted.
And what could serve as a better distraction than the always-lovely Nadia?

Birthday Wishes

The Threshold faithful* should all join me in wishing my mom a happy birthday!

*I know there's no such thing, but a man can dream, can't he? No, he can't? Oh.

Slow Sunday

Last night I was working merrily away on a picture when I looked up and was surprised to discover that it was nearly 2 am.
I went to bed and struggled to sleep, even though throughout the weekend I’d slept poorly and as a result was extremely tired.
The exhaustion I felt didn’t cause me to sleep in at all, and I was up at a bit after 9 and eventually began working on the picture, and then on another. And then another.
All three pictures (plus some more) are part of a single project which will eventually find its way here, but I can’t make any promises as to when, and will accompany an entry on a particular topic.
To make use of some uncharacteristically bad grammar, I have to say that this “hush hush” project I’m working on is the single wrongest thing I’ve ever done, I think, though in a particularly hilarious way.
I keep having to take a break from working on it so that I can take a step back, laugh, and say, “That is just so wrong.”
Hopefully it won’t take me too much longer to finish it so I can share it with all of you and you can either join me in laughing, or screw up your faces, scratch your heads, and say, “That’s not funny. What a buttwad.”
Whichever.
As mentioned, not much has been going on today apart from working on the picture.
I paid the majority of my bills for the month, having to take the time and effort to actually write everything down, since without a check card I can’t access my bank account online to keep track of things that way.
Pain in the ass.
I talked to my mother, who is thinking about checking out some sort of grief support luncheon thing that’s going to be held near where she lives in a few days, which I think is a good idea.
But other than that, things are pretty quiet here.
The weekend was long, slow, and boring, and full of inane conversations, as I detailed on Friday.
Tuesday Scott, Brian, and I will be attending this day-long training at HQ to learn all about “Web 2.0.” I’m sure it will be exciting.
Okay, I’m sure it won’t be exciting, but I’m also sure that it will be 9 hours of really easy OT.
A week after that our whole group is getting together for a team meeting/lunch.
In any case, I suppose I should get back to work on my project.