There's A Reason No One Is Saying That

First off, happy birthday to my sister Kristy and to her husband Ken.
I went out to Super Target this morning to do some shopping and realized just how horrible it’s going to be to have to do my shopping when the rest of the world is shopping as well. I’m really going to miss you, Monday morning shopping.
The whole thing was such a nightmare that I just had to get out, failing to pick up several of the items I meant to get in my rush to get out of the world.
*Sigh*
My plans for the rest of my remaining day off consist primarily of doing the laundry. Exciting stuff.
On Tuesday, when I was busy pretending that I wasn’t waiting to get the call that would tell me when/if I would be starting my new job, I found a site that both amused and terrified me and spent the day reading through it.
The site is called Fundies Say The Darndest Things, and consists of some of the zaniest quotes made by religious fundamentalists of all stripes culled from various Internet message boards and comment threads.
I thought I’d share some of my favorites with you.

No one is saying that angel-human hybrids should be rounded up and killed. Anyway, it is the activities and agendas of the Luciferian global elite that give us the most cause for concern.

WayWord, Christianforums.com [Comments (57)] [2008-Jan-01]

I think this one is my absolute favorite. But you know, it’s time someone takes a brave stance on this issue, and I feel that I’m the one who should do it: I’m saying that angel-human hybrids should be rounded up and killed.
Seriously, though, what is the context in which a statement like this makes sense? The reason no one is saying angel-human hybrids should be rounded up and killed is that no one (no one sane, anyway) is saying they exist.

[Update: This one might be my new favorite.]

And how can I be ignorant about anthropology when that is a word you just made up?

wrightbrigade, FSTDT Comments [Comments (50)] [2007-Oct-30]

Do I really need to say anything about this?

I just got hired on at a fire department and well ive made some minor mistakes and what not. The devil is speaking through my chief theatening me that i am going to lose my job.

alrdyreg, Rapture Ready [Comments (52)] [2007-May-26]

Oh, that crafty devil, using your incompetence as a means of tempting your chief into unrighteousness!

so you think if no one believed in any religion there would be no wars or fighting? i think it would be worse. i know if i didn't fear god's judgement i would have killed many many times.

cajunXLVII, GameFAQs [Comments (49)] [2006-Sep-06]

Christianity: Keeping the potential serial killers in the flock in check since 30 AD.

If u have sex before marriage then in Gods eyes u are married to that person if a man rapes a woman in Gods eyes they are married it sucks for the girl but what can we do lol

Gods soldier, Myspace [Comments (149)] [2006-Feb-03]

LOLZ! ZOMG, rape is SO funny!

[on the sunject (sic) of a Bible printing company]

Yes, that is a great company. I bought one of their large print version (old eyes... what can I say?).

The only thing I don't like about them is they sell foreign language versions of the KJB. I don't think that's right. We know the only true translation is the 1600's version in English.

It's too risky for anybody to translate that into other languages. Mistakes can creep in... and that can lead to heresy. True Christians should only read English.

leyenda , KJB only [Comments (114)] [2007-Aug-06]

Because everyone knows Jesus spoke English.

There are a lot of things I have concluded to be wrong, without studying them in-depth. Evolution is one of them. The fact that I don't know that much about it does not bother me in the least.

AV1611VET, Christian Forums [Comments (91)] [2006-Sep-12]

It’s funny because it’s so sad.

No, everyone is born Christian. Only later in life do people choose to stray from Jesus and worship satan instead. Atheists have the greatest "cover" of all, they insist they believe in no god yet most polls done and the latest research indicates that they are actually a different sect of Muslims.

Trinidad and Tobago, CARM [Comments (260)] [2006-Oct-01]

Yes, that’s why you hear Richard Dawkins saying “Allahu Akbar” all of the time.

not that I am stupid or anything but where is finland?

ArchxAngel, POD Warrior Forum [Comments (41)] [2002-Oct-01]

This one is, of course, close to my heart. Don’t worry, you’re definitely not stupid, as there is no such thing as Finland. It’s a lie made up by the Islamo-Atheist Evilutionists. Just like Google Maps.

Gravity: Doesn't exist. If items of mass had any impact of others, then mountains should have people orbiting them. Or the space shuttle in space should have the astronauts orbiting it. Of course, that's just the tip of the gravity myth. Think about it. Scientists want us to believe that the sun has a gravitation pull strong enough to keep a planet like neptune or pluto in orbit, but then it's not strong enough to keep the moon in orbit? Why is that? What I believe is going on here is this: These objects in space have yet to receive mans touch, and thus have no sin to weigh them down. This isn't the case for earth, where we see the impact of transfered sin to material objects. The more sin, the heavier something is.

Trinidad and Tobago, CARM [Comments (205)] [2007-Mar-01]

See? Gravity is just like Finland. Also, put down that cookie, fatty! That sin is going straight to your thighs!

There is no love involved in abusing someone's anus. It is evidence of great selfishness to seek pleasure at the cost of trauma to epithelial tissue and implantation of pathogens. God in love gave each of us an anus and a rectum. When the anus/rectum malfunctions, it causes discomfort and pain. To lose the anus/rectum means a colostomy, and who wants a colostomy? To insult an anus is to insult its creator. This is selfishness, the opposite of love.

LOVE, Bravenet Web Services [Comments (23)] [2002-Dec-01]

I so need to make a T-shirt that says “God in love gave each of us an anus and a rectum.” Of course, “To insult an anus is to insult its creator,” would also make a good T-shirt. Maybe I could make a shirt with one saying on the front and the other saying on the back.

Thinking too much will rot your soul.

Aysia, Acne.org message board [Comments (13)] [2004-Mar-01]

Your soul must be fresh as a daisy.

Abbas: What would you say to the man who says that his thought life is private and doesn't affect anyone else?

Fred: Well, I would say that's crazy. There's nothing in the Bible that would lead us to believe that. Christ would never agree with that. I know that some of the times when I was right in the very act of looking at, not pornography, but lingerie ads or some of those things, my wife would run down the stairs because she had just had a dream where she's being chased by Satan and she couldn't find me in the dream to protect her. I really think that the effects of my sin were causing my protection to be taken off of her.

Fred Stoeker, Living True Ministries [Comments (35)] [2008-Jan-13]

So that’s what Victoria’s “secret” is! Also, to anyone who got assaulted by dreams of Satan while I was watching those BangBus videos, all I can say is, “My bad.”

Mutations in the ebg system are clearly not an example of evolution but mutation and natural selection allowing for adaptation to the environment.

Georgia Purdom, Answers in Genesis [Comments (61)] [2008-Jan-11]

Good point, because we all know that evolution doesn’t have anything to do with natural selection and adapting to the environment.

God revealed to me two things about the timing of the rapture. God specifically told me 2007 was the year, because I was only going to have from 3 to 3 1/2 years to spread the message after my book was published.

Shelby Corbitt, 2007rapture.com [Comments (208)] [2008-Jan-01]

2008, like gravity, Finland, and Google Maps, clearly doesn’t exist.

Am i alone here but does anyone feel like beating up a Mormon there the reason why American fucking sucks there trying to censor us all.

Zodiac Sign., Myspace [Comments (27)] [2007-Feb-27]

Watch your back, Merlin T Wizard!

[Separation of Church and State goes both direction.]

That will change once we are the government.

tehvodak, Fark [Comments (33)] [2007-Jun-05]

That pretty much says it all.

Back July of 2000 a brother in church accosted me, I was wearing a nice black dress which my beloved had purchased for me. I needed a girdle to get into it, silt to the knees, skin tight, hose, heels, hair to up there and makeup... see it was in church, this brother grabbed me, kissed me after saying oh baby come here. I didn't talk with him again, I was mortified to cause a brother to stumble. I got rid of all of my shee shee dresses then and there and haven't looked back since. I now wear clothing which doesn't accentuate my shape but makes it very obvious that I'm a lady and not a man. The best thing about all of this has been that it led me to learning about submission which I am still learning regularly.

Wendy McDonnell, Wendy's Modest Dress [Comments (84)] [2008-Jan-10]

Not good enough; you need to be imprisoned for being such a foul temptress! Imagine the nerve of letting some poor, defenseless man see your *shudder* figure! The poor man had no choice but to sexually assault you.
Seriously, get the hell out of that relationship, get away from your church, and buy yourself some fucking self esteem, and if you have any change left over, buy a fucking clue. Quit giving victimizers the right to blame their victims.

According to the Bible, the earth has been in existence longer than the sun. I believe God did it that way on purpose, as it effectively pwns science and sun worshippers.

AV1611VET, Christian Forums [Comments (76)] [2008-Jan-06]

Why doesn’t it surprise me that God is into WoW? Egghead with a lot of free time and no social life…it makes perfect sense. I’ll bet He never shuts up about the raids He’s been on.

[Advice to the daughter of a woman with breast cancer]

HOVIND: One thing is for sure, if you do nothing it will probably get worse. But it is surprising, if you do nothing with cancer your life expectancy is somewhere between 6 and 10 years. If you take chemo your life expectancy is between 1 and 2 years.

WOMAN: They want her to take radiation. And that is my greatest fear. I believe the FDA about as much as I believe in evolution.

HOVIND: There you go. [...] I think the last thing I would do would be to take the medical profession's approach.

WOMAN: Well, that's what I'm saying too.

Truth Radio 27 June 2006 @ 54:40 (Tape 2)

Kent Hovind, kent-hovind.com [Comments (72)] [2008-Jan-09]

Ah, Kent, it’s just too bad that you’re locked up in prison and aren’t free to give out such sound medical advice all of the time. I’m sure your words of wisdom were a great comfort to her at her mother’s (probable) funeral.

I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don't think he's ready to date yet. What's worse is that he's sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, God! I want my son to stop being so secretive!

Linda, Good news prayer room [Comments (2846)] [2006-Oct-28],

Oh, honey, you’re so going to wish he had a secret girlfriend once you finally put two and two together.

And finally, we’ll close with this gem:

[about a girl being born with mental disabilities]

This girl is like a leper so what she needs to do is try and find god

if she really believes she can be healed from this state, she will be healed from this state

Most afflictions like this are caused by sins committed while still inside the womb. If she can repent for what she does god will embrace her and make her as human as you or me but if she chooses not to she'll always be like this

god tests every one of us

theSAVED, Penny Arcade [Comments (176)] [2007-Jan-14]

Darn fetuses, smoking, drinking, and gambling in the womb!

And there you have it. If you’re ever looking for a way to keep yourself amused – and infuriated – spend an afternoon reading the many other words of wisdom that can be found at the site.