A Conversation With My Body

My Body: Hey.
Me: Yeah?
My Body: Got a second?
Me: Well, I am at work, so yeah.
My Body: Your right knee hurts.
Me: What?
My Body: Your right knee. It hurts.
Me: Ow. You’re right.
My Body: Ha!
Me: Why does my right knee hurt?
My Body: Why do you think?
Me: I don’t know. I haven’t been doing anything other than just sitting here. I can’t see how, but did I twist it or something?
My Body: Nope.
Me: Well then why-
My Body: Because I hate you!
Me: What? But you are me.
My Body: Don’t remind me.
Me: Listen, can’t we just –
My Body: Nope.
Me: But why do you hate me?
My Body: Well, what have you ever done for me? You spent years trying to destroy me trhough inactivity, lousy nutrition, cigarettes, and booze.
Me: Okay, sure, but I gave up the booze and the smoking, and when I was active and eating better you didn’t seem to like that any more than being inactive and not eating well. And even now, I’m not exactly super conscientious about what I eat, but most of the time I try to keep it relatively healthy.
My Body: Pfft, yeah, eat another candy bar, fat ass.
Me: Hey, it’s not like you’ve ever done me any favors.
My Body: Oh, right, I’ve only been here for you your whole life.
Me: Yeah, and that’s the problem. I mean, you’re not exactly ideal, to put it mildly. You can barely manage to walk, you can’t eat or drink or just sit there not doing anything without choking, to say nothing of the fact that you stopped growing about six inches before I wanted you to.
My Body: Hey, that’s not my fault, pal.
Me: Well then whose fault is it? And all of that’s to say nothing about my eyes, or the fact that if it were up to you I’d spend my whole day in the goddamn bathroom.
My Body: You’re the one drinking water all the time.
Me: Yeah, for your benefit.
My Body: Yeah, well don’t do me any favors.
Me: I won’t.
My Body: Fine.
Me: Fine.
My Body: …
Me: …
My Body: There, now you have a random pain in your side, too.
Me: Ow.
My Body: I rule!