Monday, January 29, 2007

Please DO Squeeze The Charmin

The woman seen goosing herself in the picture below, which I don't recommend clicking on if you're at work, is model/randomly famous Briton Keeley Hazell.



Honestly, if I were Keeley, a good portion of my day would be spent doing this and nothing else.
Anyway, as mentioned, Keeley is one of those British chicks who's famous simply for being famous. The UK has lots of those, random hot chicks who don't really do much other than get their picture taken because they're famous, and they're only famous because they're always getting their picture taken.
The Brits have more of them than we do (though we have our share), simply because they have Page 3.
Anyway, unlike Paris Hilton, who is one of our celebrities who is famous despite not having any discernible talent whatsoever, Keeley is at least attractive.
However, like Paris, Keeley's fame is about to increase thanks to the leaking of a sex tape.
It's automatically better than the Paris tape because you actually want to see Keeley naked, but overall the tape isn't too impressive.
(I mean, you hardly get to see the guy she's shagging...I mean, ummm... Sorry; had to squeeze in a random Robot Chicken reference. If you don't get it, just move on.)
Honestly, after seeing the tape, I'd be kind of inclined to keep Keeley away from my business. I mean, I appreciate the enthusiasm, but the amount of friction that hand is generating must be painful!
Anyway, the point I was trying to make is that I find myself sort of torn by the whole celebrity sex tape thing. On the one hand, there are certain celebrities I would like to see in action, so when their bedroom adventures end up getting the European Vacation treatment, I kind of have to view it as a good thing.
On the other hand, there really haven't been any celebrity sex tapes that I've especially wanted to see. I mean, the Scarlett Johansson/Jessica Alba/Keira Knightley/Jessica Simpson/Jessica Biel four hour orgy video keeps failing to materialize, and nstead we get the Screech tape.
My point is that most of the tapes out there make me want to yawn at best and violently retch at worst.
So in theory celebrity sex tapes are good, but in practice, not so much.
The other problem is that each time a new tape comes out it bolsters the notion that so many sweaty nerds out there hold so dear, namely that every celebrity has a sex tape just waiting to be leaked, or at least some nude photos taken at the start of their careers.
Every celebrity, without exception, these people believe, has been photographed and/or video taped in the nude/having sex.
This is why I get so many hits from people looking for nude photos of Giada. She's famous(ish), therefore there must be nude photos of her out there somewhere.
Every time some pseudo-celebrity pops up in a homemade porn, this retarded belief grows and gains that many more adherents.
I'm not sure why that annoys me so much, but it does.
Anyway, just wanted to mention that.
Oh, and for any Googlers out there, I don't have the Keeley Hazell Sex Tape available to download here.
I do, however, have a painting I did of her grabbing her ass, so that's at least something.

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