Inspired by the season, my muse has driven me to write an updated version of a traditional Christmas poem. Enjoy!
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the apartment
Nothing was put away in its proper compartment
The laundry was thrown on the floor without care
‘Cause I knew no one else would see the mess there
And I was nestled all snug in my bed
While visions of strippers danced in my head
“Hot Mama” wore no kerchief, but she did wear a cap
And she danced on the stage to the music of rap
When outside my window there arose such a clatter
But it didn’t involve me, so it didn’t matter
Back to my dreams I flew like a flash
And offered a dollar as “Hot Mama” took off her sash
The strobe-light on her breasts during the show
Gave the luster of mid-day to her G-String below
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a cute little waitress with my $5 beer
The waitress I’d seen dance so lively and quick
I think that her stage name was simply “Hot Chick”
But tonight she waited tables in spite of her fame
Since at this time of month she was out of the game
Now Kayla! Now Ivy! Now Heaven and Vixen!
Came up to the stage, they were dancin’ and blitzin’!
From the top of the pole it looked like they’d fall
Now lap dances! Lap dances! Lap dances all!
Despite the transaction fees that were entirely too high
The twenties from the ATM piled up to the sky
And off to the corners the suckers they flew
With fantasies they hoped would now come true
But then in a twinkling, their money went poof!
And panting and unsatisfied the suckers hit the roof
The bouncers took each one in hand and turned him around
And tossed them all out the door without making a sound
Kayla was dressed all in leather from her head to her foot
But under the circumstances her clothing was moot
With a gleam in her eye she arched her long back
And she looked at me like a predator about to attack
Her eyes – how they twinkled! Her smile so merry
Her tongue the color of roses as she licked at a cherry
Then she ran it along her red lips all sexy and slow
And sliding up to the pole she started her show
I clenched a dollar bill tightly between my teeth
While secondhand smoke circled her head like a wreath
She had a slender face and a flat little belly
And the sight of her made me want to cover her with jelly
She was tall and thin, like some sexy young elf
And she smiled when she saw me, in spite of herself
A wink of her eye and a twist of her head
Soon gave me to know – I was alone in my bed
She spoke not a word as she continued her work
She slid off her stockings; then called me a jerk
And shaking her finger in front of my nose,
She shrugged and she laughed as from my dream I arose
Looking at the time on my clock I let out a whistle
And we’ve finally reached the end of this epistle
Now the point of this story is finally in sight:
For Jon, Christmas is just another lonely, dream-filled night
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