I'll believe that you can crap rainbows if it'll get me a diamond

I suppose that for people who know me it would be sort of surprising that I haven’t written anything about the holidays, since I often spend the holidays bitching about them.
While the mark of having once been one is as indelible as the scar on my left eye from the surgery I had when I was four, I am no longer a Christian.
I have no wife, girlfriend, or significant other of any kind, and I have no children.
All of the members of my family are thousands of miles away.
So for all of these reasons it seems pretty obvious that I would not be particularly inclined to celebrate Christmas or to be filled with the “Holiday Spirit.”
However, my attitude towards the holidays has mellowed a little over the years, and while I was never exactly a Scrooge or Grinch, I had formerly been more vehemently opposed to the existence of the holidays.
Now, with my slight softening, I still wish that I didn’t have to be constantly hit over the head with the “Spirit of the Season” every time I turn on the TV or set foot into the outside world, but I’ve come to accept the fact that it is an inevitability.
Scrooge and Grinch comparisons were never especially apt, anyway. Despite my personal distaste for the holiday, I’ve always continued to engage in gift-giving and I’ve never been inclined to ruin anyone else’s time.
Besides, apart from the fact that I don’t have green fur, there’s another major distinction between me and the Grinch: he actually owns a pet.
The fact of the matter is, though, when you’re on your own it can feel as though the period from Thanksgiving to Valentine’s Day is designed solely for the purpose of reminding you of that fact. It’s almost as if all of the advertisers have some sort of wager going on to see how many people they can get to kill themselves by February 14th, with a constant stream of images and jingles and ad copy that say, “You are alone and are therefore less valuable as a consumer, and as a human being. If you're not buying things, you're not worthwhile, and you're not buying anything because you have no one to buy things for, because you're not worthwhile. No one loves you. You're going to die alone anyway. Might as well get it over with."
So yeah, it gets a little irritating, and naturally I’m inclined to utter the occasional “Bah, humbug,” or something more forceful (and less gay), but overall I guess I’ve gotten used to it.
Even so, the commercials themselves, independent from the more depressing aspects, are often just plain annoying.
Among the most annoying, though they are edged out by Old Navy ads (though those are annoying year-round), are the jewelry commercials.
The one that bothers me the most is the one with the guy asking his wife/girlfriend/mistress if she believes in Santa Claus.
Okay, so who thinks the chick is going to say no? It’s frickin’ Christmas, so unless she’s a complete idiot she has to know that he’s leading up to giving her something, and since this is a diamond commercial, she knows it’s going to be expensive.
Here’s a tip; if she thinks it’ll get her a diamond a woman will tell you that she believes in Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, or that swallowing really is good for her complexion.
The whole diamond thing, though, leads me to another issue: completely unrealistic “gift-giving guides.”
Every year different publications, morning TV news magazines, and Web portals put together these lists of the “gifts to get” that are utterly out of whack with reality.
They include items like the flavor-of-the-month notebook computer, iPods (or their equivalent), LCD and Plasma TVs, luxury vehicles and SUVs, and all manner of major purchases that cost hundreds, thousands, and even hundreds of thousands of dollars.
I guess my question about these gift guides are “Who are the people buying these things as gifts, and, more importantly, how do I get on their lists?”
But seriously, are there really people out there, apart from really, really rich people who don’t count as people, as they are, as mentioned, really, really rich people, who buy things like cars for each other?
Most people, I think, spend a couple of hundred dollars for their total shopping list. I really can’t believe that they’re going out and buying cars as gifts. Sure, maybe their taking advantage of the various deals offered at this time of year, but I see that as involving some actual discussion before making the purchase. I really doubt that anyone wakes up Christmas morning to discover that his or her spouse has parked a Jag outside with a bow on it.
Honestly, if I were married and discovered that my wife was cunning and deceitful enough to buy a luxury car without me noticing the hit to our finances, I’d really begin to wonder what else she’s managing to hide.
“Merry Christmas, honey, I bought you a Hummer! And speaking of Hummers, I’ve been giving your best friend Phil one three days a week for the past 10 years! Are you surprised? I’ll bet you’re surprised!”
But hey, I should put aside all of this negativity and surrender myself to the Spirit of the Season, right?
After all, this is the time of year that we all come together despite our differences and realize that no matter who we are, ultimately we all kneel before the same God, even though He takes many forms: Visa, American Express, MasterCard…