This is from the form e-mail I created to send out to my friends to let them know I'd put up a blog. It's a bit...over the top, but it got the point across, I think.
In any case, it was largely met with approval and an appropriate level of amusement, so I thought I should add it to the blog to preseve it for posterity.
My favorite line, by the way, is the one about "screaming in a paroxysm of joy."
The subject line of the e-mail was "Because you demanded it!"
Does this sound familiar?
There you are, surfing the Web, waxing the floors, walking the dog, brushing your teeth, trimming the hedges, or cheating on your spouse, when suddenly you think, "Gee, I wonder what Jon is up to?"
The thought eats away at you, keeping you up at night, leaving you feeling empty and restless, taking all of the joy out of your life. Food loses it's flavor. Your sex life fizzles. Your children lose all respect for you. You fall behind on your bills. You develop an eating disorder. In desperation you consider turning to heroin, but nothing will shut out that demanding, insistent thought: what is Jon doing right now?
You go to work, but you can't concentrate, all of your focus diverted toward one all-consuming thought.
"If only I knew what Jon was thinking. Then I wouldn't be lost in this haze, dimly aware of the sound of my boss yelling at me, or the sight of pedestrians and bike messengers diving for cover as I weave carelessly through traffic."
But how, you ask?
"How," you demand of the unresponsive heavens, "how can I find out what's happening in Jon's life?"
Then a thought occurs to you, forcing its way through the briars and brambles of the obsession that has taken over your mind.
"If only," you gasp in desperation, "if only Jon had a blog!"
But how can you make this happen? How can you get the message to Jon? As you prepare to take a bus full of Lithuanian tourists hostage in order to demand that Jon create a blog, you see this link in an e-mail:
http://bifrosts-edge.blogspot.com/
"Oh, sweet, merciful Jesus!" you scream, in a paroxysm of joy that you later reluctantly admit you found strangely erotic, "Jon has created a blog!"
So put away those guns and that C4! Put an end to those hunger strikes! Cancel those plans to launch a major assault on the GOP National Convention!
Jon has created a blog!
At long last you can have instant access to information about Jon, what he's thinking, what he's eating, what he's wearing, who he's romantically linked with this week (Is it Jennifer Garner? Angelina Jolie? Absolutely no one, the same way it's been for nearly a decade?).
Yes, your answers to all of these questions and more, when Jon feels like updating it, can be found at:
http://bifrosts-edge.blogspot.com/
I can honestly say, without hyperbole, or fear of contradiction, that this is the greatest thing that ever happened in the history of the universe! Ever!*
Don't delay! Operators are standing by!
Offer void where prohibited. Results may vary.**
*Claims may be slightly exaggerated and are no guarantee of satisfaction or even interest on your part.
**The blog will most likely bore you to tears.
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