Monday, October 04, 2010

Great Moments In Snark

I went to Kings Dominion (an amusement park) with Scott, Stacy, Jamie, Casey, and the associated packs of children on Saturday.
It was a good time - it's been far too long since I've gotten a roller coaster fix.*
It did make for a long day, though, and it took a lot out of me.
At one point while were standing in line for a ride, I noticed this pack of young guys who were the most stereotypical rednecks I've ever seen in my life. One of them was wearing a T-shirt that had a picture of a hunter shooting a deer with the charming message "Take a Dirt Nap," and yet another went full-on Larry the Cable Guy with a sleeveless flannel shirt. The other was a redneck version of an ironic hipster, what with his Wayne's World shirt (featuring Garth) and Haggar slacks.
There was aslo a fat guy to complete the set.
After taking some time to take it all in, I turned to Scott and said - and I have to admit, I'm pretty proud of this bit of snark - "It's going to be really exciting for those guys when Kevin Bacon moves to their town and they're allowed to dance again."
Yes, I know; I'm being unfairly judgmental. Well...tough. After all, beyond their appearances, two of them clearly demonstrated just how red their necks were as we got closer to getting on the actual ride.
It was a ride that mos of the kids could go on, and the ratio of kids to adults was such that one of them (Scarlett) had to ride with me - the ride itself was a two-person bobsled sort of thing - and at first it seemed as though the rednecks were being polite, as they sacrificed their places in line ahead of us so that Scott, Scarlett, Zoe, and I could all ride at the same time. However, I thought that it was kind of odd how the one in front of me - the hipster - seemed kind sort of insistent and almost on the verge of panic when it came to letting Scarlett and I get in front of him. That was when I noticed the black girl in front of me. Similarly, in Scott and Zoe's queue, Larry the Cable Guy had moved back to avoid having to share the ride with a black girl.
So, yeah.
It's worth noting that I'm just as snarky - perhaps snarkier - when presented with the worst examples of my own kind, like a couple of weeks ago when I was the comic shop and there was this huge - figuratively and literally - nerd who appeared to be in his late 40s or early 50s wearing a blue T-shirt with matching sweatpants, hiked up to Urkel levels. My immediate thought was that he lives with his mother, who, if she isn't already, is most likely going to end up as a mummified corpse in a house dress sitting in a rocking chair.
(Seriously, except for the hair - he had a non-blue combover - the guy looked like Blueberry Johnson.)
Anyway, on another ride earlier in the day, Scott and I had noticed a girl who was a dead ringer for Snooki. I was saddened by this because there's no way to look that much like Snooki accidentally, which meant that this girl consciously chose to look like Snooki, and that she feels that Snooki is someone worth emulating. So there was the whole weeping for the future thing, but also, it annoys me that my brain is receptive enough to pop culture effluence that I even know who Snooki is in the first place.
Stupid brain.
When I got home, there was a call on my Caller ID from a "Longest, John," which made me laugh, though it would have been funnier if his first name had been "Johnson." I assumed that it was a failed attempt at dialing the pharmacy, so I was surprised to see that I actually had a voicemail from Longest, John(son).
The content of the message:

(The dessicated voice of a truly ancient-sounding woman with a cartoonish Southern drawl)
"Hello, Dorothy! How are you today? This is Martha Longest. I hope you have a wonderful day."

*Why are people so surprised to learn that I like roller coasters? I knew someone years ago who said that it's because roller coasters are likely to make you giddy, and that she assumed I was fundamentally opposed to giddiness. She was also stunned the first time she saw me drunk because I was giggling. Look, just because I don't have it very often doesn't mean that I have anything against fun.

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