Thursday, February 07, 2013

Hate In An Elevator

A List of My 5 "Favorite" Kinds Of People I Encounter In and Around Elevators.

5.  The Garfields
I refer to them as such because they remind me of those stuffed Garfield figures with the suction cups on their paws that people used to stick in their car windows back in the 80s.
Basically, they're people who are waiting to get onto an elevator, and they're standing there with their faces pressed right against the doors so that as soon as it opens you, as a passenger on the elevator, are basically greeted with this:

They love getting on an elevator as much as Garfield loves lasagna, apparently.

4.  The Loiterers
These people hang out near the elevators as though they're waiting for an elevator to arrive, so, if you're in the lobby and have nowhere to go but up, you assume that there's no need for you to push the button.
But it's a trick.  They're just hanging out, are not waiting for an elevator, and have not pushed the button, and after a while you realize that you've been standing there like a jackass waiting for an elevator that will either never arrive or will only arrive by random chance.
For bonus points, they'll stand so that they obscure your view of the call button so that you can't see that it isn't lit up.

3.  The Barricaders
There are two varieties of Barricaders: 
The people who are actually going to be the very last ones to get off the elevator but they stand in front of the doors in the way of everyone who's getting off before them.

The people who get out of the elevator so slowly that by the time they've finally gotten out of your way so that you can get in, the doors have closed behind them and shut you out.

2.  The VIPs
These people are important!  They need to get to their floor ASAP!  They're in such a hurry that when the elevator stops at your floor and they're continuing on, they'll begin hitting the button to close the doors before they've even finished opening.

1,  The Optimists
We live in the future!  What with computers and the Internet and iPhones, elevators are so sophisticated that they just know what floor you're going to without you having to push a button!  I mean, they do that, right?  Right?
I do actually enjoy the Optimists, because they frequently provide me with a certain amount of schadenfreude.
For example, an Optimist gets on the elevator on the ground floor and is heading to the second floor.  But of course, the elevator already knows that, so the Optimist isn't going to be a chump like that idiot who just went through all the bother of pushing the button for the tenth floor.
By the time the elevator has sped past the second floor, the Optimist realizes that something must be wrong with the elevator's mind-reading circuits, and begins to desperately push the button for the second floor, because the "reverse course" circuitry and the retrorockets are most likely working properly, and there's no way the Optimist will have to go all the way up to ten and then ride back down again, right?

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