Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Red Light, Yellow Light, Green Light...What Do I Do For Green?

What I imagine goes on in the minds of the people ahead of me at stoplights:

"If I recall my driver's education training, I believe that the red light indicates that I should come to a stop.  Looking around at the behavior of the drivers in the other lanes, it appears I have 'nailed it,' as the young people say, and that stopping was indeed the correct course of action.  And now I believe I'm meant to wait for the light to change to a different color, at which point - ah, the light is no longer red.  What does the green symbolize?  My driver's education instructor, Mr. Wolfram, had something to say on this very subject.  I recall that spring day when we discussed this.  Jenny Watkins was in the class with me.  All these years later, I realize that I underestimated Jenny's value as a person, but I was, I must admit, a shallow young man, and so I couldn't see past the thick glasses and crooked teeth to truly appreciate what a remarkable young woman she was.  I saw Jenny some years back, and she had blossomed into a solidly-attractive woman who - ah, but I digress.  Green, I believe, indicates that I should resume moving.  It may well be that the drivers behind me, who remember their driving lessons better than I, have sussed this out much more rapidly, and, bearing the burdens that come with having a higher intelligence than the barely-literate masses, are expressing their impatience with my intransigence utilizing the noisemakers their automobiles are equipped with as a standard feature.  Their horns, as they are known.  I beg your indulgence, fellow travelers!  However, you should be aware that your destinations will likely still be there to be reached once we do finally resume our journey.  I assure you that your impatience will not get you there any faster!  Now, to the task at hand, or, to foot, if I may be so bold as to coin a phrase!  Ha, wordplay!  Still, I must perform the functions that will allow me to comply with the demands of the verdant light that shines at me most insistently.  To that end, I should remove my foot from the pedal which, through a system of connections I don't fully understand, activates the braking mechanism that arrests the movement of the wheels of my conveyance.  Accomplishing that, I must then apply pressure to its companion, thus initiating forward movement via the delivery of fuel to the internal combustion engine that serves to provide this vehicle with the ability to move under its own power.  If I recall correctly, the internal combustion engine was invented in - ah, and the light has transformed its hue once again!  A distinct shade of yellow.  Now, as I learned on that day in class with young Jenny Watkins..."


"What a beautiful shade of green!  I'm going to just sit here and admire it for a while, as it may be the prettiest color ever!  Oh!  What beautiful sounds the horns of the other cars make!  This is the most perfect moment in my life, and I never want it to end.  I could happily spend the rest of the day without moving from this spot!"


"The light has turned green.  Green means go...ahead and just hang out for a little while and think about your life and where you're headed.  Not where you're literally headed, of course, because if you're thinking about that you might actually start driving forward when the light turns green, but in a more spiritual sense."


"Siri, what does a green light mean?"
I have something for you.
"That can't be right.  Text Amanda and ask her what a green light means."
Do you want me to send a message to a man about light green beans?
"No, I want - never mind.  I'll just text her myself."

hay wut duz a grn lt mean?
-idk lol
-where r u?
driving on 7
-just saw something about someone getting in a accident cuz of texting on 7
lmao  people r so dum.  probably some stupid text about nothing.
-i know!!!
glad im not dum liek that
-ya ur a fucking moron
-i mean smart
-stupid autocorrect

1 comment:

Merlin T Wizard said...

Nailed it.