Wednesday, August 08, 2012

Strategic Flab Reserves

Me:  Hey there, Flab.  How's it going?
Flab:  Hey, Jon!  No complaints here.
Me:  Good,'re not feeling, I don't know, uncomfortable?  Unwelcome?
Flab:  Nah.  I'm perfectly content, thanks.
Me:  So all that exercising I've been doing hasn't been disturbing you or making you uncomfortable.
Flab:  Oh, is that what that is?  Honestly, I've barely noticed.
Me:  Oh.
Flab:  I mean, sometimes, if I'm paying attention, I notice some sort of activity.  When I do, it's actually kind of fun.  Just bouncing around and jiggling like that.
Me:  Hm.
Flab:  Of course, now that you mention it, I have noticed that there's a little bit more of that...oh, what's the word?  The hard stuff that's not bone or flab.  Mucus?  Definitely an "M" word.
Me:  Muscle.
Flab:  Right, right.  Muscle.  There's a little bit - just the tiniest bit - more of that around, way, way, way down at the bottom of me.  I mean, it's buried deep under me, but it's there.
Me:  Hm.
Flab:  I have to admit that it made me a little nervous at first.  I've heard this muscle stuff, like, feeds on fat or something.
Me:  That's the theory, yeah.
Flab:  But your muscles?  They don't seem the least bit interested in me.  They're all "live and let live."  Frankly, I think they like having me wrapped around them.  I'm like a security blanket.
Me:  Hm.
Flab:  Other than that I noticed that when you're standing up straight I do end up getting stretched rather thin...if you'll forgive the expression!
Me:  Funny.
Flab:  Thanks.  Anyway, as soon as you sit down, gravity takes back over and I just spill out in every direction and it's just like old times.  After all, there's still plenty of me left in the strategic flab reserves around your midsection and your butt.  Enough to last a lifetime.
Flab:  Well, certainly enough to last for what's left of  your lifetime.  After all, that time bomb you call a heart is still ticking away in your chest, and I don't imagine we'll have to wait too terribly long before it goes off.
Me:  ...
Flab:  Anyway, I guess if I had any request for you it would be "Sit down more."
Me:  I'll see what I can do.
Flab:  You do that.  And you don't have to worry about sitting down on that hard muscle stuff - I'm in that area in full force to provide cushioning.


lbugsh2 said...

flab what flab.

Jon-Paul Maki said...

The flab that's spilling over my waistband as I sit here - on a cushion of additional flab - typing this.