And if there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may.
-Tool, "The Patient"
I listened to this song on my way in to work this morning, primarily because I've had part of it repeating in my head for...well, for years, honestly, but rather more steadily and insistently for the past couple of days: "Is this a test? It has to be. Otherwise I can't go on."
However, upon listening to it, the excerpt above is what really stood out for me, particularly as there is no loving embrace to see me through, and it seems less and less likely that there is any sort of reward to reap.
And yet, well, in the words of the song, I'm gonna wait it out....
I'm not sure if it was listening to the song that set the pace for the day, or if it was a bit of prescience on my part that led me to listen to it in the first place, but it was much more of an "and I still may" kind of day.
Not that there was any one thing about the day, but...okay, that's a lie. There kind of was one thing, but I'm not going to talk about it here, so you might as well just choose to believe the lie, and accept that there were multiple reasons for it to be that kind of day.
And it's not a complete lie anyway; there really were a lot of factors that went into making it that kind of day, it's just that, even in sum, they wouldn't have really been enough without that other thing.
So, yeah. Rough, tedious, time to consider walking away sort of day.
But I guess I'm gonna wait it out.
Maybe it's just because I got up even earlier than usual, though I hardly think ten minutes could make that much of a difference.
Still, I do feel exhausted, and am seriously considering going to bed in the next few minutes.
In any case, that's my downbeat entry for the day.