Sunday, September 27, 2009

Not Following The Script

“Hi, Jon!”
“Umm...hello.”
“How are you today? How’s the comic book organizing going?”
“I...uh...I’m kind of taking a break from that while I figure out the best approach to organizing them. Listen, I hate to ask but...do I know you?”
“Duh! I’m The Girl.”
“The Girl?”
“Yeah, you know, like in movies. I’m your platonic girl friend, or the barista at the coffee shop that you talk to every day. The one who totally has the hots for you and gives out obvious signals to that effect, but you don’t notice me pining for you because you’re too caught up in pining for the shallow, superficial, mega-hottie Dream Girl.”
“Umm...?”
“Eventually you’ll get with the Dream Girl and you’ll realize that she isn’t everything you made her out to be in your imagination and you’ll have, like, an epiphany and you’ll realize that what you’ve been looking for has been right under your nose the whole time, and there’ll be some big dramatic scene where you’re out looking for me and you find me and then we – “
“I don’t really have a platonic girl friend in my life right now. And I don’t drink coffee, so...”
“It doesn’t matter! Look, every nerdy lonely guy has a The Girl. Don’t you watch movies?”
“Well, yes, but – “
“And while they’re pining for the Dream Girl who is simultaneously out of their league yet paradoxically not good enough for them, there’s some plain or “movie ugly” The Girl who is exactly what they’re looking for just waiting in the wings for them to notice.”
“I mean, sure, that’s how it works in the movies, but –“
“I am your The Girl! We share common interests, and I’ll flirt with you in this endearingly shy, but totally-obvious-to-everyone-but-you kind of way, and listen to your problems , and laugh at your jokes, and even though it’s killing me inside to think about you being with the Dream Girl, I’ll give you advice on how to land her because all I care about is your happiness.”
“Umm, I think I would have noticed if there were someone like that in my life.”
“How could you possibly notice me? I’m The Girl, not the Dream Girl. Physically I’m totally unremarkable.”
“But you look kind of like Rachael Leigh Cook, and – “
“Duh! I’m wearing glasses. Movie ugly, remember? And the Dream Girl is a blonde. Seriously, a blonde!”
“I don’t care if you’re wearing a Phyllis Diller fright wig. You look like Rachael Leigh Cook, so it’s simply impossible that I could know you and not notice you or be attracted to you. And all other things being equal I’ll pick a brunette over a blonde every time.”
“But she’s the Dream Girl!”
“Who? Who’s the Dream Girl? I can tell you that right now I’m not actually pining for anyone. There is no Dream Girl. And if there were a Dream Girl, odds are she’d look like Rachael Leigh Cook.”
“*Sigh* Did you or did you not watch Observe and Report last night?”
“I did, but I don’t see –“
“And was Seth Rogen pining for blonde Dream Girl Anna Faris in it?”
“Sure, that was a major plot point, but – “
“And was there or was there not this movie ugly girl working in the mall food court who was obviously interested in him, despite the fact that he wasn’t just a lonely weirdo, he was actually dangerously psychotic?”
“Well, yes, and that’s one of the many problems I had with –“
“If a chubby, deranged weirdo has a The Girl, wouldn’t you think it would make sense that you would have one of your own? I mean, you’ve got your flaws, but you’re not a violent, mentally ill time bomb waiting to go off.”
“That’s what I keep saying about the time bomb thing, but people still insist on – wait, you’re getting me all turned around. Movies are movies and life is life, and they seldom bear much more than a passing resemblance to each other. Just because virtually every movie makes use of the whole Dream Girl/The Girl trope doesn’t mean that every lonely dork in the world has his soulmate standing in front of him patiently waiting for him to notice while he’s staring off into the horizon in search of some unobtainable perfect woman.”
“You just don’t get it, do you? Either every lonely nerd has a The Girl, or virtually every movie and TV show ever made was simplistic, unrealistic, and just plain wrong.”
“Exactly.”
“Listen, you’re pining for a Dream Girl.”
“I’m really not.”
“Eventually you’re going to realize that she’s wrong for you and I’ll be here waiting.”
“I really don’t think so.”
“Too bad, mister, because I’m not going anywhere. I await your disillusionment and epiphany.”
“Well, seeing as how you don’t actually exist, I guess that’s fine.”
“You know what? Let me just check something. Okay, page fifteen of the script...oh. Oh!”
“What?”
“Umm, nothing. Look, I should go.”
“You’re leaving? I thought you were going to wait on my disillusionment and subsequent epiphany.”
“Yeah, well, the thing is...”
“What?”
“I didn’t realize you were that Jon. You were right. There is no unobtainable Dream Girl that you’re pining for.”
“Told you.”
“And it says here that even if there were one...well, unlike the utter losers and psychopaths in the movies, there’s no way you would ever manage to hook up with her. Any scenario in which you could possibly hook up with a mega-hottie Dream Girl is...well, it’s too unlikely for even the most insipid and unlikeliest of romantic comedies.”
“Oh.”
“And there is no The Girl in her right mind who would be even remotely interested in–“
“Okay, I think you can stop there.”
“Sorry. Well, I’ll see you. I mean, just as an expression. Obviously I won’t actually see you because – “
“Just go!”

2 comments:

Merlin T Wizard said...

Sooooo, Observe and Report...

Not that good, eh?

Heimdall said...

Meh, not that good. I mean, I knew it wasn't going to be your standard Seth Rogen comedy, having more in common with Taxi Driver than Knocked Up, but even so...meh.