Thursday, July 24, 2008

Blocked! or You Probably Don't Want To Read This, Mom

Warning: Before reading this entry you should be advised that it contains gratuitous use of the word “cock,” and not in reference to the other term for a rooster. So if you’re offended by the word cock, you probably shouldn’t read this, because, seriously, the word cock is going to appear many times, though mostly in the form of the word cockblocker, as in one who blocks cocks. If cock isn’t a word that you want to see repeated over again – like this: cock cock cock cock cock – it would really be a cock-up, as the British say, for you to read this entry that’s positively overflowing with the word cock.

I’m not sure when the phrase cockblocker entered the lexicon, and perhaps it marks me as naïve and less than worldly – bear in mind that I don’t get out much – but I first encountered the word in 2001.
Now, while I did not know that there was a word for it, I was, as most guys are, familiar with the concept, and when I did hear the word mentioned, I immediately grasped – so to speak – what it meant, and understood just how accurately descriptive a term it really was.
While the meaning should be obvious, a cockblocker is someone who, well, blocks your cock. That is to say that a cockblocker is someone who, through various means, prevents a guy from getting laid.
A few years ago there were a series of ads – I believe they were for Axe body spray – that described the various kinds of “game killers” that exist in the world. They were, of course, talking about cockblockers, but they couldn’t actually say cockblocker on TV or in most print ads. I’m not sure how many varieties they identified, but there were considerably more game killers in their classification system than can be found in my classification system for cockblockers.
However, they were using a different classification system, and, essentially, every type of game killer was simply a variation on one the three types of cockblockers in my taxonomic scheme.
Before I get into describing the three basic types of cockblockers, I’ll go off on a bit of a tangent and relate the story of how I first encountered the term.
In early 2001 I was living in Tucson, Arizona, and working as a desktop publisher for a local free publication on the afternoon shift from 4:00 PM to 1:30 AM.
One of the guys I worked with also worked part-time at a hospital, and despite the demands this placed on his time, he always managed to find time to cheat on his live-in girlfriend, who was also the mother of his child.
At some point he set me up on a blind date with one of his hospital co-workers. After what seemed like a successful first date, there were various obstacles that prevented us from getting together for a second, until I suggested that she come by my work some evening so that we could go out for dinner on my lunch break.
The girl that my co-worker was banging on the side worked at the hospital, and was friends with the girl I was attempting to date, so, upon hearing about our plans, she invited herself along so that she could spend some time him, and so it ended up being a double date.
We all went to a nearby bar and restaurant for dinner, which, as I was only about 6 months into my sobriety at the time, made me uncomfortable, which served to exacerbate my social awkwardness.
Added to that was the fact that the other three all worked together and had known each other for quite some time, so for most of the date I sat in uncomfortable silence while the three of them chatted merrily away about people, places, and events that I was completely unfamiliar with.
At the center of it all was my co-worker who, apparently oblivious to the fact that he was monopolizing my date’s time, sat there in the spotlight happily absorbing the attention he was getting from his date and mine.
When we returned to work, one of our co-workers asked how it went, and I said, “Well, he had two great dates,” to which our co-worker responded, “So, he was being a cockblocker, huh?”
“Yes,” I said, soaking up the word. “He was being a cockblocker.”
(For the record, I acknowledge my culpability in failing to hold my date’s attention, but the fact remains that my co-worker made no effort to shift the focus away from himself, even though it should have been apparent to him that I really needed him to do so.)
So that was my introduction to the term.
As time progressed, I began to notice just how pervasive cockblockery is in society, and eventually identified the three basic types, which I will now describe.

The Competitive Cockblocker:
The name speaks for itself. This is someone who will block your cock in order to clear the path for his own. He will do anything and everything in his power to ensure the successful deflection of your cock.
By way of example, several years ago I was in competition with two friends for the affections of a young lady. One of those friends, carrying the competition too far, actually told the young lady in question that myself and our other friend were gay, and were, in fact, a couple. It was a gambit that didn’t pay off, and one he completely denied engaging in, but it serves as a perfect demonstration of just how far the Competitive Cockblocker will go. To give the anecdote some closure, the friend who told the gay story later came to realize that he himself was gay, and my alleged partner ended up being the one to successfully navigate his cock past both of us, which is just as well, as it turns out she was a cokehead and managed to get him hooked.

The Oblivious Cockblocker:
This is someone who is not actively attempting to block your cock, but still manages to do exactly that. The Oblivious Cockblocker is totally unaware of the fact that you’re attempting to score, so it never even occurs to him or her to get the fuck away and leave you to it. The most common types of Oblivious Cockblockers are people who are drunk off their asses or who are extraordinarily friendly and chatty and just want to hang out and join in the conversation.
As a case in point, my aforementioned co-worker was this type of cockblocker; he wasn’t actively attempting to block me, but his need to be the center of attention and to feed his ego prevented him from getting out of my way.

The Malicious Cockblocker:
This is someone who deliberately blocks your cock for no damn reason other than the simple pleasure of executing a successful block. The Malicious Cockblocker is the worst kind of cockblocker, simply because the cockblocking is utterly inexcusable. At least the Competitive Cockblocker can be viewed as a worthy opponent, and the Oblivious Cockblocker is, well, oblivious. But the Malicious Cockblocker? Just a straight up asshole.

One could argue for a fourth type of cockblocker, namely the Protective Cockblocker. This is someone who is blocking your cock because he or she simply doesn’t want you to successfully hit your target because he or she wants to protect your target from you. The Protective Cockblocker could be the target’s parents or friends who view you as a morning after regret just waiting to happen, and so work to keep your cock at bay.
However, I would maintain that the Protective Cockblocker is merely a subset of the Malicious Cockblocker, and not a distinct variety in and of itself.
There is, of course, some amount of overlap between the three basic types, and it should be noted that while cockblocking is an activity primarily engaged in by the male of the species, women are often just as guilty of cockblocking, often for reasons that are utterly incomprehensible to the blockee.
In his comment on my previous post, Scott actually brought to my attention the existence of a sort of Meta cockblocker, which is what inspired me to write this post.
(That’s right; if you’ve found this entry offensive, blame Scott.)
I’ve dubbed this variety of cockblocker the Preemptive Cockblocker.
This is someone – a father, an ex-boyfriend – who does something, or multiple somethings, to mess up a woman’s head so badly that she develops a kind of tunnel vision that leads her to only be attracted to a certain type of guy. If you are not that type of guy, you will have no chance whatsoever with this woman, even if there are no cockblockers actively standing in your way. It’s as if she has a cockblocking force field.
It may even be that she’s not attracted to any type of guy, and will herself deflect anyone who attempts to get close to her.
This type of cockblocker is the most insidious and one for whom there is no way to defeat, as he is no longer physically present. It’s not really even possible to see that he is a cockblocker when he actually is present, as his behavior would more likely identify him as a douchebag. Thus, a Preemptive Cockblocker can only be identified after the fact.

So there you have it; my take on the cockblocking phenomenon.
Now, it may be that you view this as all being more than a little misogynistic, as, after all, some of the language used objectifies women as nothing more than “targets” for guided phallic missiles.
To that I would say, first of all, lighten the fuck up. This isn’t some serious academic treatise on social dynamics, it’s mostly a joke. Maybe you don’t find it funny, but not funny is not the same as misogynistic.
Secondly, any interaction between men and women in a romantic context is, ultimately, marked by sexual desire on the part of at least one of the participants, and, statistically speaking, the odds are that it’s going to be on the part of the male, and will, therefore, involve the male part.
Certainly it’s true that sexual conquest may not be the only goal – or even the primary goal – in such an interaction, but it will always be a component.
Because I was aiming for a kind of crude, lowbrow humor, I used the most crass terms possible, but you could just as easily apply my observations in a more high-minded manner, and could use more flowery language, describing the respective types of cockblockers as “Romantic Rivals,” “Romantic Obstacles,” and “Enemies of Romance,” or whatever else you can think of. Ultimately you would be describing the same thing: people who, through various means and for various reasons, prevent a man and a woman from forming some kind of connection.
At this point, I should probably outline some of the strategies for effectively circumcising circumventing the various types of cockblockers, but, as should be apparent to anyone who knows me, I don’t have any.
I suppose you could say that there’s yet another type of Meta cockblocker: the Self-Cockblocker.
In conclusion, I can only say that no matter how offended you may be by this entry, you should count your blessings, as, after all, I didn’t include visual aids.


Merlin T Wizard said...

Consider my blessings counted, then. What with the three obvious cockblockers and the two much more insidious and effective meta-cockblockers, it's a wonder anybody ever hooks up at all.

Heimdall said...

Well, as I said, I don't have any effective anti-cockblocker strategies, but that doesn't mean that other people don't.