If there were a TV show based on my life...well, it would have extremely low ratings and would be canceled after, at most, two episodes, and would probably run as a mid-season replacement or during the summer.
However, that’s not the point, so let me start again.
If there were a TV show based on my life, I think the ideal theme song for it would be Every Day is Exactly the Same by Nine Inch Nails.
The opening line says it all: I believe I can see the future ‘cause I repeat the same routine.
(As for the visual that would run in the opening title sequence, you would see an endless chain of Jons following the same paths over and over again.)
It seemed an appropriate thought, given that today is Groundhog’s Day and the movie of that title explored the idea of the same day being repeated endlessly.
They could have just filmed me and made it a documentary.
Of course, yesterday was a little different from most days, though not really in a good way, or a bad way, really. It was just different in a way.
Nita, the person whose position I took, is pregnant, and yesterday there was a surprise baby shower held for her.
I ended up being much more involved in the shower than seems likely or even sensible.
Honestly, baby showers are something that should be thrown by girlfriends and should not involve male co-workers you barely know, particularly when said male co-worker, like me, really doesn’t care.
I mean, sure, you’re having a baby. Wonderful. Congratulations. And?
Sure, it’s a miracle – a slimy, gross, fairly mundane miracle, given that it happens all the time – but it’s not like I’m going to squeal with girlish delight at the prospect of seeing little baby booties or whatever the hell it is that people get so excited about.
Certainly as the new guy it’s nice to be included in events, but really, my total involvement should have been to show up and, grudgingly, provide a gift.
As far as the gift goes, I went to her Target registry online, found something suitable – not too expensive but not cheap – and confirmed that it was available in the store, then drove to Target to pick it up, only to discover that the claim that it was available in the store was a complete fabrication. It’s not that they were sold out, it was that they didn’t even sell the product there.
Not knowing what else to buy, I left, annoyed, and decided to just pitch in towards the group gift.
Shortly before the shower I got drafted as food bitch and had to go pick up the pizzas.
(The worst part was that no one even noticed my clever bon mot about how the hot pizzas had steamed up my car windows like two teenagers at Make Out Point, even though I threw it out there twice. Also, I ended up having a hungry ride home, as my car still smelled like pizza at the end of the day.)
From there I was drafted to haul in the group gift (a car seat), and help rearrange the tables and chairs.
At the shower itself I even participated in two of the three games. One was a “baby words” word jumble – I got 14 out of 20 – and the other was a baby name game in which we had to take the names of the mom and dad (Nita and Rick) and use letters from them to come up with baby names. Specifically boys’ names, as they’re having a boy. “Art” never occurred to me, but “Nick” did.
The only other name I could come up with marked me – appropriately enough, I suppose – as a weirdo: Cain.
Somehow this went over a little worse than “Rat,” which someone else came up with.
I hadn’t intended to actually share my list, but someone who’d noticed what I’d written felt the need to point it out.
Oh well.
I didn’t participate in the “diaper game,” as I have no eye (or nose) for identifying melted candy bars.
Yesterday was “Jersey Day” at work, though apparently it wasn’t intended as a venue for us to show our appreciation for the Garden State, but rather to showcase our enthusiasm for some sort of sporting event. Apparently there’s some major soccer match or something happening tomorrow.
I didn’t participate in that, as I have neither a jersey nor any enthusiasm for sporting events.
And yes, I do know that tomorrow is Super Bowl Sunday. In fact, I’m going to take advantage of that fact to do my grocery shopping while everyone else is at home watching TV.
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