Sunday, May 01, 2005

Buck Up, Little Shaver: Some Advice To The Fiance Of The Runaway Bride

By now everyone is probably familiar with the case of the real-life “Runaway Bride,” Jennifer Wilbanks.
If not, here’s a brief recap: days before her wedding was scheduled Wilbanks disappeared while jogging. Friends and family immediately feared the worst, and the media, sensing a juicy new story, especially since the missing woman was attractive (and white), hoped that the groom-to-be was the next Scott Peterson. That it all was happening right before the wedding made it that much juicier.
On the day of the wedding Wilbanks was found in Albuquerque, New Mexico, claiming to have been abducted by a man and a woman in a blue van.
After a brief round of questioning, Wilbanks admitted that she had taken off on her own, as she had cold feet about the wedding.
Thanks to the timing of her disappearance, that had been my suspicion all along, though most people seemed to have made the Peterson connection immediately.
In any case, the couple is now reunited, and John Mason, the fiancé, has stated that the wedding, which was originally to take place yesterday, has simply been postponed, not cancelled.
If that’s true, and Mason isn’t simply trying to avoid looking like a callous jerk right now and is planning to dump her after the media coverage dies down, I have some advice for him.
Personally, regardless of how it would look, I would just dump the crazy bitch. I honestly don’t think that anyone could fault you. After all, she humiliated you in front of the entire world. First people thought that you were some evil Scott Peterson wannabe, and then, after they found out that you didn’t kill her and that she had simply ditched you, you ended up looking like some pathetic, jilted ass clown whose fiancée couldn’t get away from fast enough.
But despite that, as they say, there’s no such thing as bad publicity, so now that your name and your face are out there the odds are you could get some serious play. I’m sure there’s all kinds of crazy chicks who would happily throw themselves at you just because they saw you on TV. And if nothing else, you could probably milk the whole humiliation thing to get some pity sex.
But hey, if it’s true love and you still want to marry her in spite of it all, there are some things you need to keep in mind.
After all, unless you play your cards right, she will own you. I mean, she ditched you and humiliated you in front of the whole world, and yet you still married her. Oh yeah; she’ll be convinced that you’re her bitch.
You can’t let that happen. You have to turn things to your advantage.
Think about the leverage you have:

“Honey, will you take out the trash?”
“Oh, sure. Hey, remember that time when you emasculated me in front of the whole world? That was fun.”
“…never mind, I’ll get it.”

“I can’t believe you bought a big-screen TV without consulting me!”
“Gee, I’m sorry. I can’t believe that you convinced the world that I was some evil, fiancée-murdering bastard without consulting me.”
“…the TV will look really nice over there.”

And if you decide to stay out all night with the boys sometime, what’s she going to say about it?
Also, consider the kind of leverage you’ll have in the bedroom:

“I have a headache.”
“Really? Does it hurt as much as when you ripped my heart out of my chest live on CNN?”

And, you know, if there were certain other activities you wanted to talk her into…well, you know what I’m saying...
Anyway, the point is that now that life has handed you lemons you need to make lemonade, there is a silver lining to this dark cloud, and you just have to realize that you do have some options available to you.
Good luck.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

see... that's my point exactly. Heterosexual marriage just wouldn't work!

I *so* want these boxers...