I’m Not Very Good At This “Time Off” Thing Department:
(The Time: Last Week. The Location: My Director’s Office.)
Director: Jon, you’re doing a great job. (Grabs some sort of Post-It Note and begins writing)
Me: Er, okay…
My Boss: That’s right; we give out coupons now.
Me: (Thinking) This better not be a coupon for a free hug.
Director: What do you want? Do you want to go to lunch?
My Boss: Give him a half a day off.
Director: (Frowns) Which one do you want?
Me: (Gives him the “Is that a serious question"?” look.) Well, food doesn’t really mean that much to me…
My Boss: Did you know he’s completely off meds now? Totally controlling his diabetes with diet and exercise.
My Director: Really? That’s great.
My Boss: We’re so proud of him.
Director. (Faux-grudgingly writes out coupon entitling me to a half a day off) Keep up the good work.
The Post-It Note coupon has pictures of puzzle pieces and the words “You’re an essential piece” on it.
(The Time: Earlier This Week. The Location: My Boss’ Office.)
Me: I’m going to redeem my coupon on Thursday, since I don’t have anything going on that day.
My Boss: Okay.
Somehow, despite taking half a day off, I still ended up putting in 45 hours at work this week. I don’t think I quite have the hang of this whole “taking time off” thing. I can’t even properly take advantage of “Summer Hours,” which allow us to leave work at 3 on Fridays, as I somehow still end up putting in over 8 and a half hours on Fridays even though I do actually leave at 3.
Speaking Of Diet And Exercise Department:
Nurse: (Informing me of the results of my blood test) The doctor says that your cholesterol is good, and that your blood sugar is “almost perfect.”
Swinging The Pendulum Too Far In The Opposite Direction Department:
For years it’s been my belief that a woman flirting with me is something that can’t occur in nature. I have thought, though, that if I’m mistaken in this belief it’s possible that this has led to a kind of cluelessness that has led to missed opportunities.
Lately, as I look in the mirror and consider the dramatic impact that diet and exercise have had on my body – beyond simply allowing me to kick diabetes’ ass – I’ve thought, “Well, maybe it’s possible that some women, sometimes, are possibly flirting with me, at least a little.”
Now, however, I’m beginning to think that perhaps the pendulum has swung too far in the opposite direction and I’m starting to overestimate my appeal, as I find myself thinking, “Is..is she flirting with me?” during pretty much every interaction I have with a woman.
Conversations At Work Department:
Contractor: I want you to give me feedback.
Contractor: Honest feedback. Don’t sugarcoat it.
Me: Yeah…that…that won’t be a problem for me.
Me: Okay, well, I'll leave you interns to talk amongst yourselves.
Intern: You know we're just going to talk about you when you're gone, right?
Me: Well, that will be a pretty boring conversation, then. I'm glad I won't be here for it.
(My Director asks me to do something for our VP)
Me: Okay…but, out of curiosity, what sort of Satanic purpose could this possibly serve?
Director: I don’t know. It falls under the category of “Okay, boss.”
Me: Well, it does for me, too, but…seriously?
Director: Yeah, I know.
Co-Worker: I’ve got a meeting at 9, and then I’ll get you my weekly accomplishments after that.
My Boss: Jon sent me his at like 8:30 last night. (To me) See? I told you that you didn’t have to worry about it and that you could have waited until this morning.
Co-Worker: Trying to be an overachiever?
Me: No, I’m just trying to make everyone else look bad.
My Boss: It’s working.
Good News/Bad News Department:
Good News: My department had a logo design contest and I won!
Bad News: Afterwards it was discovered that corporate policy prohibits internal groups from having their own logo.
Good News: I’m still entitled to the prize: an iPod Nano.
Bad News: I already have an iPod Touch that I rarely use, so the pride of having my design featured on our departmental Web site and emblazoned on shirts, mugs, and other items would have meant a lot more to me.