Why I Heart Slacktivist (And You Should, Too)

I've mentioned Slacktivist here many times, and, in fact, have a link to it over in my Blog Roll.
The main reason I visit Slacktivist so often is the in-depth analysis of the Left Behind series, a series of books set in the near future detailing the events that will occur in the world after The Rapture, that moment when Christ magically whisks all Bible-believing Christians - and children who are younger than a nebulously-defined "age of accountability," including fetuses - up to Heaven, and those of us who don't meet that criteria are "left behind" to suffer through the period of Tribulation that follows until Christ returns to Earth to reign over us all for a thousand years, as is detailed in the Bible.
Except that it isn't. In the Bible, that is.
The concept of The Rapture, as espoused by Pre-Millennial Dispensationalists, such as Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins, the co-authors of the Left Behind books, requires a very tortured, specific, and convoluted reading of the Bible, and a reliance on extra-Biblical authorities, despite the fact that its adherents claim that it comes from a straightforward literal reading of the Bible.
(They keep saying that word, "literal." I do not think it means what they think it means.)
The thing is, despite the fact that these beliefs are held by a relatively small number of Christians - and there is no universal agreement about Biblical interpretation among the adherents of the multiple brands of this theology - the media often accepts these claims as mainstream Christian belief. When the LaHayes of the world say "It's in the Bible," many people just accept that claim as, well, gospel.
(And what is "mainstream Christian belief" anyway? Despite the fact that Protestants outnumber Catholics in America, Catholics are actually the largest single denomination. Does that make Catholic doctrine the mainstream belief? It seems to me that the numbers would suggest that to be the case, but try telling that to a Baptist. Or a Lutheran. Or a Mormon. Or a Methodist. Or a...well, you get the idea.)
This is part of the reason that Fred "Slacktivist" Clark finds the books so onerous. As an Evangelical Christian himself, he is offended - and rightly so - by the assumption that these books, which, inexplicably, are bestellers, represent what he believes, especially given that, from his perspective, the theology they represent is not just wrong but evil.
It doesn't help matters any that the books, judged on their own merits as creative works, are absolutely dreadful.
This is why Fred devoted more than five years to dissecting the first book, several months to dissecting the movie based on the first book, and has now moved on to dissecting the second book.
In any case, all of the above leads me to this, an excerpt from Fred's latest post, examining, with great care, pages 28 through 32 of Tribulation Force, the second book in the series:

I'm just not really clear on how cloistering themselves in Bruce's study every weeknight is supposed to lead, even indirectly, to more churches being started. Studying "prophecy" in an invitation-only small group doesn't seem like an effective church-planting strategy. I guess maybe the "144,000 [singing, virgin] Jews" are supposed to spring up to take care of the front-line work.

"That sounds fantastic," Chloe said. "We should be thrilled."

"I am thrilled," Bruce said. "But there will be little time to rejoice or to rest. Remember the seven Seal Judgments Revelation talks about?" She nodded. "Those will begin immediately, if I'm right. There will be an 18-month period of peace, but in the three months following that, the rest of the Seal Judgments will fall on the earth. ..."

Bruce, like Tim LaHaye, has a way of running off the rails when he gets into the details of his prophecy scheme. One can, in fact, open the book of Revelation and find mentioned there seven "seals" of divine judgment. By mentioning that fact first, Bruce casts a kind of biblical halo over whatever non-sequitur nonsense he says next -- "Remember the seven Seal Judgments Revelation talks about? Well, then Godzilla, lamb chop, munchkin, glockenspiel gumdrop." And everyone nods along as though he was somehow citing chapter and verse with authority.

This is where "Bible prophecy experts" leave me dumbfounded. It's not simply that they're offering some strange interpretation or some overly imaginative exegesis -- they just flat-out make stuff up. Arbitrary, deliriously weird stuff. "Remember the seven Seal Judgments Revelation talks about?" Yes, in fact, I do remember that. It's in Revelation 6. Feel free to read that yourself some time and look for any hint or basis for spinning out this 18-month/3-month business. It can't be found there.

This might sound to you like I'm simply disagreeing with LaHaye/Bruce over the meaning of a passage in our sect's sacred text, but it's much more than that. It's not like a couple of Melville scholars arguing over the meaning of the whiteness of the whale. It's more like encountering a supposed Melville scholar who tells you that Moby Dick is mainly about killer robot ninjas from outer space.

That last line is, in a nutshell, why I heart Slacktivist. Throw in the frequent references to comic books, science fiction, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and you begin to understand why I'm hoping to live long enough to see Fred make his slow, careful way through all sixteen of the books and the two (so far) remaining movies. At the rate he's going, that's unlikely to happen, but even so, I will keep going back every Friday for my Left Behind fix.
But really, that's only part of it. There is much to recommend regular readings of Slacktivist. I don't always agree with the points Fred makes in his posts - How could I? He is, after all, an Evangelical Christian - but you can be certain that he always makes those points brilliantly and hilariously.
And the posts themselves are, again, only part of the appeal. The comments demostrate that some of the smartest, coolest, weirdest, and most diverse people in the world are just as enamored of the works of Slacktivist as I am.
So I heart Slacktivist. And you should, too.

A Life Spent In Darkness, Then Death: Part Two

Here are the rest of the pictures from our plumbing adventure. In the first you can see the fancy flapperless system.
In the second, you see Jon kneeling before the throne like a proud parent. Honestly, I haven't spent that much time on my knees in front of a toilet since I quit drinking.
In the final picture you can see the tattered remains of my old - probably even older than I am - eco-hostile toilet, awaiting its final fate.

A Life Spent In Darkness, Then Death: Part One

Yesterday, as planned, Scott and I replaced the toilet in my downstairs bathroom.
While at Home Depot we ran through a checklist of all the things we'd need, and got to the question of whether or not I should get another supply line. We thought about getting one just in case, but ultimately - and foolishly - I decided against it. After all, I knew that I would end up being wrong no matter what I decided, and we left Home Depot fully expecting to have to retrun at least once.
Replacing a toilet is a pretty straightforward process.
Unless, of course, you happen to be Jon.
(Or Scott, for that matter. And it holds especially true if you're Jon and Scott.)
The first obstacle we encountered was the fact that the water supply absolutely would not shut off completely, thus the whole time we were working there was a constant flow of water pouring out of the supply line.
The second obstacle was actually removing the supply line from the tank, a task that ultimately proved impossible, and so we were soon on our way to buy that extra supply line that I didn't need. Fortunately it proved to be the only return trip we had to make to Home Depot.
Once we got back we simply removed the supply line from the supply itself, hauled the tank outside - not bothering to put down the plastic I'd bought for that purpose and dripping some black nastiness directly on the carpet - and removed the bowl.
There are two words to describe the site that greeted us when we removed the bowl: Dis. Gusting.
It was like a swatch of carpeting made entirely of mold.
With bugs living in it.
I removed the equally disgusting wax ring, and set to work on removing the "carpeting" with bleach.
Fortunately rotten sub-flooring wasn't an issue, as my sub-floor is concrete, and the mold's reach didn't extend beyond the surface of the tile floor.
Once I'd cleaned that up, and while still woozy from the bleach fumes, we got the new toilet put in place rather quickly, and it was time to bust out the caulking gun and seal it place on the floor.
Now, while on the surface Scott and I are grown men in our 30s, underneath it all we're really just 12 year-old boys.
Thus, the "caulk" jokes.
Not trusting my unsteady hands, I bowed to Scott's superior caulk-handling skills and let him spread caulk all over the place.
We continued in that vein - ugh, that's a terrible unintended pun - for quite some time, until finally Scott was finished working the caulk, and the time came for me to put my caulk away.
At that point I stood, caulk in hand, and said, sadly, "I don't know if I'll ever get to use my caulk again."
This prompted Scott to say, "Okay, you broke it. No more caulk jokes."
Still, I did end up throwing a couple of more comments into the caulk ring.
Finally it was time to test the toilet out. I was the first to break it in, and responded with a "Damn!" in response to how quickly, in contrast to the old toilet, the tank refilled.
Actually, the "tank" doesn't fill. I bought an eco-friendly, high-efficiency flushing toilet with a "Niagra" flapperless system.
Basically there's a basin inside that fills up with water, and when you flush, it simply tips the basin over, spilling out the water. The basin then snaps back into position and refills.
At least, that's what it does in theory.
When Scott took his turn breaking in the toilet he found that it wouldn't flush, as the tank hadn't refilled.
When we went back to pick up a new supply line, we bought one that had this "flood stop" component that we thought might put a stop to the water flow from the un-turn-offable water supply while we were working on installing the toilet.
It didn't, but it did, apparently, kick in after I flushed the toilet, preventing the tank from refilling. The only way to reset it is to disconnect the supply line and reconnect it.
At this point, now that the old toilet was disassembled and more easily accessible, Scott was able to remove the old supply line, and we attempted to put that on in place of the irritating flood stop version, but the new tank is situated considerably higher than the old one, so the old line wouldn't reach.
I'll be making a return trip to Home Depot this weekend to buy a regular one.
At one point I went outside to inspect the old toilet to see if I could find where it had been leaking. I didn't see any cracks, so I'm assuming it was leaking around the wax ring.
What I did see, though, was that the bottom of the bowl was teeming with the bugs who had been living in that darkness for who knows how long. I hit them hard with some bug spray, and summarized the bugs' existence to Scott as, "A life spent in darkness, then death."
In any case, here are some pictures from our plumbing adventure.
Fortunately we didn't think to take pictures until after I'd cleaned up the mold "carpet," so you'll at least be spared that nastiness.

Jon At The Eye Doctor's: A Conversation

Eye Doctor: Say, there's a boy out there who's interested in trying the Gentle Molding. Would you be willing to talk to him a little and tell him about your experience?

Me: Umm...yeah, I don't really do kids, so...

Eye Doctor: Well, thanks for considering it.

Me: Don't mention it.

The Perils Of Vampire Flesh

Yesterday I headed to Ashburn for Earth Day @ Loudoun to show my support for NOVA Green Team, which was one of the sponsors of the event.
Everything was geared mostly towards kids, which meant that having fully functional legs and actually knowing how to work was almost a liability, what with all the strollers and toddlers and generally unsteady-on-their-feet little creatures.
The one positive thing about all of the kids there were the hot young mothers wearing strapless and low cut tops who had to periodically bend down to tend to the little monsters darlings.
Before heading over there I hadn’t eaten anything other than a cookie, as I figured I’d eat while I was there.
It took me a while to remember that I should eat something, and by the time I did the lines were too long and it wasn’t really too much longer before the event would be over, so I decided to just wait and stop someplace on the way home.
This meant that I didn’t end up eating anything until sometime around 3:30, and this was after having spent hours standing in the hot sun and getting pretty well singed, as is the peril that comes from having vampire skin.
After eating I decided to try out the new mower. I figured that despite the beating I’d taken from the sun I’d be okay, as the parts of the lawn I mowed were mostly in the shade by that time. Even so, the heat was pretty brutal and I was pretty shaky and weak for the rest of the evening.
Today I finished off the lawn by mowing the backyard, finding that without the cord it only takes about a third as long as it used to take.
And that’s pretty much all that is going on or has gone on since my last post.