It's Only Tuesday

The Universe: Jon? Hey buddy, hey pal...WAKE THE HELL UP!
Me: *Snort* What? What the hell do you want?
The Universe: It's time to get up for work.
Me: Ick.
The Universe: Oh come on, at least it's not Monday.
Me: Yeah, but it's still only Tuesday. Can't it at least be Wednesday?
The Universe: Afraid not.
Me: Come on, you could make that happen.
The Universe: Yeah, I suppose I could.
Me: So do it. As a favor for me.
The Universe: Hmm...okay...maybe I could...no.
Me: Fine, see if I ever do you a favor.
The Universe: Pfft, like you could.
Me: Asshole.
The Universe: What was that?
Me: Nothing.
******
Me: What the hell? I thought it was Tuesday.
The Universe: It is.
Me: Then why is traffic backed up like it's Wednesday?
The Universe: Didn't you want it to be Wednesday? I made it like it was Wednesday, without it actually being Wednesday.
Me: Asshole.
The Universe: What was that?
Me: You heard me!
******
The Universe: Ick, back-to-back meetings until noon, huh?
Me: Yeah.
The Universe: Well, at least the 11:00 one should be short.
Me: Yeah, that's true at - wait, what do you mean by that?
The Universe: Nothing. Sheesh, you're so paranoid. I'm just saying it won't last too long. Not too many people, and not a lot to talk about.
Me: Uh huh.
The Universe: Honest! It'll be a short meeting.
Me: You're up to something.
The Universe: So what if I am? What are you going to do about it?
Me: *Sigh*
The Universe: Yeah, that's what I thought.
******
The Universe: See, the 11:00 one was short.
Me: Yeah, but the 10:00 one ran long, making me late for the 11:00 one, and was still going on when I finished with the 11:00 so I had to go back to it for another hour!
The Universe: But at least it was productive.
Me: No! It wasn't! It was the opposite of that! And now we have to meet again for at least another hour tomorrow at 9:00.
The Universe: See? Stuff is getting done!
Me: Are you an idiot? I just told you -
The Universe: Yep, stuff getting done. Questions getting answered.
Me: Yes, with a different answer each time the question is asked.
The Universe: It makes life interesting.
Me: Ass-
The Universe: You sure you want to go there?
Me: *Sigh*