First of all, happy birthday to my nephew Todd, who turns 9 today.
Given that he’s only 9, I sent him considerably less money (the big bucks are reserved for “milestone” birthdays), and that he’s such a good kid – almost inhumanly it sometimes seems – it’s unlikely that his response upon opening the card was anything like Jourdan’s.
Because I’m making more money than I did at AOL and, having paid off my car – I got the title in the mail a couple weeks ago, so now I officially own a piece of crap – I’ve had a significant decrease in the amount of money I’m paying out every month, I have considerably more disposable income than I’ve ever had in my life.
So, with that in mind, I’ve been considering cautiously climbing into the online dating pool. In the past I’ve dipped my foot in to test the water, but given that in order to actually contact any prospects you have to pay a rather hefty monthly fee, I’ve avoided fully taking the plunge before now.
The obvious first question is “Which one?”
I haven’t answered that question yet, though I can say which one it won’t be: eHarmony.
Why not eHarmony? Well, first of all, their commercials annoy the hell out of me.
“Oh, look at us; we’re so perfectly-matched and happy!”
Fuck your happiness and perfect compatibility.
Secondly, on two occasions, eHarmony’s personality matching system has scientifically proven that I’m not compatible with anyone anywhere.
Thus I’d prefer a less exact system.
Regardless of which service I do choose, it’s likely that I’ll have to create some sort of profile, which leads to the second question of “What am I going to say about myself?”
My natural inclination is to just be as straightforward and honest as possible. After all, what’s the point of creating false expectations? Claiming to be a billionaire philanthropist might initially get me some play – assuming that there’s anyone in the world who would believe that a billionaire philanthropist would need to use an online dating service – but it’s not an act that I’d be able to keep up for long.
And even though if there’s anything that can be learned from romantic comedies it’s that at the core of every successful romance there is a significant act of dishonesty, which is rife with comedic and dramatic possibilities, (“By the way, I only asked you out as part of a bet,” “Oh, I’m not actually a guest at this hotel; I’m a maid,” “Oh, I was only pretending to be a priest so that I could get close to you before you got married,” etc.), I’m of the opinion that while honesty may not always be the best policy, it’s usually the most tenable.
So, by way of attempting to create an outline for my profile, I thought it would be worthwhile to take a look at the pros and cons of dating me, or what I like to call The Pros and Jons.
Pro: I’m pretty secure financially.
As mentioned, I have a pretty high-paying job. I’m a homeowner. I have very good credit. I have marketable skills that will likely lead only to an increase in my earning power over the next decade or so.
Jon: I like to spend more than I like to save.
Clearly I have a weakness for shiny electronic gadgets.
Pro: I’m pretty smart and I’m also funny.
Pretty much speaks for itself.
Jon: I’m also geeky and my sense of humor can be offensive.
I’m all about the snark and sarcasm, which is fine if you’re into that sort of thing, but not so much if you’re not, and I read comic books, like science fiction and fantasy movies/books, and spend most of my time at the computer engaged in nerdly pursuits. I can – and have done so – talk for hours about topics such as “Who would win in a fight: Superman or Thor?” (The answer, by the way, is Superman, despite what Dave Campbell says on the subject.), or about some obscure historical/literary/comic book piece of trivia. There’s a good chance that, if not matched up with someone of similar proclivities, there would be a lot of conversations that would go like this:
Me: [insert random comment on some arcane topic, probably related to comic books]
Potential Mate: What?
Me: Never mind…
Pro: I genuinely like and respect women as human beings.
I see no conflict between being sexually attracted to women and treating them with the respect they deserve as people. I view it as an ideal circumstance to be paired up with someone whom I actually like as a person.
Jon: I genuinely like and respect women as human beings.
I don’t want to make any sort of blanket statements about women here, but my own observation has been that there are a significant number of women who, for whatever reason, do not view this as a good thing. Not in a potential mate, at least. For a Platonic guy friend? Sure. For a boyfriend? Not so much. Again, this is just my own experience.
Pro: I’m thoughtful and considerate and something of a closet romantic.
I have a degree in English, and if I could be said to have had a particular focus it was on the British Romantic Period. Now, this isn’t “romantic” in the Harlequin romance novels sense, but there is a sort of…depth of feeling that is characteristic to this period which appealed to my sensibilities. I’m not a big flowery demonstrative gesture kind of guy, but more the “still waters run deep” type, preferring to make small – but significant – gestures of affection. I actually like buying gifts or leaving sweet little notes and performing other random acts of romance. Beyond that, I’m not the type to forget birthdays or anniversaries, and in a relationship I’m likely to give my own wants and needs secondary consideration.
Jon: Being thoughtful and considerate all the time can rob romantic gestures of their power.
If your boyfriend never has anything sweet to say, and can barely remember your last name, let alone your birthday, it will increase the significance of even the smallest gesture exponentially. Call it “The Prodigal Son Effect.” If your boyfriend always remembers your birthday and is constantly telling you that you’re wonderful it can eventually lose all meaning.
Pro: I’m a good listener.
Jon: That being said, I’m not always the most brilliant conversationalist.
Pro: I’m not a drinker.
No drunken, late night booty/bail me out calls, no alcohol-induced faux pas at family gatherings, etc.
Jon: I used to be a drinker.
That I don’t drink now is a symptom of the fact that I used to drink. That I can’t drink even in moderation shrinks the pool of women that I could potentially appeal to even further. Sure, not everyone drinks, but my inability to do so is definitely a social handicap; it’s just a question of how severe of a handicap it is.
Pro: I’m not Elephant Man levels of grotesque.
Jon: But physically I’m nothing to write home about either.
How much this matters is, of course, debatable, but there’s no getting around the fact that it does matter.
Pro: I’m self-reliant.
I’ve demonstrated the ability to manage my own life pretty well without having to rely on someone else. I’m a decent cook, I can handle my own finances, and am clearly not helpless and needy by any means.
Jon: I’m a recluse.
My self-reliance relates directly to the fact that I spend the majority of my time alone and am not, by nature, a social creature. Of course, the more time I spend alone, the more time I want to spend alone, as being alone becomes the rut into which I settle. In fairness to me, though, part of the reason that I don’t go out and engage in more social activities is not that I’m totally opposed to doing so, it’s that I don’t have anyone to engage in social activities with. The world isn’t really designed with single people in mind. If I had a partner, it’s possible – and fairly likely, I think – that I would get out more. Sure, that I don’t get out more now is no doubt part of the reason that I don’t have a partner, but, again, the opportunities for socializing that are available to a non-drinking, non-religious, non-civic-minded single person are limited.
Pro/Jon: (Depending on your perspective) As mentioned above, I’m not religious.
MAJOR Jon: I don’t want children and I don’t like pets. At all.
I have no interest in being a father, or even a father figure. I think that pets are a complete waste of time, effort, and money, and am severely allergic to pet dander and don’t view taking allergy medication as the correct solution to this problem.
The potential dating pool really shrinks down thanks to this one.
Jon: I have trust issues.
I don’t think that women are any more inclined to be unfaithful or dishonest than men, but I don’t think they’re any less inclined either. Statistics may not support me on this, but it’s not an intellectual belief, it’s a visceral one. I don’t think my trust issues would lead me to be insanely jealous or suspicious or anything like that, but I do think that they would tend to make me somewhat withdrawn and unwilling to fully invest my heart in a relationship.
Jon: I don’t view myself in the most positive light.
I know that I’m a pretty decent guy, and don’t see myself as being somehow unworthy of love, but I am very conscious of my faults and limitations, particularly regarding my appeal – or lack thereof – as a potential mate. I have a lot of very good qualities in terms of being boyfriend material, but I often liken myself to being comparable to an options package without the car. What good are chrome rims if you don’t actually have a tire? Those positive qualities that I have are things that women would like a guy to have, but they’re not requirements, and I think that I probably fall short in the requirements department. Whether or not that’s actually true is irrelevant; it’s my perception and therefore my reality.
Jon: I’m not able to come up with a whole lot of Pros.
Okay, so that rather depressing part of the process is out of the way. There are a lot more Jons I could come up with, and, if I really thought about it, probably a few more Pros, but I think that pretty well covers the basics.
Now the question becomes how to spin it all into something that would somehow make me seem appealing. I suppose that if nothing else it would appeal to someone who’s looking for brutal – maybe even cruel – honesty.
Anyway, he asks, knowing what little in way of a response he’ll get, what do you think ? What would you say if you were writing my profile? What, in your view, would be the Pros and Jons of dating me?
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Friday, February 15, 2008
Space Invaders Or What's The Buzz?
Yesterday evening I was on the phone with my mother when I heard an odd buzzing sound. It sounded rather like a drill that was losing torque as it bored into a hard material.
After looking around in confusion I spotted my cell phone on the bookshelf vibrating.
Today at work while writing up a document, there was an odd sensation coming from my left hip.
Once again it was my cell phone.
The latter call was my eye doctor’s office confirming my appointment on Tuesday.
The former was Stacy calling to let me know that they were in Ashburn and wanted to stop by so that they could pick up my old universal remote, which I’d promised to Scott, and to give me a card.
The card – along with a package of cookies – was a thank you from Vicki for my recent donation in support of her doing a “mathathon” to raise money for St. Jude’s.
I was also given a picture of Mike Wazowski from Monsters, Inc. which Scarlett had colored and decided to give to me, though I will say that she looked none too happy about turning her wishes into reality – that was one seriously grumpy face.
The items in question...except the cookies, which are long gone.
The fact that I am, by my own admission, reclusive and anti-social, often leads people to a misapprehension about me. Namely they think that they’re not welcome in my home, and that I view a visit as an invasion, making it a point to try to get in and out as quickly as possible.
It’s true; I don’t like people and I especially don’t like people invading my space.
But that’s people, not my friends. Sure, my friends actually are people, technically, but they’re not just any people, and I certainly don’t mind having company.
I mean, it’s not like it was some Mormons or some-err, never mind.
As it was, I probably kept them longer than they actually wanted to stay, as I was trying to find some particular comics to lend to Scott and discovered that they were literally in the last place I would look for them, or at least, the last place I did look for them.
Speaking of having company, this afternoon as I was preparing to shut down my computer and make my way out the door to start my long weekend, my boss came by, presumably to talk to me about something, but then he noticed that my cube neighbor, Melissa, who was walking by wasn’t wearing glasses, as she’d just gotten contacts. So they talked about that, and then someone else came over and joined the conversation, so I had this small group clustered around my cube, making it the place to be and effectively preventing me from not being there while they had a conversation that I couldn’t actually join, as they were talking about people I’ve never met or even heard of prior to that conversation.
That was an instance in which I would have preferred not to have visitors, though that had less to do with being reclusive and anti-social than it did with me wanting to start my damn weekend already.
I’ve continued to be happy with Hugin – my main computer – and its performance, despite the fact that it’s nearly three years old and therefore, by technology standards, ridiculously out of date. After all, even with Windows Vista, which pretty much every article, blog post, and forum comment I’ve read – many of them written by people who have never actually used it – assures me is a performance dog, it’s got a fair amount of zip and performs pretty much everything I ask of it without any major hiccups or delays.
(Much of that is, no doubt, due to the fact that it has 4 GB of RAM.)
In any case, the point is that I haven’t had any real thoughts about replacing it with a newer model.
In fact, my focus in that regard has been on buying a Media Center system to be the heart of my home theater, with nary a thought towards replacing the system on which I perform most of my computing tasks.
Then I read a review of this new system from Gateway with a quad-core processor and combo Blu-Ray/HD DVD drive that was optimized for things like video and image editing, and that sent my mind wandering along that particular path.
I spent much of yesterday morning at various Web sites configuring potential systems. I even went so far as to open an account with Dell, but ultimately decided to hold off for a while.
Today, however, I did end up buying a new monitor, as working on that big picture over the weekend had me wishing that I had more available screen real estate, and that if I bought it now it would be one less thing to buy when I do inevitably buy a new system.
For the curious, I bought this one, a 24” LCD with a resolution of 1920x1200.
Consider it a belated VD* present to myself.
(*It amuses me to refer to Valentine’s Day as VD. I’m a child.)
After looking around in confusion I spotted my cell phone on the bookshelf vibrating.
Today at work while writing up a document, there was an odd sensation coming from my left hip.
Once again it was my cell phone.
The latter call was my eye doctor’s office confirming my appointment on Tuesday.
The former was Stacy calling to let me know that they were in Ashburn and wanted to stop by so that they could pick up my old universal remote, which I’d promised to Scott, and to give me a card.
The card – along with a package of cookies – was a thank you from Vicki for my recent donation in support of her doing a “mathathon” to raise money for St. Jude’s.
I was also given a picture of Mike Wazowski from Monsters, Inc. which Scarlett had colored and decided to give to me, though I will say that she looked none too happy about turning her wishes into reality – that was one seriously grumpy face.
The items in question...except the cookies, which are long gone.
The fact that I am, by my own admission, reclusive and anti-social, often leads people to a misapprehension about me. Namely they think that they’re not welcome in my home, and that I view a visit as an invasion, making it a point to try to get in and out as quickly as possible.
It’s true; I don’t like people and I especially don’t like people invading my space.
But that’s people, not my friends. Sure, my friends actually are people, technically, but they’re not just any people, and I certainly don’t mind having company.
I mean, it’s not like it was some Mormons or some-err, never mind.
As it was, I probably kept them longer than they actually wanted to stay, as I was trying to find some particular comics to lend to Scott and discovered that they were literally in the last place I would look for them, or at least, the last place I did look for them.
Speaking of having company, this afternoon as I was preparing to shut down my computer and make my way out the door to start my long weekend, my boss came by, presumably to talk to me about something, but then he noticed that my cube neighbor, Melissa, who was walking by wasn’t wearing glasses, as she’d just gotten contacts. So they talked about that, and then someone else came over and joined the conversation, so I had this small group clustered around my cube, making it the place to be and effectively preventing me from not being there while they had a conversation that I couldn’t actually join, as they were talking about people I’ve never met or even heard of prior to that conversation.
That was an instance in which I would have preferred not to have visitors, though that had less to do with being reclusive and anti-social than it did with me wanting to start my damn weekend already.
I’ve continued to be happy with Hugin – my main computer – and its performance, despite the fact that it’s nearly three years old and therefore, by technology standards, ridiculously out of date. After all, even with Windows Vista, which pretty much every article, blog post, and forum comment I’ve read – many of them written by people who have never actually used it – assures me is a performance dog, it’s got a fair amount of zip and performs pretty much everything I ask of it without any major hiccups or delays.
(Much of that is, no doubt, due to the fact that it has 4 GB of RAM.)
In any case, the point is that I haven’t had any real thoughts about replacing it with a newer model.
In fact, my focus in that regard has been on buying a Media Center system to be the heart of my home theater, with nary a thought towards replacing the system on which I perform most of my computing tasks.
Then I read a review of this new system from Gateway with a quad-core processor and combo Blu-Ray/HD DVD drive that was optimized for things like video and image editing, and that sent my mind wandering along that particular path.
I spent much of yesterday morning at various Web sites configuring potential systems. I even went so far as to open an account with Dell, but ultimately decided to hold off for a while.
Today, however, I did end up buying a new monitor, as working on that big picture over the weekend had me wishing that I had more available screen real estate, and that if I bought it now it would be one less thing to buy when I do inevitably buy a new system.
For the curious, I bought this one, a 24” LCD with a resolution of 1920x1200.
Consider it a belated VD* present to myself.
(*It amuses me to refer to Valentine’s Day as VD. I’m a child.)
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Valentine's Day Greetings...
...from other blogs.
Still More Legion of Super-Heroes Valentines (Polite Dissent)
Spider-Man's Valentine's Day Cards...The Polite Dissent Way (Guess which blog?)
Romance Special: My (Allegedly) Funny Valentines 2008 (Chris Sims's Invincible Super-Blog)
Still More Legion of Super-Heroes Valentines (Polite Dissent)
Spider-Man's Valentine's Day Cards...The Polite Dissent Way (Guess which blog?)
Romance Special: My (Allegedly) Funny Valentines 2008 (Chris Sims's Invincible Super-Blog)
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Have Faith
On my way home today I was listening to American Made Music To Strip By - a collection of remixes of songs from Rob Zombie's album Hellbilly Deluxe - and Living Dead Girl came on.
That particular remix always brings to mind an episode of Angel in which it appears, in a scene in which Faith (Eliza Dushku), while dancing, starts a huge barroom brawl and then proceeds to dance in the midst of all the chaos she set in motion.
It's a great scene, which can be viewed here (embedding wasn't an available option).
That an album of remixed Zombie songs has "Strip" in the title is pretty much a perfect fit. Zombie's music and strippers are a perfect match, like peanut butter and chocolate.
In fact, I never much cared for Zombie's music until the night I walked into a strip club and saw a girl dancing to Thunderkiss '65, which, for me, was that "two great tastes" moment of "You got strippers in my Zombie music!" "You got Zombie music in my strippers!"
As an aside, one of the things I found disappointing about going to strip clubs in Tucson versus going to strip clubs in Minnesota and Wisconsin - apart from the fact I was sober in Tucson (and that the Minnesota and Wisconsin strip clubs I went to were fully nude) - was the difference in the music. In Minnesota and Wisconsin, most of the girls danced almost exclusively to Metal and Industrial, while in Tucson they mostly danced to Hip Hop.
Being a metalhead, the former obviously had a much greater appeal to me.
In fact, I remember (hazily) one night in which my roommate and I tipped one girl rather heavily, even though she wasn't especially attractive and was a terrible dancer, simply because she was dancing to Black Sabbath songs.
How could we not tip her? She was dancing to freakin' Sabbath!
That particular remix always brings to mind an episode of Angel in which it appears, in a scene in which Faith (Eliza Dushku), while dancing, starts a huge barroom brawl and then proceeds to dance in the midst of all the chaos she set in motion.
It's a great scene, which can be viewed here (embedding wasn't an available option).
That an album of remixed Zombie songs has "Strip" in the title is pretty much a perfect fit. Zombie's music and strippers are a perfect match, like peanut butter and chocolate.
In fact, I never much cared for Zombie's music until the night I walked into a strip club and saw a girl dancing to Thunderkiss '65, which, for me, was that "two great tastes" moment of "You got strippers in my Zombie music!" "You got Zombie music in my strippers!"
As an aside, one of the things I found disappointing about going to strip clubs in Tucson versus going to strip clubs in Minnesota and Wisconsin - apart from the fact I was sober in Tucson (and that the Minnesota and Wisconsin strip clubs I went to were fully nude) - was the difference in the music. In Minnesota and Wisconsin, most of the girls danced almost exclusively to Metal and Industrial, while in Tucson they mostly danced to Hip Hop.
Being a metalhead, the former obviously had a much greater appeal to me.
In fact, I remember (hazily) one night in which my roommate and I tipped one girl rather heavily, even though she wasn't especially attractive and was a terrible dancer, simply because she was dancing to Black Sabbath songs.
How could we not tip her? She was dancing to freakin' Sabbath!
I Can't Help But Wonder If I Contributed To This
Critters Force Loudoun Museum Closure
It's possible that I created a massive squirrel exodus from my neighborhood which led them to seek a new home.
The folks at the museum need to ship them off to the happy enchanted forest.
It's possible that I created a massive squirrel exodus from my neighborhood which led them to seek a new home.
The folks at the museum need to ship them off to the happy enchanted forest.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
A True Master Of The Absurd
This afternoon we got some freezing rain – the mere threat of which led Loudoun County to close school early – but by the time I was driving home it was neither raining, nor freezing, really.
The roads were not at all icy and were, at worst, a bit damp. No worse than what you might see after a gentle summer sunshower.
This bit of moisture was sufficient, however, to induce enough panic in the commuters of Northern Virginia to lead them to drive 35 miles an hour below the speed limit and spend a fair amount of time just coming to a dead stop at random.
Thus my half hour drive was stretched out to a full 45 minutes.
It did very little to improve my mood, which was already bad due to the fact that I learned this morning that writer Steve Gerber had passed away.
While he had never reached the dizzying heights of acclaim that such figures as Neil Gaiman and Alan Moore have achieved, Steve Gerber had a monumental talent and made an indelible mark in comic book history. I can’t honestly think of a Steve Gerber comic that I read that I didn’t enjoy, and his Phantom Zone mini-series – which I re-acquired during my recent spate of back issue purchasing – remains one of my all-time favorite Superman stories, ranking right up there with Moore’s “Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow” and “For the Man Who Has Everything.”
If for no other reason – and there are far too many other reasons to list – Steve Gerber earned his place in comic book history simply by making possible one of the greatest pieces of background art ever in the form of a random piece of graffiti in an issue of Alan Moore’s Top Ten which read “I have a Giant-Size Man-Thing.” It’s as fitting a tribute as any to a master of the absurd.
Lots of people in the industry as well as fans have had much to say about his life and his work, but I think that Gail Simone – as she so often does – hit the nail on the head in this tribute to a comic book master who will be missed.
(For the record, I was also dismayed and saddened by the recent passing of actor Roy Scheider.)
So my first-ever Heroic Portrait sale is complete and I’m very pleased that the finished product got such a positive response. Hopefully it’s the first of many to come.
If I start making a regular income from it all I may use some of the money to hire someone to finally put together a decent site and maybe actually start marketing it.
(Of course, I’ll also use the money to buy new toys.)
Beyond completing that first transaction, not much of note has been going on in my life. I’m pretty much following the pattern of work, sit on the couch, sleep, work, sit on the couch, repeat.
Welcome to the Blogosphere Department:
Stacy, with her hair of many colors, has launched her own blog. Check it out here.
Hopefully she’ll post more regularly than her husband…or a certain reclusive blogger who shall remain me. Er, I mean, remain nameless.
The roads were not at all icy and were, at worst, a bit damp. No worse than what you might see after a gentle summer sunshower.
This bit of moisture was sufficient, however, to induce enough panic in the commuters of Northern Virginia to lead them to drive 35 miles an hour below the speed limit and spend a fair amount of time just coming to a dead stop at random.
Thus my half hour drive was stretched out to a full 45 minutes.
It did very little to improve my mood, which was already bad due to the fact that I learned this morning that writer Steve Gerber had passed away.
While he had never reached the dizzying heights of acclaim that such figures as Neil Gaiman and Alan Moore have achieved, Steve Gerber had a monumental talent and made an indelible mark in comic book history. I can’t honestly think of a Steve Gerber comic that I read that I didn’t enjoy, and his Phantom Zone mini-series – which I re-acquired during my recent spate of back issue purchasing – remains one of my all-time favorite Superman stories, ranking right up there with Moore’s “Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow” and “For the Man Who Has Everything.”
If for no other reason – and there are far too many other reasons to list – Steve Gerber earned his place in comic book history simply by making possible one of the greatest pieces of background art ever in the form of a random piece of graffiti in an issue of Alan Moore’s Top Ten which read “I have a Giant-Size Man-Thing.” It’s as fitting a tribute as any to a master of the absurd.
Lots of people in the industry as well as fans have had much to say about his life and his work, but I think that Gail Simone – as she so often does – hit the nail on the head in this tribute to a comic book master who will be missed.
(For the record, I was also dismayed and saddened by the recent passing of actor Roy Scheider.)
So my first-ever Heroic Portrait sale is complete and I’m very pleased that the finished product got such a positive response. Hopefully it’s the first of many to come.
If I start making a regular income from it all I may use some of the money to hire someone to finally put together a decent site and maybe actually start marketing it.
(Of course, I’ll also use the money to buy new toys.)
Beyond completing that first transaction, not much of note has been going on in my life. I’m pretty much following the pattern of work, sit on the couch, sleep, work, sit on the couch, repeat.
Welcome to the Blogosphere Department:
Stacy, with her hair of many colors, has launched her own blog. Check it out here.
Hopefully she’ll post more regularly than her husband…or a certain reclusive blogger who shall remain me. Er, I mean, remain nameless.
Monday, February 11, 2008
For A While There I Was Worried
After not getting a response at all yesterday about the Heroic Portrait proof, I was starting to get a little worried that I'd failed to impress my first customer.
However, this morning I got an e-mail saying this:
Jon,
I LOVE IT! You did an amazing job! Once my friends and family see this, you will have a ton more customers.
[...]
I'm so excited, my husband is going to love it. I'm glad I was your first customer and I am sure I will be back. These make great gifts! Thanks for all your help Jon!
So that was a relief.
The finished portrait can be seen below (Caution: it's a BIG file):
As sort of an interesting side note, the woman in the picture shares something in common with Stacy: I used the same person as the body reference as I did in Stacy's Heroic Portrait, model/person who's randomly famous in the UK simply because she has big boobs, Keeley Hazell.
However, this morning I got an e-mail saying this:
Jon,
I LOVE IT! You did an amazing job! Once my friends and family see this, you will have a ton more customers.
[...]
I'm so excited, my husband is going to love it. I'm glad I was your first customer and I am sure I will be back. These make great gifts! Thanks for all your help Jon!
So that was a relief.
The finished portrait can be seen below (Caution: it's a BIG file):
As sort of an interesting side note, the woman in the picture shares something in common with Stacy: I used the same person as the body reference as I did in Stacy's Heroic Portrait, model/person who's randomly famous in the UK simply because she has big boobs, Keeley Hazell.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Keyword Kraziness: Kill Fish Edition
It’s time once again to take a look at some of the traffic drivers for this blog and find out just what search strings are bringing visitors here for a 0-5 second stay, or as I like to call it, Keyword Kraziness.
how tall if kirsten kemp of hgtv
I’m assuming you meant “is,” not “if.” Even allowing for that, you still got things wrong: she’s on TLC, not HGTV. As for her height, I recently watched an episode of Property Ladder in which someone stated that he was six feet tall, and when standing next to him Kirsten appeared to be as tall, and possibly taller.
superhorse fucks superwoman
Okay, let me say up front that yes, if we read between the Comics Code Authority-approved lines, back in the Silver Age, Comet the Super Horse, did want to fuck Supergirl. That is to say that he had romantic feelings towards her, and, though it never happened on-panel in comics when those stories were told, the standard culmination of romantic attraction usually involves some form of sex.
The whole thing a little (but only a little) less creepy than it seems on the surface in that Comet was not technically a horse, but rather a Centaur who had been inadvertently transformed into a horse by the witch Circe. He’d gone to Circe in the hopes of being turned into a human, as he’d fallen in love with a human woman. Circe screwed things up and pushed him in the opposite direction, turning him into a horse. I don’t remember why she couldn’t reverse the change, but to make up for it, she granted him immortality and super powers (In Silver Age Superman/Supergirl stories, gaining super powers meant, by default, gaining super powers similar to those of Superman. The exception to this was when the point of the story was to have someone be able to do something that even Superman couldn’t.). Thus, he lived on from the Hellenistic period of ancient Greece and was around in the mid-20th Century and living in the town of Midvale, home of Supergirl.
But yeah, so far as I know, Supergirl never got into any overtly freaky Kryptonian/Equine action, though he did, of course, get to spend a lot of time between her legs.
As for Superwoman – a villainous member of the Crime Syndicate of Earth 3 – I have no doubt that kinky bitch got it on with a horse at some point.
In any case, you might try checking out alt.binaries.erotica.cartoons to see if there is any fan/pervert out there who’s whipped up an image of the sort you’re looking for.
kari ann peniche brink of peeing
Years ago I did this (Just Barely Safe for Work) picture of Ms. Peniche (or at least part of her) from her appearance in Playboy. It’s possible that she’s on the brink of peeing, but I can’t really say for sure, and am not particularly interested in knowing. I’m not into the whole chicks peeing thing, and seriously don’t understand the appeal.
little shavers dicks
Am I correct in assuming that you are looking for the penises of young boys? None to be found here. I’d say “keep looking,” but I’d prefer that you just stop. No, not looking: breathing.
quesada creators
I’m assuming that would be Mr. and Mrs. Quesada.
hot chicks shooting heroin
They probably won’t be hot for long if they keep shooting heroin.
nudity vouyers
There’s a guy working in the porn business as actor, director, and producer, who goes by the name Vince Vouyer. I assume that, like him, you don’t know how to spell voyeur.
cute chick safeway
Which Safeway?
fish automatic doors
I see variations on this one fairly often, usually with the word “kill” also present. Is there some sort of urban myth floating around that automatic doors somehow kill fish?
my first day in porn
How did it go? Did you happen to work with Vince Vouyer?
watch bikini cavegirl free
Even that’s too expensive.
Well, that does it for this edition of Keyword Kraziness. Keep that Kraziness koming!
(Oh, and speaking of traffic drivers, given that they so frequently post links to me, I’ve added a link to When Fangirls Attack! over on the right.)
how tall if kirsten kemp of hgtv
I’m assuming you meant “is,” not “if.” Even allowing for that, you still got things wrong: she’s on TLC, not HGTV. As for her height, I recently watched an episode of Property Ladder in which someone stated that he was six feet tall, and when standing next to him Kirsten appeared to be as tall, and possibly taller.
superhorse fucks superwoman
Okay, let me say up front that yes, if we read between the Comics Code Authority-approved lines, back in the Silver Age, Comet the Super Horse, did want to fuck Supergirl. That is to say that he had romantic feelings towards her, and, though it never happened on-panel in comics when those stories were told, the standard culmination of romantic attraction usually involves some form of sex.
The whole thing a little (but only a little) less creepy than it seems on the surface in that Comet was not technically a horse, but rather a Centaur who had been inadvertently transformed into a horse by the witch Circe. He’d gone to Circe in the hopes of being turned into a human, as he’d fallen in love with a human woman. Circe screwed things up and pushed him in the opposite direction, turning him into a horse. I don’t remember why she couldn’t reverse the change, but to make up for it, she granted him immortality and super powers (In Silver Age Superman/Supergirl stories, gaining super powers meant, by default, gaining super powers similar to those of Superman. The exception to this was when the point of the story was to have someone be able to do something that even Superman couldn’t.). Thus, he lived on from the Hellenistic period of ancient Greece and was around in the mid-20th Century and living in the town of Midvale, home of Supergirl.
But yeah, so far as I know, Supergirl never got into any overtly freaky Kryptonian/Equine action, though he did, of course, get to spend a lot of time between her legs.
As for Superwoman – a villainous member of the Crime Syndicate of Earth 3 – I have no doubt that kinky bitch got it on with a horse at some point.
In any case, you might try checking out alt.binaries.erotica.cartoons to see if there is any fan/pervert out there who’s whipped up an image of the sort you’re looking for.
kari ann peniche brink of peeing
Years ago I did this (Just Barely Safe for Work) picture of Ms. Peniche (or at least part of her) from her appearance in Playboy. It’s possible that she’s on the brink of peeing, but I can’t really say for sure, and am not particularly interested in knowing. I’m not into the whole chicks peeing thing, and seriously don’t understand the appeal.
little shavers dicks
Am I correct in assuming that you are looking for the penises of young boys? None to be found here. I’d say “keep looking,” but I’d prefer that you just stop. No, not looking: breathing.
quesada creators
I’m assuming that would be Mr. and Mrs. Quesada.
hot chicks shooting heroin
They probably won’t be hot for long if they keep shooting heroin.
nudity vouyers
There’s a guy working in the porn business as actor, director, and producer, who goes by the name Vince Vouyer. I assume that, like him, you don’t know how to spell voyeur.
cute chick safeway
Which Safeway?
fish automatic doors
I see variations on this one fairly often, usually with the word “kill” also present. Is there some sort of urban myth floating around that automatic doors somehow kill fish?
my first day in porn
How did it go? Did you happen to work with Vince Vouyer?
watch bikini cavegirl free
Even that’s too expensive.
Well, that does it for this edition of Keyword Kraziness. Keep that Kraziness koming!
(Oh, and speaking of traffic drivers, given that they so frequently post links to me, I’ve added a link to When Fangirls Attack! over on the right.)
Victory On TWO Fronts Or Secretly I'm Timid
By the time I went to bed last night I had completed all of the components of the Heroic Portrait request and figured out how I was going to put them all together, meaning that all I had to do today was actually put them together and perform a few touch-ups.
As this wouldn’t require the same sort of extensive use of my eyes that drawing all of the pieces had, I decided that after a week off of them I would give my Gentle Molding lenses another shot.
The lack of searing agony and vampire/mogwai/gremlin-like aversion to bright light meant that my eyes have finally sufficiently recovered that I can get back to wearing the lenses with regularity and be done with my glasses once more.
So that meant that I had achieved success on two fronts – finishing the picture and being able to wear my lenses again.
It’s weird; I’m not used to achieving success on even one front.
Calling the Heroic Portrait a success may be a little premature, though, as I’ve yet to hear back from the customer as to whether or not it’s suitable. Still, for good or ill, I did actually complete the picture, so in that regard it is a success.
(I’ll post the picture once I get an e-mail saying “It’s great!” or “You suck!” If it’s the latter response, I’ll post it so that you can judge my level of suckitude for yourselves, and if it’s the former, to show it off.)
I woke up early on Thursday morning, so, lacking anything better to do, I left work early, and, as a result, left work a little earlier than usual.
That night I decided to check my work e-mail and saw that I had an e-mail from my boss that had come in just as I was shutting everything down.
It was an invitation to a meeting on Friday. With his boss.
Given that there was no indication of what the meeting was about, I, quite naturally, got a little anxious. I mean, a meeting with my boss’ boss with no defined agenda is a little troubling.
Still, I clicked on the “Accept” button to add it to my calendar and to send a response back saying that I’ll be there.
A few minutes later I got an e-mail from my boss saying, “FYI – this is a cover meeting,” and telling me not to tell any of the other people invited to the meeting (I hadn’t noticed that everyone else on his team was also invited. If I had, the anxiety level wouldn’t have been so high in the first place.)
It turns out that there really was no meeting with the boss’ boss; it was a ruse to get us all together so that my boss could bring in this cheesecake he sometimes makes that the other people on the team are always complaining that he never brings in to share.
So that was a relief.
Friday was actually the first morning all week on which I didn’t wake up before my alarm went off, so when I heard music as I was lying there sleeping I was wondering why. It took a couple of minutes for me to figure out that the reason I was hearing Chopsticks was that it was time to get up.
And yes, I was awoken by Chopsticks, that piano lesson standard, playing on my iPod.
Sort of.
It’s actually a song by Liz Phair, in which she sings in a low monotone to the tune of a slowed-down version of Chopsticks, with a smattering of guitar feedback.
It goes like this:
I met him at a party and he told me how to drive him home
He said he liked to do it backwards I said that’s just fine with me
That way we can fuck and watch TV
It was 4 AM and the light was gray like it always is in paperbacks
He asked if I liked playing Jacks
I told him that I was good to sixes but all hell broke loose after that
I told him that I knew Julia Roberts when I was twelve at summer camp
We didn’t say anything after that
I dropped him off and I drove on home ‘cause secretly I’m timid
Rubbing It In Department:
In the Comments on a recent post, Scott mentioned that he misses Fables.
Just to be an ass, I’m going to rub it in and say that the issue I bought last week, which saw the conclusion of the storyline entitled “The Good Prince,” was awesome. Sure, it goes without saying – it’s Fables, after all – but this issue in particular was at even higher levels of awesomeness than usual. Like, way higher.
Sorry Scott, but it had to be mentioned, and you probably read the review on Chris’s Invincible Super-Blog anyway, which, among other things, says:
Let’s be real here for a second, folks: this is probably the single best comic book on the market today, and with “The Good Prince,” Willingham, Buckingham, and Leialoha have not only given us the happiest ending that the series has seen so far, but what might just be the best story of the run. Admittedly, it’s tough to beat Homelands (my reigning favorite), but starting with the shift in last year’s Christmas issue–and 1001 Nights of Snowfall before it–they’ve given us an incredible character arc that wraps up every bit as beautifully as it looks. It’s phenomenal stuff.
(Emphasis mine)
For a while now I’ve been posting little bits about Why I Love Fables, and there’s a reason that I do it: it deserves the attention.
If you read comics and aren’t reading Fables, shame on you. If you don’t read comics, you should start just so you can read Fables.
It really is that good.
That’s going to do it for this entry. I’ll be back later with a Keyword Kraziness post. (I promise!)
Oh, and for anyone interested, the episode of The Simpsons featuring, among other comic book personalities, Alan Moore, will be re-airing tonight on Fox.
As this wouldn’t require the same sort of extensive use of my eyes that drawing all of the pieces had, I decided that after a week off of them I would give my Gentle Molding lenses another shot.
The lack of searing agony and vampire/mogwai/gremlin-like aversion to bright light meant that my eyes have finally sufficiently recovered that I can get back to wearing the lenses with regularity and be done with my glasses once more.
So that meant that I had achieved success on two fronts – finishing the picture and being able to wear my lenses again.
It’s weird; I’m not used to achieving success on even one front.
Calling the Heroic Portrait a success may be a little premature, though, as I’ve yet to hear back from the customer as to whether or not it’s suitable. Still, for good or ill, I did actually complete the picture, so in that regard it is a success.
(I’ll post the picture once I get an e-mail saying “It’s great!” or “You suck!” If it’s the latter response, I’ll post it so that you can judge my level of suckitude for yourselves, and if it’s the former, to show it off.)
I woke up early on Thursday morning, so, lacking anything better to do, I left work early, and, as a result, left work a little earlier than usual.
That night I decided to check my work e-mail and saw that I had an e-mail from my boss that had come in just as I was shutting everything down.
It was an invitation to a meeting on Friday. With his boss.
Given that there was no indication of what the meeting was about, I, quite naturally, got a little anxious. I mean, a meeting with my boss’ boss with no defined agenda is a little troubling.
Still, I clicked on the “Accept” button to add it to my calendar and to send a response back saying that I’ll be there.
A few minutes later I got an e-mail from my boss saying, “FYI – this is a cover meeting,” and telling me not to tell any of the other people invited to the meeting (I hadn’t noticed that everyone else on his team was also invited. If I had, the anxiety level wouldn’t have been so high in the first place.)
It turns out that there really was no meeting with the boss’ boss; it was a ruse to get us all together so that my boss could bring in this cheesecake he sometimes makes that the other people on the team are always complaining that he never brings in to share.
So that was a relief.
Friday was actually the first morning all week on which I didn’t wake up before my alarm went off, so when I heard music as I was lying there sleeping I was wondering why. It took a couple of minutes for me to figure out that the reason I was hearing Chopsticks was that it was time to get up.
And yes, I was awoken by Chopsticks, that piano lesson standard, playing on my iPod.
Sort of.
It’s actually a song by Liz Phair, in which she sings in a low monotone to the tune of a slowed-down version of Chopsticks, with a smattering of guitar feedback.
It goes like this:
I met him at a party and he told me how to drive him home
He said he liked to do it backwards I said that’s just fine with me
That way we can fuck and watch TV
It was 4 AM and the light was gray like it always is in paperbacks
He asked if I liked playing Jacks
I told him that I was good to sixes but all hell broke loose after that
I told him that I knew Julia Roberts when I was twelve at summer camp
We didn’t say anything after that
I dropped him off and I drove on home ‘cause secretly I’m timid
Rubbing It In Department:
In the Comments on a recent post, Scott mentioned that he misses Fables.
Just to be an ass, I’m going to rub it in and say that the issue I bought last week, which saw the conclusion of the storyline entitled “The Good Prince,” was awesome. Sure, it goes without saying – it’s Fables, after all – but this issue in particular was at even higher levels of awesomeness than usual. Like, way higher.
Sorry Scott, but it had to be mentioned, and you probably read the review on Chris’s Invincible Super-Blog anyway, which, among other things, says:
Let’s be real here for a second, folks: this is probably the single best comic book on the market today, and with “The Good Prince,” Willingham, Buckingham, and Leialoha have not only given us the happiest ending that the series has seen so far, but what might just be the best story of the run. Admittedly, it’s tough to beat Homelands (my reigning favorite), but starting with the shift in last year’s Christmas issue–and 1001 Nights of Snowfall before it–they’ve given us an incredible character arc that wraps up every bit as beautifully as it looks. It’s phenomenal stuff.
(Emphasis mine)
For a while now I’ve been posting little bits about Why I Love Fables, and there’s a reason that I do it: it deserves the attention.
If you read comics and aren’t reading Fables, shame on you. If you don’t read comics, you should start just so you can read Fables.
It really is that good.
That’s going to do it for this entry. I’ll be back later with a Keyword Kraziness post. (I promise!)
Oh, and for anyone interested, the episode of The Simpsons featuring, among other comic book personalities, Alan Moore, will be re-airing tonight on Fox.
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