Driving home in the snow on Thursday was a bit of a hassle. The roads were okay, but visibility wasn’t the greatest, especially considering that it was day after my night off for wearing the gentle molding contacts. I can see okay on those days, but my vision isn’t quite as clear as it is when I’ve worn them the previous night.
However, the really scary drive was on Friday morning on my way in to work, as the roads were a bit slippery, and because I ran out of wiper fluid about halfway there.
This was problematic because there was a lot of gunk getting kicked up by other cars, and without wiper fluid a lot of residue built up in a very short period of time.
Further, for much of the drive I was heading directly into the sun, and the combination of sunlight and gunk rendered my windshield almost completely opaque.
Still, I managed to make it there successfully – despite the best efforts of some guy in a flatbed truck who decided to just casually drift into my lane, ignoring the fact that two objects can’t occupy the same space at the same time – though my turn into the parking lot wasn’t so much a turn as it was a semi-controlled skid.
Apparently simply because I could, I stayed up fairly late last night doing a combination of nothing in particular and watching TV, and woke up this morning after only six hours of sleep.
I’m not sure why I decided to stay up once I was awake, but I did.
Eventually I decided, against my better judgment, to go out into the world and so some shopping. I bought a new case for my cell phone, as the expensive aluminum one I bought a while back betrayed me for the last time last week and I decided that it needed to be replaced.
(The aluminum case had a tendency to spring open and eject my phone at the merest touch or simply unscrew itself from the belt clasp and fly off. When it did the latter last week, it got bent out of shape and will no longer close properly – not that it ever closed especially securely in the first place.)
I stopped to get a late lunch/extremely late breakfast and headed off to the grocery store, which was a nightmare.
There were just way too many people, and far too many of them were over the age of 50. I did manage to avoid waiting in too long of a line, but navigating my way through the aisles had been a major challenge.
While I have no fear of germs – they’re pretty much impossible to avoid completely and nearly 36 years of constant exposure to them and bacteria and viruses has yet to do me any significant harm – I find that I’m increasingly annoyed at just how goddamn sticky the world is. Thus, like Adrian Monk, I’ve decided that I need to have some sort of moist wipes close at hand at all times.
Of course, actually finding what I was looking for at the store proved nearly impossible. I was just looking for a little travel pack of wet naps or whatever, but they didn’t appear to exist. I ended up buying two boxes of these Kleenex versions, one for the car, one for my desk at work, but they weren’t exactly travel-sized. The nearest equivalent I could find were actually these Off insect repellent wipes.
Once I got in line, though, I finally found what I was looking for amid all the impulse-buy items at the register, so now I have something to keep handy when the world imposes its stickiness on me.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Partying Like It's 1999?
Yesterday I got an e-mail newsletter that my Realtor David sent out to all of his clients. Included was a link to photos from that holiday skating party.
Here's a picture of me (AKA "Mr. Photogenic") and Kathleen at the party:
I can't help but wonder if the camera somehow peered backwards through the veil of time and caught an image of me from like 1999; I look like I'm drunk.
Here's a picture of me (AKA "Mr. Photogenic") and Kathleen at the party:
I can't help but wonder if the camera somehow peered backwards through the veil of time and caught an image of me from like 1999; I look like I'm drunk.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
New (And Old) Favorites
This somewhat uncomfortable - and, as Jon Stewart explains, choppily edited- interview from The A Daily Show is now one of my new all-time favorites:
\
It just narrowly edges out this one:
I just love how dismissive Jon is of the guy and his avocation.
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It just narrowly edges out this one:
I just love how dismissive Jon is of the guy and his avocation.
The Joy Of Being Non-Essential
When I worked at AOL, I was considered “essential” personnel, which meant that come Hell or high water, I was reporting in for my scheduled shift and staying for the full shift.
My new job? Not so much with the essential, so when the skies over Northern Virginia opened up today and deposited a decent (for Northern Virginia) amount of snow, people started bailing left and right, including my boss, who came around and told me that I could do the same at about 2:30.
So now I’m home with some extra time.
Apparently we also normally close at 3 on the Friday of a holiday weekend, so tomorrow I’ll get out early as well, with a three day weekend ahead of me.
(This morning I was thinking about MLK Day and how there are no doubt plenty of bigots who are opposed to everything Dr. King stood for but are perfectly happy to get a day off. It seems unfair, to say the least.)
Today I did an office supply closet raid. I was telling Scott that I’m still adapting to the notion of having my own private work space. The other day I was hauling my laptop, mug, and portfolio/valise/whatever you call it out to my car at the end of the day when I realized that I could just lock them up in one of my cabinets. It was a rather mundane epiphany, but an epiphany nonetheless.
I encountered the first really cute chick I’ve seen so far today. She was by the elevators when I was heading down to the first floor. She’d pushed the button, and I said, given that there are two elevators on one wall and another on the opposite wall, “It’s kind of like playing Three-Card Monte when you push the button; you never know which of the three is going to be the one that dings.”
She laughed, and then when we got on the elevator she said, rather excitedly, “Can you believe this snow?” I confessed that I hadn’t known that it had started snowing, and we talked about the perils of winter driving, and the fact that snow (or rain, or wind, or slightly overcast skies) causes people around here to develop selective amnesia and totally forget how to drive, then we went our separate ways once the elevator opened.
I did a ring-check and saw that her finger was unencumbered. She was, as I told Scott, very cute and petite, which is how I like ‘em.
Scott suggested that I may be able to win her over with my charm if she is, as I suspect, located on the same floor as I am.
I’ll need to find out if it’s possible to buy charm over the Internet. I’ll have to check Overstock.
I didn’t see any in the supply closet at work.
My new job? Not so much with the essential, so when the skies over Northern Virginia opened up today and deposited a decent (for Northern Virginia) amount of snow, people started bailing left and right, including my boss, who came around and told me that I could do the same at about 2:30.
So now I’m home with some extra time.
Apparently we also normally close at 3 on the Friday of a holiday weekend, so tomorrow I’ll get out early as well, with a three day weekend ahead of me.
(This morning I was thinking about MLK Day and how there are no doubt plenty of bigots who are opposed to everything Dr. King stood for but are perfectly happy to get a day off. It seems unfair, to say the least.)
Today I did an office supply closet raid. I was telling Scott that I’m still adapting to the notion of having my own private work space. The other day I was hauling my laptop, mug, and portfolio/valise/whatever you call it out to my car at the end of the day when I realized that I could just lock them up in one of my cabinets. It was a rather mundane epiphany, but an epiphany nonetheless.
I encountered the first really cute chick I’ve seen so far today. She was by the elevators when I was heading down to the first floor. She’d pushed the button, and I said, given that there are two elevators on one wall and another on the opposite wall, “It’s kind of like playing Three-Card Monte when you push the button; you never know which of the three is going to be the one that dings.”
She laughed, and then when we got on the elevator she said, rather excitedly, “Can you believe this snow?” I confessed that I hadn’t known that it had started snowing, and we talked about the perils of winter driving, and the fact that snow (or rain, or wind, or slightly overcast skies) causes people around here to develop selective amnesia and totally forget how to drive, then we went our separate ways once the elevator opened.
I did a ring-check and saw that her finger was unencumbered. She was, as I told Scott, very cute and petite, which is how I like ‘em.
Scott suggested that I may be able to win her over with my charm if she is, as I suspect, located on the same floor as I am.
I’ll need to find out if it’s possible to buy charm over the Internet. I’ll have to check Overstock.
I didn’t see any in the supply closet at work.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Won't Someone Please Think Of The Threshold Readers?
I honestly don’t understand how people can work a M-F, 9-5 style job and actually manage to accomplish anything.
I mean, just watching a little TV takes up my entire evening, especially since I’m too tired to stay up to watchThe A Daily Show and The Colbert Report and end up recording them and then watching them the next night.
It’s madness, I tell you.
Sure, it’s not like I have anything that I actually need to accomplish in an evening, but that’s hardly the point.
Of course, you’re the real victims here, as I find myself too tired to write anything of substance.
One thing of note that happened today was that Nita was surprised to learn how old I am, as she’d assumed that I was under 30. I guess the dye job worked.
Anyway, I have more TV to watch before bedtime, so that’s going to do it for this entry. Maybe I’ll eventually get the hang of this whole not having my days free thing.
I mean, just watching a little TV takes up my entire evening, especially since I’m too tired to stay up to watch
It’s madness, I tell you.
Sure, it’s not like I have anything that I actually need to accomplish in an evening, but that’s hardly the point.
Of course, you’re the real victims here, as I find myself too tired to write anything of substance.
One thing of note that happened today was that Nita was surprised to learn how old I am, as she’d assumed that I was under 30. I guess the dye job worked.
Anyway, I have more TV to watch before bedtime, so that’s going to do it for this entry. Maybe I’ll eventually get the hang of this whole not having my days free thing.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Jon And I Usually Don't Agree
Because I wasn’t there for the one held last Monday, this morning I went to a new hire orientation at work.
I discovered that, as I’d been told, the benefits package is pretty much the same as AOL’s, but considerably cheaper.
I also found out that there’s an actual pension plan in addition to the 401K program, which is cool, and pretty rare these days.
The other cool thing I found out is that even though I’m on salary, I won’t have to deal with the semi-monthly pay schedule, but will instead be paid bi-weekly. This is cool because it means that I will actually get to have some three paycheck months, whereas I would not if we were on the semi-monthly schedule.
Tomorrow I’ll be getting some training on the ticketing system that the NOC uses, which will help give me a better understanding of the kinds of issues that I’ll be running into in reviewing their tickets for problems, and then I’ll actually be sitting in the NOC to get a feel for how they operate.
Two recruiters contacted me today, one of them for a job in Atlanta – no idea why she thought I’d be interested in it – and I let them know that I wasn’t interested, then went to Monster to make my résumé no longer viewable, as I’m done with dealing with recruiters.
There’s a Shoppers Food Warehouse right by where I work, so I’d intended to stop there on my way home and pick up the things I forgot to buy when I went shopping yesterday.
I didn’t really want to, as getting in and out of the parking lot with all of traffic in that area would be a pain, but I told myself, “We’re stopping there after work,” to which I responded, “No, we’re not.” I then said, “Yes, we are,” but I knew I didn’t have it in me to force the issue, and by late afternoon I said to myself, “Fine, we won’t stop there, but we will go to the Shoppers in Leesburg on the way home,” which I found more agreeable.
(I don’t refer to myself internally as “we” out of any sort of royal pretentions, but rather because there are essentially two Jons living in my head. There’s the Jon who makes decisions about what I’m going to do, and then there’s the Jon who either ignores those decisions or chooses to go along with them. Depending on the degree to which there is disagreement, I sometimes go with “I” and “you” rather than “we.” My head is a confusing place.)
I was going to take 267 to 28 and 28 to 7, but I kind of spaced it once I got on 267 and forgot that the exit to 28 was right ahead of me, so I drove past it and ended up taking the Greenway home. This meant that, given that I didn’t take the exit to 15, as taking the Greenway stripped away some of my resolve about going to Shoppers, I would actually have to drive right past the street that leads to my house if I were to follow through on my intentions regarding shopping. My resolve did not hold, and I ended up making the turn and just going straight home.
We’ll see if I can manage to hit the store tomorrow.
And apart from having a squirrel waiting for me in the trap with its bags packed for its trip to the enchanted forest where I bring all of the squirrels who find their way into my attic and into the trap when I got home, that’s pretty much been my day.
I discovered that, as I’d been told, the benefits package is pretty much the same as AOL’s, but considerably cheaper.
I also found out that there’s an actual pension plan in addition to the 401K program, which is cool, and pretty rare these days.
The other cool thing I found out is that even though I’m on salary, I won’t have to deal with the semi-monthly pay schedule, but will instead be paid bi-weekly. This is cool because it means that I will actually get to have some three paycheck months, whereas I would not if we were on the semi-monthly schedule.
Tomorrow I’ll be getting some training on the ticketing system that the NOC uses, which will help give me a better understanding of the kinds of issues that I’ll be running into in reviewing their tickets for problems, and then I’ll actually be sitting in the NOC to get a feel for how they operate.
Two recruiters contacted me today, one of them for a job in Atlanta – no idea why she thought I’d be interested in it – and I let them know that I wasn’t interested, then went to Monster to make my résumé no longer viewable, as I’m done with dealing with recruiters.
There’s a Shoppers Food Warehouse right by where I work, so I’d intended to stop there on my way home and pick up the things I forgot to buy when I went shopping yesterday.
I didn’t really want to, as getting in and out of the parking lot with all of traffic in that area would be a pain, but I told myself, “We’re stopping there after work,” to which I responded, “No, we’re not.” I then said, “Yes, we are,” but I knew I didn’t have it in me to force the issue, and by late afternoon I said to myself, “Fine, we won’t stop there, but we will go to the Shoppers in Leesburg on the way home,” which I found more agreeable.
(I don’t refer to myself internally as “we” out of any sort of royal pretentions, but rather because there are essentially two Jons living in my head. There’s the Jon who makes decisions about what I’m going to do, and then there’s the Jon who either ignores those decisions or chooses to go along with them. Depending on the degree to which there is disagreement, I sometimes go with “I” and “you” rather than “we.” My head is a confusing place.)
I was going to take 267 to 28 and 28 to 7, but I kind of spaced it once I got on 267 and forgot that the exit to 28 was right ahead of me, so I drove past it and ended up taking the Greenway home. This meant that, given that I didn’t take the exit to 15, as taking the Greenway stripped away some of my resolve about going to Shoppers, I would actually have to drive right past the street that leads to my house if I were to follow through on my intentions regarding shopping. My resolve did not hold, and I ended up making the turn and just going straight home.
We’ll see if I can manage to hit the store tomorrow.
And apart from having a squirrel waiting for me in the trap with its bags packed for its trip to the enchanted forest where I bring all of the squirrels who find their way into my attic and into the trap when I got home, that’s pretty much been my day.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
There's A Reason No One Is Saying That
First off, happy birthday to my sister Kristy and to her husband Ken.
I went out to Super Target this morning to do some shopping and realized just how horrible it’s going to be to have to do my shopping when the rest of the world is shopping as well. I’m really going to miss you, Monday morning shopping.
The whole thing was such a nightmare that I just had to get out, failing to pick up several of the items I meant to get in my rush to get out of the world.
*Sigh*
My plans for the rest of my remaining day off consist primarily of doing the laundry. Exciting stuff.
On Tuesday, when I was busy pretending that I wasn’t waiting to get the call that would tell me when/if I would be starting my new job, I found a site that both amused and terrified me and spent the day reading through it.
The site is called Fundies Say The Darndest Things, and consists of some of the zaniest quotes made by religious fundamentalists of all stripes culled from various Internet message boards and comment threads.
I thought I’d share some of my favorites with you.
No one is saying that angel-human hybrids should be rounded up and killed. Anyway, it is the activities and agendas of the Luciferian global elite that give us the most cause for concern.
WayWord, Christianforums.com [Comments (57)] [2008-Jan-01]
I think this one is my absolute favorite. But you know, it’s time someone takes a brave stance on this issue, and I feel that I’m the one who should do it: I’m saying that angel-human hybrids should be rounded up and killed.
Seriously, though, what is the context in which a statement like this makes sense? The reason no one is saying angel-human hybrids should be rounded up and killed is that no one (no one sane, anyway) is saying they exist.
[Update: This one might be my new favorite.]
And how can I be ignorant about anthropology when that is a word you just made up?
wrightbrigade, FSTDT Comments [Comments (50)] [2007-Oct-30]
Do I really need to say anything about this?
I just got hired on at a fire department and well ive made some minor mistakes and what not. The devil is speaking through my chief theatening me that i am going to lose my job.
alrdyreg, Rapture Ready [Comments (52)] [2007-May-26]
Oh, that crafty devil, using your incompetence as a means of tempting your chief into unrighteousness!
so you think if no one believed in any religion there would be no wars or fighting? i think it would be worse. i know if i didn't fear god's judgement i would have killed many many times.
cajunXLVII, GameFAQs [Comments (49)] [2006-Sep-06]
Christianity: Keeping the potential serial killers in the flock in check since 30 AD.
If u have sex before marriage then in Gods eyes u are married to that person if a man rapes a woman in Gods eyes they are married it sucks for the girl but what can we do lol
Gods soldier, Myspace [Comments (149)] [2006-Feb-03]
LOLZ! ZOMG, rape is SO funny!
[on the sunject (sic) of a Bible printing company]
Yes, that is a great company. I bought one of their large print version (old eyes... what can I say?).
The only thing I don't like about them is they sell foreign language versions of the KJB. I don't think that's right. We know the only true translation is the 1600's version in English.
It's too risky for anybody to translate that into other languages. Mistakes can creep in... and that can lead to heresy. True Christians should only read English.
leyenda , KJB only [Comments (114)] [2007-Aug-06]
Because everyone knows Jesus spoke English.
There are a lot of things I have concluded to be wrong, without studying them in-depth. Evolution is one of them. The fact that I don't know that much about it does not bother me in the least.
AV1611VET, Christian Forums [Comments (91)] [2006-Sep-12]
It’s funny because it’s so sad.
No, everyone is born Christian. Only later in life do people choose to stray from Jesus and worship satan instead. Atheists have the greatest "cover" of all, they insist they believe in no god yet most polls done and the latest research indicates that they are actually a different sect of Muslims.
Trinidad and Tobago, CARM [Comments (260)] [2006-Oct-01]
Yes, that’s why you hear Richard Dawkins saying “Allahu Akbar” all of the time.
not that I am stupid or anything but where is finland?
ArchxAngel, POD Warrior Forum [Comments (41)] [2002-Oct-01]
This one is, of course, close to my heart. Don’t worry, you’re definitely not stupid, as there is no such thing as Finland. It’s a lie made up by the Islamo-Atheist Evilutionists. Just like Google Maps.
Gravity: Doesn't exist. If items of mass had any impact of others, then mountains should have people orbiting them. Or the space shuttle in space should have the astronauts orbiting it. Of course, that's just the tip of the gravity myth. Think about it. Scientists want us to believe that the sun has a gravitation pull strong enough to keep a planet like neptune or pluto in orbit, but then it's not strong enough to keep the moon in orbit? Why is that? What I believe is going on here is this: These objects in space have yet to receive mans touch, and thus have no sin to weigh them down. This isn't the case for earth, where we see the impact of transfered sin to material objects. The more sin, the heavier something is.
Trinidad and Tobago, CARM [Comments (205)] [2007-Mar-01]
See? Gravity is just like Finland. Also, put down that cookie, fatty! That sin is going straight to your thighs!
There is no love involved in abusing someone's anus. It is evidence of great selfishness to seek pleasure at the cost of trauma to epithelial tissue and implantation of pathogens. God in love gave each of us an anus and a rectum. When the anus/rectum malfunctions, it causes discomfort and pain. To lose the anus/rectum means a colostomy, and who wants a colostomy? To insult an anus is to insult its creator. This is selfishness, the opposite of love.
LOVE, Bravenet Web Services [Comments (23)] [2002-Dec-01]
I so need to make a T-shirt that says “God in love gave each of us an anus and a rectum.” Of course, “To insult an anus is to insult its creator,” would also make a good T-shirt. Maybe I could make a shirt with one saying on the front and the other saying on the back.
Thinking too much will rot your soul.
Aysia, Acne.org message board [Comments (13)] [2004-Mar-01]
Your soul must be fresh as a daisy.
Abbas: What would you say to the man who says that his thought life is private and doesn't affect anyone else?
Fred: Well, I would say that's crazy. There's nothing in the Bible that would lead us to believe that. Christ would never agree with that. I know that some of the times when I was right in the very act of looking at, not pornography, but lingerie ads or some of those things, my wife would run down the stairs because she had just had a dream where she's being chased by Satan and she couldn't find me in the dream to protect her. I really think that the effects of my sin were causing my protection to be taken off of her.
Fred Stoeker, Living True Ministries [Comments (35)] [2008-Jan-13]
So that’s what Victoria’s “secret” is! Also, to anyone who got assaulted by dreams of Satan while I was watching those BangBus videos, all I can say is, “My bad.”
Mutations in the ebg system are clearly not an example of evolution but mutation and natural selection allowing for adaptation to the environment.
Georgia Purdom, Answers in Genesis [Comments (61)] [2008-Jan-11]
Good point, because we all know that evolution doesn’t have anything to do with natural selection and adapting to the environment.
God revealed to me two things about the timing of the rapture. God specifically told me 2007 was the year, because I was only going to have from 3 to 3 1/2 years to spread the message after my book was published.
Shelby Corbitt, 2007rapture.com [Comments (208)] [2008-Jan-01]
2008, like gravity, Finland, and Google Maps, clearly doesn’t exist.
Am i alone here but does anyone feel like beating up a Mormon there the reason why American fucking sucks there trying to censor us all.
Zodiac Sign., Myspace [Comments (27)] [2007-Feb-27]
Watch your back, Merlin T Wizard!
[Separation of Church and State goes both direction.]
That will change once we are the government.
tehvodak, Fark [Comments (33)] [2007-Jun-05]
That pretty much says it all.
Back July of 2000 a brother in church accosted me, I was wearing a nice black dress which my beloved had purchased for me. I needed a girdle to get into it, silt to the knees, skin tight, hose, heels, hair to up there and makeup... see it was in church, this brother grabbed me, kissed me after saying oh baby come here. I didn't talk with him again, I was mortified to cause a brother to stumble. I got rid of all of my shee shee dresses then and there and haven't looked back since. I now wear clothing which doesn't accentuate my shape but makes it very obvious that I'm a lady and not a man. The best thing about all of this has been that it led me to learning about submission which I am still learning regularly.
Wendy McDonnell, Wendy's Modest Dress [Comments (84)] [2008-Jan-10]
Not good enough; you need to be imprisoned for being such a foul temptress! Imagine the nerve of letting some poor, defenseless man see your *shudder* figure! The poor man had no choice but to sexually assault you.
Seriously, get the hell out of that relationship, get away from your church, and buy yourself some fucking self esteem, and if you have any change left over, buy a fucking clue. Quit giving victimizers the right to blame their victims.
According to the Bible, the earth has been in existence longer than the sun. I believe God did it that way on purpose, as it effectively pwns science and sun worshippers.
AV1611VET, Christian Forums [Comments (76)] [2008-Jan-06]
Why doesn’t it surprise me that God is into WoW? Egghead with a lot of free time and no social life…it makes perfect sense. I’ll bet He never shuts up about the raids He’s been on.
[Advice to the daughter of a woman with breast cancer]
HOVIND: One thing is for sure, if you do nothing it will probably get worse. But it is surprising, if you do nothing with cancer your life expectancy is somewhere between 6 and 10 years. If you take chemo your life expectancy is between 1 and 2 years.
WOMAN: They want her to take radiation. And that is my greatest fear. I believe the FDA about as much as I believe in evolution.
HOVIND: There you go. [...] I think the last thing I would do would be to take the medical profession's approach.
WOMAN: Well, that's what I'm saying too.
Truth Radio 27 June 2006 @ 54:40 (Tape 2)
Kent Hovind, kent-hovind.com [Comments (72)] [2008-Jan-09]
Ah, Kent, it’s just too bad that you’re locked up in prison and aren’t free to give out such sound medical advice all of the time. I’m sure your words of wisdom were a great comfort to her at her mother’s (probable) funeral.
I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don't think he's ready to date yet. What's worse is that he's sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, God! I want my son to stop being so secretive!
Linda, Good news prayer room [Comments (2846)] [2006-Oct-28],
Oh, honey, you’re so going to wish he had a secret girlfriend once you finally put two and two together.
And finally, we’ll close with this gem:
[about a girl being born with mental disabilities]
This girl is like a leper so what she needs to do is try and find god
if she really believes she can be healed from this state, she will be healed from this state
Most afflictions like this are caused by sins committed while still inside the womb. If she can repent for what she does god will embrace her and make her as human as you or me but if she chooses not to she'll always be like this
god tests every one of us
theSAVED, Penny Arcade [Comments (176)] [2007-Jan-14]
Darn fetuses, smoking, drinking, and gambling in the womb!
And there you have it. If you’re ever looking for a way to keep yourself amused – and infuriated – spend an afternoon reading the many other words of wisdom that can be found at the site.
I went out to Super Target this morning to do some shopping and realized just how horrible it’s going to be to have to do my shopping when the rest of the world is shopping as well. I’m really going to miss you, Monday morning shopping.
The whole thing was such a nightmare that I just had to get out, failing to pick up several of the items I meant to get in my rush to get out of the world.
*Sigh*
My plans for the rest of my remaining day off consist primarily of doing the laundry. Exciting stuff.
On Tuesday, when I was busy pretending that I wasn’t waiting to get the call that would tell me when/if I would be starting my new job, I found a site that both amused and terrified me and spent the day reading through it.
The site is called Fundies Say The Darndest Things, and consists of some of the zaniest quotes made by religious fundamentalists of all stripes culled from various Internet message boards and comment threads.
I thought I’d share some of my favorites with you.
No one is saying that angel-human hybrids should be rounded up and killed. Anyway, it is the activities and agendas of the Luciferian global elite that give us the most cause for concern.
WayWord, Christianforums.com [Comments (57)] [2008-Jan-01]
I think this one is my absolute favorite. But you know, it’s time someone takes a brave stance on this issue, and I feel that I’m the one who should do it: I’m saying that angel-human hybrids should be rounded up and killed.
Seriously, though, what is the context in which a statement like this makes sense? The reason no one is saying angel-human hybrids should be rounded up and killed is that no one (no one sane, anyway) is saying they exist.
[Update: This one might be my new favorite.]
And how can I be ignorant about anthropology when that is a word you just made up?
wrightbrigade, FSTDT Comments [Comments (50)] [2007-Oct-30]
Do I really need to say anything about this?
I just got hired on at a fire department and well ive made some minor mistakes and what not. The devil is speaking through my chief theatening me that i am going to lose my job.
alrdyreg, Rapture Ready [Comments (52)] [2007-May-26]
Oh, that crafty devil, using your incompetence as a means of tempting your chief into unrighteousness!
so you think if no one believed in any religion there would be no wars or fighting? i think it would be worse. i know if i didn't fear god's judgement i would have killed many many times.
cajunXLVII, GameFAQs [Comments (49)] [2006-Sep-06]
Christianity: Keeping the potential serial killers in the flock in check since 30 AD.
If u have sex before marriage then in Gods eyes u are married to that person if a man rapes a woman in Gods eyes they are married it sucks for the girl but what can we do lol
Gods soldier, Myspace [Comments (149)] [2006-Feb-03]
LOLZ! ZOMG, rape is SO funny!
[on the sunject (sic) of a Bible printing company]
Yes, that is a great company. I bought one of their large print version (old eyes... what can I say?).
The only thing I don't like about them is they sell foreign language versions of the KJB. I don't think that's right. We know the only true translation is the 1600's version in English.
It's too risky for anybody to translate that into other languages. Mistakes can creep in... and that can lead to heresy. True Christians should only read English.
leyenda , KJB only [Comments (114)] [2007-Aug-06]
Because everyone knows Jesus spoke English.
There are a lot of things I have concluded to be wrong, without studying them in-depth. Evolution is one of them. The fact that I don't know that much about it does not bother me in the least.
AV1611VET, Christian Forums [Comments (91)] [2006-Sep-12]
It’s funny because it’s so sad.
No, everyone is born Christian. Only later in life do people choose to stray from Jesus and worship satan instead. Atheists have the greatest "cover" of all, they insist they believe in no god yet most polls done and the latest research indicates that they are actually a different sect of Muslims.
Trinidad and Tobago, CARM [Comments (260)] [2006-Oct-01]
Yes, that’s why you hear Richard Dawkins saying “Allahu Akbar” all of the time.
not that I am stupid or anything but where is finland?
ArchxAngel, POD Warrior Forum [Comments (41)] [2002-Oct-01]
This one is, of course, close to my heart. Don’t worry, you’re definitely not stupid, as there is no such thing as Finland. It’s a lie made up by the Islamo-Atheist Evilutionists. Just like Google Maps.
Gravity: Doesn't exist. If items of mass had any impact of others, then mountains should have people orbiting them. Or the space shuttle in space should have the astronauts orbiting it. Of course, that's just the tip of the gravity myth. Think about it. Scientists want us to believe that the sun has a gravitation pull strong enough to keep a planet like neptune or pluto in orbit, but then it's not strong enough to keep the moon in orbit? Why is that? What I believe is going on here is this: These objects in space have yet to receive mans touch, and thus have no sin to weigh them down. This isn't the case for earth, where we see the impact of transfered sin to material objects. The more sin, the heavier something is.
Trinidad and Tobago, CARM [Comments (205)] [2007-Mar-01]
See? Gravity is just like Finland. Also, put down that cookie, fatty! That sin is going straight to your thighs!
There is no love involved in abusing someone's anus. It is evidence of great selfishness to seek pleasure at the cost of trauma to epithelial tissue and implantation of pathogens. God in love gave each of us an anus and a rectum. When the anus/rectum malfunctions, it causes discomfort and pain. To lose the anus/rectum means a colostomy, and who wants a colostomy? To insult an anus is to insult its creator. This is selfishness, the opposite of love.
LOVE, Bravenet Web Services [Comments (23)] [2002-Dec-01]
I so need to make a T-shirt that says “God in love gave each of us an anus and a rectum.” Of course, “To insult an anus is to insult its creator,” would also make a good T-shirt. Maybe I could make a shirt with one saying on the front and the other saying on the back.
Thinking too much will rot your soul.
Aysia, Acne.org message board [Comments (13)] [2004-Mar-01]
Your soul must be fresh as a daisy.
Abbas: What would you say to the man who says that his thought life is private and doesn't affect anyone else?
Fred: Well, I would say that's crazy. There's nothing in the Bible that would lead us to believe that. Christ would never agree with that. I know that some of the times when I was right in the very act of looking at, not pornography, but lingerie ads or some of those things, my wife would run down the stairs because she had just had a dream where she's being chased by Satan and she couldn't find me in the dream to protect her. I really think that the effects of my sin were causing my protection to be taken off of her.
Fred Stoeker, Living True Ministries [Comments (35)] [2008-Jan-13]
So that’s what Victoria’s “secret” is! Also, to anyone who got assaulted by dreams of Satan while I was watching those BangBus videos, all I can say is, “My bad.”
Mutations in the ebg system are clearly not an example of evolution but mutation and natural selection allowing for adaptation to the environment.
Georgia Purdom, Answers in Genesis [Comments (61)] [2008-Jan-11]
Good point, because we all know that evolution doesn’t have anything to do with natural selection and adapting to the environment.
God revealed to me two things about the timing of the rapture. God specifically told me 2007 was the year, because I was only going to have from 3 to 3 1/2 years to spread the message after my book was published.
Shelby Corbitt, 2007rapture.com [Comments (208)] [2008-Jan-01]
2008, like gravity, Finland, and Google Maps, clearly doesn’t exist.
Am i alone here but does anyone feel like beating up a Mormon there the reason why American fucking sucks there trying to censor us all.
Zodiac Sign., Myspace [Comments (27)] [2007-Feb-27]
Watch your back, Merlin T Wizard!
[Separation of Church and State goes both direction.]
That will change once we are the government.
tehvodak, Fark [Comments (33)] [2007-Jun-05]
That pretty much says it all.
Back July of 2000 a brother in church accosted me, I was wearing a nice black dress which my beloved had purchased for me. I needed a girdle to get into it, silt to the knees, skin tight, hose, heels, hair to up there and makeup... see it was in church, this brother grabbed me, kissed me after saying oh baby come here. I didn't talk with him again, I was mortified to cause a brother to stumble. I got rid of all of my shee shee dresses then and there and haven't looked back since. I now wear clothing which doesn't accentuate my shape but makes it very obvious that I'm a lady and not a man. The best thing about all of this has been that it led me to learning about submission which I am still learning regularly.
Wendy McDonnell, Wendy's Modest Dress [Comments (84)] [2008-Jan-10]
Not good enough; you need to be imprisoned for being such a foul temptress! Imagine the nerve of letting some poor, defenseless man see your *shudder* figure! The poor man had no choice but to sexually assault you.
Seriously, get the hell out of that relationship, get away from your church, and buy yourself some fucking self esteem, and if you have any change left over, buy a fucking clue. Quit giving victimizers the right to blame their victims.
According to the Bible, the earth has been in existence longer than the sun. I believe God did it that way on purpose, as it effectively pwns science and sun worshippers.
AV1611VET, Christian Forums [Comments (76)] [2008-Jan-06]
Why doesn’t it surprise me that God is into WoW? Egghead with a lot of free time and no social life…it makes perfect sense. I’ll bet He never shuts up about the raids He’s been on.
[Advice to the daughter of a woman with breast cancer]
HOVIND: One thing is for sure, if you do nothing it will probably get worse. But it is surprising, if you do nothing with cancer your life expectancy is somewhere between 6 and 10 years. If you take chemo your life expectancy is between 1 and 2 years.
WOMAN: They want her to take radiation. And that is my greatest fear. I believe the FDA about as much as I believe in evolution.
HOVIND: There you go. [...] I think the last thing I would do would be to take the medical profession's approach.
WOMAN: Well, that's what I'm saying too.
Truth Radio 27 June 2006 @ 54:40 (Tape 2)
Kent Hovind, kent-hovind.com [Comments (72)] [2008-Jan-09]
Ah, Kent, it’s just too bad that you’re locked up in prison and aren’t free to give out such sound medical advice all of the time. I’m sure your words of wisdom were a great comfort to her at her mother’s (probable) funeral.
I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don't think he's ready to date yet. What's worse is that he's sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, God! I want my son to stop being so secretive!
Linda, Good news prayer room [Comments (2846)] [2006-Oct-28],
Oh, honey, you’re so going to wish he had a secret girlfriend once you finally put two and two together.
And finally, we’ll close with this gem:
[about a girl being born with mental disabilities]
This girl is like a leper so what she needs to do is try and find god
if she really believes she can be healed from this state, she will be healed from this state
Most afflictions like this are caused by sins committed while still inside the womb. If she can repent for what she does god will embrace her and make her as human as you or me but if she chooses not to she'll always be like this
god tests every one of us
theSAVED, Penny Arcade [Comments (176)] [2007-Jan-14]
Darn fetuses, smoking, drinking, and gambling in the womb!
And there you have it. If you’re ever looking for a way to keep yourself amused – and infuriated – spend an afternoon reading the many other words of wisdom that can be found at the site.
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