At some point yesterday afternoon at work I’d headed over to the vending machine to grab a snack, and when I got back to the desk I said to Scott, “Well, that was disappointing."
When he asked what I was talking about I said, “When I was at the machine I heard someone coming, so I looked over to the door thinking that it might be the pretty girl who smiles at me that I sometimes see over on that side of the building, but it
really wasn’t.”
Not only was the person who appeared at the door not the pretty girl who smiles at me that I sometimes see – I have no idea who she is or what her job is, or even if she’s still there as it’s been a long time since I last saw her – she was not pretty at all and I don’t think I would have
wanted her to smile at me.
That it wasn’t her was made all the more disappointing by how much I was hoping and anticipating that it
would be the pretty girl who smiles at me that I sometimes see.
Scott said, “If you were a dog, your tail would have been wagging right up until the point that you saw that it wasn’t her.”
That’s a pretty accurate assessment.
Figuring (correctly) on yesterday being a more typically slow Saturday then the last one, I brought all of the comics I’d bought in to read at work. Several hours later, after having read the last of them, I said, “Well
that was $86 well spent.”
Despite the sarcasm, I did really enjoy them, and I’m glad(ish) that I’ve gotten back into the comic buying swing of things, but it was a lot of money, as was the money spent on bags and boards (to say nothing of the time bagging and boarding is going to take, or the remaining money to be spent on the comic book database software and new boxes).
I don’t recall how we got on the topic, but at some point later in the day Scott made some sort of comment about how my unwillingness to cull from the “pay for play” stock of women is what’s preventing me from having any sort of companionship.
I said, “Are you kidding? I’ve got buyer’s remorse about spending $86 on comics, and I’ve liked
those since long before I was interested in girls, so there’s no chance of me paying for a woman. Plus, I actually get to
keep the comics after I pay for them.”
Speaking of comics, I’ve been going through some of the old ones piled up on floor waiting to be re-archived.
One such book from the early 80s was a digest reprinting several old “Imaginary Stories” featuring Superman.
Imaginary Stories were stories that didn’t actually fit into continuity, but were written to give fans the opportunity to see how things might go if X were to happen.
Some of the most common Imaginary Stories appeared in
Superman’s Girlfriend Lois Lane and focused on – what else? – what might happen if Superman and Lois were to get married. This could only be done in Imaginary Stories, after all, as no one could even
consider that they might actually get married “for real.”
(Ten years after it happened “for real,” there are
still some people who bitch about Clark and Lois being married and who would like to see a return to the old status quo. I call those people “idiots.”)
In any case, there was one story – and one particular panel – that stood out for me in collection of stories.
This particular story posited a world in which things started off normal: Krypton exploding, last survivor rocketed to Earth, found by kindly farming couple, raised as Clark Kent.
However, on the trip to Earth the child was exposed to Gold Kryptonite (a form of Kryptonite that causes Kryptonians to permanently lose their powers) and grows up as a normal Mid-Western teen.
Because Clark has no powers he never becomes Superboy and never causes the accident that makes boy genius Lex Luthor go bald and turn evil.
Clark and Lex becomes the best of friends and Lex develops a formula that gives him powers that, coincidentally enough, are exactly the same as the powers a Kryptonian would have on Earth.
Lex makes himself a fanciful costume and takes on the identity of Superboy.
Meanwhile the Kents – who have never revealed to Clark that they found him in a rocket that crashed in a field – sell their farm and open a general store in Smallville, where on one fateful night a robber shoots them both dead.
As Jonathan Kent lies dying in the hospital he starts to tell Clark about the rocket, but dies before getting the chance. Swearing vengeance, Clark notices a bat in the window and takes it as a sign.
Leaving Smallville, he begins to train his mind and body for a mission of vengeance on the criminal world. After inheriting a vast fortune from a wealthy uncle, Clark creates a base of operations that he calls – wait for it – the Batcave, and begins his mission as the caped crusader Batman.
In due course, the now-grown Superboy takes on the name Superman, and he and Batman become the World’s Finest super-team, and, after revealing their secret identities to each other, rekindle their childhood friendship.
Though Lex – who gives up science to become a reporter for the Daily Planet, because, you know, why not – secretly pines for spunky reporter Lois Lane, she only has eyes for hunky millionaire playboy Clark Kent.
Eventually Clark and Lois are wed, and on the first night of their honeymoon Clark reveals to his bride that he is, in fact, the Dark Knight himself.
It’s the next panel that just kills me, though:
I just love the whole “Oh, no” from Lois, because you know she has to be wondering just what kind of kinkiness she’s gotten herself into. I mean, first her husband strips off his tux to reveal that he’s wearing tights underneath, and then his best friend shows up in their honeymoon suite and starts undressing.
“That’s right Lois. Lex and I are
even closer than you thought. And we share
everything.”
And on that note, I’ll leave you with this link to the
Top 15 Unintentionally Funny Comic Book Panels.
(And as the comments on the site point out endlessly,
superdickery did it first.)
