Okay...How About This?

So I was thinking about doing a “tiered” pricing plan for the whole Heroic Portrait thing.
For example, I could do a simple, low-res digital-only image suitable for use on MySpace, or a Web site, or as an avatar, or whatever, for, like, 50 bucks.
Then I could do a higher-res custom wallpaper for, say, 75.
After that we’d be getting into the actual prints, which would be priced, in part, based on the size, but starting at around 200.
How does that sound? Anyone?

Stop! Hammock Time!

On my way in to my meeting today I realized that I'd neglected to take my 20% off coupon for Bed, Bath & Beyond with me.
This was irritating, as it had been my intention to stop in and pick up the hammock today.
I decided that I would just hold off and get it next week, making sure to take the coupon with me.
Then, on the way home from the meeting, I said, "Screw it," and went in and bought it sans coupon.
I just got tired of waiting on the whole hammock thing, especially since I thought of the title for this post a few days ago and found myself dying to use it.
Anyway, here it is:



Now all I need to is get a pillow for it and find a way to get in and out of it with some amount of grace and dignity.
I think I'll have better luck with the pillow than I will with the other thing.

A Latter-Day Poindexter

I decided that I shouldn't be immune from getting the Heroic Portrait treatment.
Thus I give you "Frankendork," or "Frankenstein's Jonster."

I Did! I Did! I Did Taw A DuddKat!

Given that I've been practicing the whole Heroic Portrait thing on friends, it comes as no surprise that Kathleen was up next on the drawing board (which isn't much like the chopping block).
With a name like "Kat" and the fact that I went with a "Batman" theme with her husband's portrait, it seemed like a no-brainer to go with a "Catwoman" motif for her picture.
However, as I progressed on the picture I became aware of just how utterly wrong it was for me to be rendering Kathleen in a skintight latex catsuit (using Erica Durance as the reference model for the body), so I decided to scrap it and take a different tack.
Ultimately I decided that Looney was a much better choice than Creepy, and here we see the result of that approach:



It's worth noting, though, that I did give her a pretty respectable rack for a cartoon cat.
Beyond that, though, I think there is at least a slight resemblance, especially with the manicured nails and the pink cowboy hat...

Pirates And Firefighters And Gargoyles (Oh My)

As some of you may have deduced, though I so cleverly couched my discussion of it in “hypothetical” terms, I’ve been thinking about offering a service in which I provide people with what I call Heroic Portraits of themselves.
These would be images of people transformed into fantastic versions of themselves, taking on the roles of barbarian warriors, super heroes, wizards, monsters, and all manner of imaginary men, women, and beasts.
I’m still kicking around some ideas as far as what I would charge for this service and working out some of the other details, but in the meantime I thought it would be wise for me to generate something of a portfolio.
Towards that end, and without their knowledge, I decided to use my friends as guinea pigs.
Here are some of the Heroic Portraits I’ve completed so far.


Here we see Scott as, naturally, a pirate. Note that “Heroic” is only meant to indicate the notion of the fantastic, as the end result need not be entirely heroic.


Here is my friend Zalfiro (AKA Jon, though he doesn’t get to be Jon in my mind because I’m Jon. Besides, I’m older.) rendered as a gargoyle. Again, “Heroic” doesn’t necessarily mean pretty. Note that this one demonstrates the customizable aspect, as the greenish cast was added by request after seeing the original.


And here is Brian as “Fireman.” When I first saw the picture of Brian that served as the source for this, it brought to mind the epilogue of the animated movie Batman: Mask of the Phantasm during which we see the Dark Knight standing atop a building looking grim and sorrowful over the events of the movie. Then the Bat Signal appears in the sky and he casts aside his sorrow and springs into action. Thus I had no other choice but to render a similar scene – in what I thought was a fitting artistic style – though changing the context to fit with Brian’s role as a volunteer fire fighter. This one falls squarely in the more conventionally “Heroic” category.

I’ll most likely crank out a couple more samples, make some pricing decisions, register a domain, and throw up a Web site.
In the meantime, if any of you would like to receive similar treatment in order to help me expand my portfolio, I’ll be happy to provide you with your own Heroic Portrait free of charge. Of course, you will be limited to a digital-only copy that’s not really suitable for printing. If you want an actual print we’ll have to discuss the terms of some sort of financial remuneration.
But for a digital copy suitable for display on blogs or MySpace, send a photo of yourself and a description of how you would like to see yourself (the more detail – in both the photo and the description – the better) to heimdal472@gmail.com. I can’t promise a quick turnaround, but hey, you get what you pay for.
As sort of a follow-up, it would probably be best for everyone involved if you kept the photos and the requested images relatively “tame.” After all, you might make me blush if you get too naughty. Not that I have any opposition to skimpy outfits or anything like that. Let’s just say that it would be best if we kept things capped in the PG-13 to R range, with no NC-17, okay?

There Was Shrinkage!

So yeah, I pretty much wasted the day yesterday.  I only ventured outside of the condo to get the mail, despite the fact that it was a beautiful day, as those are the best kind to waste.
Of course today it’s not quite so beautiful, as a cold front has moved in and it’s considerably colder.
I left the windows open overnight, so it was pretty damn cold in here this morning (it’s still only 61 degrees in here).  When I was lying in bed sometime after 8 I heard something falling.  It sounded like it came from my closet, but I wasn’t about to get up, so I told myself “Maybe it was something upstairs.”
When I finally did get up and headed to the bathroom I found that my shower curtain rod had fallen down, as it’s a tension rod and apparently, as a result of the cold, had contracted.
I closed the bathroom door when I took a shower so as to make sure the steam heated things up sufficiently to cause the rod to expand in place.
(And that’s the last time I’m ever going to mention contracting and expanding rods here, I think.)
After showering I headed to the grocery store to pick up a few things for dinner tonight.
While I was there I saw an extremely hot (married) woman with long, gorgeous hair and tanned and toned legs, which were showcased by the extremely short shorts she was wearing.
I had a brief exchange with her that consisted of me saying, “Sorry,” in response to her “Excuse me” as I was heading down the aisle and she nearly stepped into the path of my cart.
And that was it, and soon she was gone, likely to never be seen by me again.
Oh well.
Once I got home I hit up Kathleen on IM to see if she wanted to meet for lunch, as I was thinking about heading to the Bed, Bath & Beyond in Sterling, which would put me in the neighborhood.  She said that she had made lunch plans with someone else (The two-timing hooer!), but that she was on the phone with Brian and he said for me to meet him at Champions.
While there we were waited on by an extremely cute young waitress who I guess is going out with someone in Brian’s fire company, so she kept stopping by to chat with him.
The reason, by the way, that I was thinking about heading to BB&B is that I got a flyer from them yesterday advertising a portable hammock, which includes a stand, for $70.  It’s not ideal (I’d prefer a rope hammock), but it’s something, and with the 20% off coupon I have, it’ll be a real bargain.  I’ll most likely stop there on my way back from the meeting I have tomorrow.
In any case, now I think I’m going to go for a walk.  I’ll be back later (with some new pictures).

Wasted Day

There are any number of advantages to having four days off every week.
Among them is the fact that if you wanted to totally waste a day and failed to so you can always do it some other day.
Last night, for whatever reason, I found myself unable to get to sleep, and so I was up until nearly 5 am.
This morning I woke up a bit after 10, got up for a bit, then said, “Screw this,” and went beck to bed for two hours.
So far since I’ve been up I’ve accomplished exactly nothing, and that’s the way I want it.

Then Satan Said, "Oops, I Have Spilled Some Champanya On Your Boob."

Beyond experiencing some “hammock sticker shock,” today was pretty uneventful.
I had intended for today to be totally wasted, spending it not doing much of anything beyond simply going for a walk, but I found myself deciding to get in my grocery shopping, then came home and went for a walk, and then, of course, went hammock shopping.
(The best deal I’ve found online is $140 for a hammock and stand, though that’s before shipping. *Sigh*)
Most of my weekend was spent passing the time reading all kinds of Web pages related to Jack T. Chick and his associates, most notably Dr. Rebecca Brown, the self-appointed demon hunter who, along with her companion Elaine, informed several of Jack’s witchcraft-related tracts.
It made for some pretty interesting reading, as Elaine, a woman whom “Dr. Brown” (in quotes because her real name is Ruth Bailey and she lost her license to practice medicine in the 1980s) rescued from a life of sin and iniquity in “the craft.”
Elaine (whose real name is Edna Elaine Moses, but who has gone by a variety of names – including Elaine Bailey, claiming to be Rebecca’s sister back when she was still Ruth Bailey – but who was never identified by a last name in any of the literature published by Jack) was one of the most powerful – possibly the most – witches in the world and was, in fact, married to Satan himself.
I can’t help but wonder what Elaine got in the divorce settlement. Technically, half the souls in Hell would belong to her. As for Satan, he is, apparently a snappy dresser, doesn’t talk much, has an appreciation for fine wines and champagne (Thanks to Elaine’s stories I now picture Satan as being rather a lot like Christopher Walken as “The Continental.”), and is, quite literally, a demon in the sack.
Additionally, Elaine, as a VIP in the most powerful secret occult group in the world, traveled the globe sowing the seeds of evil, meeting with world leaders and terrorists, and even the Pope (Catholics are, after all, as Jack will happily tell you, pure evil).
Apparently in her capacity as High Priestess and Regional Bride of Satan, Elaine brokered all sorts of illegal arms deals and had at least twenty people murdered. Fortunately for her, though, when she was “saved” and became a Christian, God told her that she didn’t need to repent for those particular sins by submitting to man’s justice.
So that was lucky. However, one would think that if there were any validity to her claims – as one fundamentalist Christian minister who didn’t buy her story suggested – the ATF, FBI and various other law enforcement agencies wouldn’t be quite so likely to forgive Elaine her trespasses.
Still, what mortal man can judge Elaine, or her deliverer, the erstwhile Dr. Ruth Bailey? After all, they were out there in the spiritual trenches confronting Satanists, witches, demons, vampires, and werewolves. They fight the forces of darkness so that we don’t have to, and what thanks do they get?
None. Well, none besides a pass on any murder, conspiracy, and treason charges that may have been (but most likely weren’t) applicable and whatever money they made from selling their books and tapes and from receiving “love gift” donations for speaking engagements at really gullible congregations (Mostly in the South. Go figure.).
I won’t delve too much further into their histories or the various actual crimes they were guilty of, as others out there have done an admirable job, and I recommend that you do a search on Rebecca Brown and Elaine and do some reading. It’s fascinating stuff. Don’t just read the litany of charges or what their detractors have to say, check out some of Jack’s Rebecca-inspired tracts (some available for reading on the Web at the Chick Publications site) such as “Dark Dungeons,” “Satan’s Master,” or “The Nervous Witch,” or the reviews of the “Closet Witches” tapes that feature an interview (By Jack himself!) with Rebecca and Elaine which Chick Publications released.
The fantasy world that Rebecca and Elaine lived in is every bit as fascinating as the works of J.K. Rowling…whose books you shouldn’t read, as they serve as a gateway to the occult.
That’s one of the key points Rebecca makes: the occult must be avoided at all costs, because even the most casual encounter will leave you cursed.
What kind of things can lead you to become cursed?
Let’s see…rock music, role-playing games, tarot cards, horoscopes, palm reading, fortune cookies, martial arts, yoga, vegetarianism, acupuncture, alcohol, smoking, drugs, sexual abuse, sex of any kind outside of marriage, books on the occult (other than Rebecca’s, of course), incense, candles, and basically anything that mentions magic without explicitly condemning it.
This is by no means a comprehensive list. After all, there are about as many paths to being cursed as there are to the Dark Side of the Force (Star Wars movies, by the way, will lead you to become cursed.).
It should come as no surprise that people who actually practice witchcraft would find fault with Rebecca, but what’s most interesting is seeing fundamentalists condemn her, though there’s not really all that much of that.
Jack eventually severed ties with Rebecca (as did Elaine, and largely due to the same event as Jack, albeit for different reasons: Rebecca got married. Her husband, whose current alias is Daniel Yoder, also has a history that makes for interesting reading.), but he never actually condemned her or came out and said, “You know, it might be that the woman is a little bit kooky.” On the contrary; he still promotes many of her ideas.
After all, that would be admitting the possibility that he had been taken for a ride, and for a man who believes anything that anyone says as long as it supports his view of things, that is something he cannot do.
The one aspect that was most prevalent in all of the condemnations and denouncements of Rebecca was not that her critics were simply saying, “She’s crazy and has cockamamie ideas,” but rather that they were saying, “She’s crazy and has cockamamie ideas that disagree with my cockamamie ideas.”
So you have witches denouncing her because “that’s not how magic works,” and other “deliverance ministers” saying, “that’s now how you fight demons,” and no one saying that it’s all just a bunch of bullshit.
Some people do suggest that Rebecca and Elaine were simple con artists, but I don’t think that’s the case. I think they’re con artists who came to believe their own bullshit stories. After all, the drug abuse that was at the heart of Rebecca losing her license (I just realized that Rebecca was, at one time, “Dr. Ruth.”) to practice medicine undoubtedly led to some interesting trips that might have seemed like the real demonic deal.
Elaine clearly had mental problems right from the start, which were only exacerbated by her relationship with Rebecca.
In any case, like I said, it makes for interesting reading if you’re ever bored.
As for me, I suppose I should call it a night. By the way, reading Threshold? You better believe that will lead you to become cursed.

A Dream Deferred

After getting home from a short walk this afternoon I decided that I was finally going to make good on my promise to myself and head over to Super Target to buy a hammock for my balcony.
So I grabbed my wallet and jumped in the car without bothering to change out of my sweaty walking clothes.
Once I got there I headed to the section where I’d seen hammocks before, though had kept putting off actually looking at them and selecting one.
I saw that the prices ranged from $100 - $150 for hammocks.  I shrugged, and was prepared to pay it, until I saw that the price was for just the hammock; the stands are sold separately.
WTF?  $100 for just a hammock?
With the stand the price comes to over $300!
“Screw that,” I said, aloud, then looked around to see if any mothers with children were within earshot (there weren’t any).
I guess I’ll have to check online to see if I can find a better deal, otherwise my dream of whiling away the hours on a hammock may never become a reality.

Wendy Williams Puffy Homoerotic Pictures

No point to this entry, it's just that the title is an actual search string that led someone to Thresold (Specifically my entry about Reform School Girls, which starred Wendy O. Williams).
Thought I'd share that with you all.